Splitting the bills, blended family.

[YourHandInMyHand]

I commented on someone else's post the other day. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on my situation and also if you are a blended family how you manage things, or if one of you is carer to a dc with sen that would be interesting to hear about too.

I live with my DP and he is step son to my DS. I am pregnant.

When we moved in we split the bills and food 50/50 despite my having a wifi, electric and food guzzling teen. I also pay all the car costs and vet bills (both car and dog were mine, DP now refers to both as ours) I am on a very low wage as DS has sen and this limits my work options, and moving in I lost my working tax credits (still get some child tax credits due to DS's disability) and housing benefit, both of which were a big help. I am currently not working at all due to DS being without a school place and have had to give up work, so am now living off carer's, dla, and ctc, etc. (I plan to return to work after paid maternity as DS should be back at school by then).

DP got a better paying job recently and my child tax credits went down. If he carries on also doing lots of overtime like he is at the minute they will go down even further, his gain being my loss.

I haven't known how to broach it, when I have he says things like "well don't worry I can pay for things" and will treat us to a takeaway or pay for a one off item (both of these annoy me as I'd use the takeaway money more wisely, and the one off items don't help with the long running issue). I'm used to sorting finances myself and hate the idea of having to ask him to step up more with his new job affecting the child tax credits. I'm also perhaps needing to reassess my expectations due to a lifetime of them being low. Have a background of waster men with ex and dad.

We rent and moved into a new bigger house together when we moved in together as DP felt neither of our old houses were big enough, so more rent to pay, no single person council tax discount, costs more to heat, etc.

He now has much more disposable income than me. I am now on an extremely tight purse string and worrying about money while he is happily buying takeaways and heading down the pub etc.

I also have begun to notice differences in the way we budget and spend. E.g. I will live quite sensibly and then afford little breaks away or spend on things for the house whereas any spare money he has seems to go on pub with his mates, takeaways, meals out, etc. He wants to buy a house more than I do and I don't see HOW that will happen with the way we are at the moment (and I'm not too fussed either way but it's another area we seem to differ).

Sorry for the epic ramble!

Have been spurred on to post as my carer's allowance has been stopped with no warning while they send me a routine form to fill in and return to them. This has really upset the apple cart of my bank balance.

When I split with DS's dad I gradually paid off debts and then began saving. When I moved in with DP I had £10k saved. I now 2 years later have £3k. Today I had to move some of that to my account to be able to pay my half of the household bills.

Yes it's great I had the savings to do so but for how long?! Also I'm terrified they will dwindle down and down until there's nothing left and I will then have no back up or options. When I left DS's dad I had to do so with clothes and toys only and I swore that as a mum I'd never put DS in that situation again, which is why I built up savings. It made me feel less anxious and like I had my shit together.

I guess this week I feel skint, anxious and vulnerable and it's all to do with my crap financial situation.

You're at the point were you need to have a proper talked about money. And decide, is all income 'family money' or so you split bills 50/50 and then continue to live off whatever you each have left.

But, you are about to have his child. Should you be struggling whilst he has cash to spare? Who will pay for the baby stuff?

I think you need to set out your expectations, wants and needs and then find out his. You should have had this discussion before getting pregnant but better late than never. Do not let him do you off by buying a take away or a one-off treat.

*or do you not or so you

I was still working when we got pregnant and things have become worse financially since I had to give up my job to meet DS's needs. Yes it was still skewed before in terms of me having less income than him but we were still both comfortable and I also had money after bills.

Baby stuff we've been going halves on.

I agree we need a full on chat. A friend said they have one joint account. If I did that with DP he would still spend more than me on treats/luxuries. We have different approaches to budgeting and spending. I really don't know what the ideal scenario for us would be but I'm interested in all suggestions.

I've also been thinking about when baby arrives. Having baby will affect my earning potential by a third for five years. I've mentioned this a few times and he just says yeah and doesn't say anything further! It makes me tempted to go into a different out of the home job and say childcare is another 50/50 bill so it has less of a knock on MY finances, but then I'd not be with baby whilst working like my current job allows.

The older I get the more important I think it is to have your own money and to be able to control what it's spent on.

I'd be really uncomfortable in your place, OP, and I'm afraid I would be longing for the days when I lived without this man.

I've just re-read and realised you're pregnant. I'm sorry, but my answer's the same. You are bringing in less as a direct result of living with him. He's bringing in more as a direct result of living with you. He controls what the money is spent on and you are using your savings to support this.

I would want to get out.

HollowTalk I am currently VERY aware that I'd be much better off financially as a single mum.

It' s crazy as we love each other very much, and are happy to be expecting, he is an amazing step dad to DS and totally dotes on him. I think he's just not realising the full extent of the situation and how desperate and anxious it's starting to make me feel.

I'd love to see how much he's actually frittering away every month! He knows I am using savings and selling belongings, and yet seems to be just patting me metaphorically on the head, offering up a takeaway and sticking his head in the sand!

Since I moved in with DP my town has moved over to universal credit and as someone who usually works self employed with a variable income it terrifies me that I'd have to go onto UC and be at the mercy of that. As even when I'm working I don't earn lots.

And when you said this
"My income has decreased a lot simply because you live here, but you are saving money by splitting costs. What can we do about that?"

What did he say?

You can't pussy foot around this issue. Be very clear. And be hard about what you expect.

When we initially moved in together, DP was in a slightly lower paid job and so he got tax credits as a single working person. So we both lost working tax credits and single person council tax discount when we moved in together.

For him the rent being halved was a good thing. For me it was more to pay as I was receiving full housing benefit. He knows all this.

Now I'm not working and he's on a higher paid job things are even more skewed and trickier for me. I should point out though, he is in no way a massive earner with the new job, it's more but he's not rolling around in cash. But does have a lot more disposable money to play with than I do..

You are not in a partnership.
In one way it's a shame you have become pregnant before the money was sorted out.
The finance talk really should come befire he moved in and definitely before another baby.
To late to shout the stable door so you are going to have to be assertive and frank.
If he doesnt step up he is not a partner.

You need to tackle this yesterday.

Either you need to agree a sustainable way of pooling finances that means you're a real partnership (and make him see that isn't a one off takeaway or pissing money down a pub) OR you need to move out and protect yourself, your DS and your unborn child from being in a household that a) lacks 2 adults mature enough an understanding to work out a reasonable management of the finances or b) a household where there is an understanding but your "D"P chooses to continue as he is, because he's too stupid or selfish to realise the impact on the rest of his family.

It doesn't matter how "amazing" he is in other ways, a fundamental trait in a loving relationship is care and concern for the other family members' wellbeing.

It doesn't matter what he says, he shows you who he is by what he does. Listen to that.

Oh goodness you should have sorted this out before deciding to have a baby with him!!
You have to sort it out now.

My second husband is stepfather to my children. I earn more than him, but we don’t pool our money. However, he doesn’t pay anything towards the house. So I have more disposable income than him - but he has more than he has before moving in. He pays for more food than me, but that’s because he shops more - it’s not “his” expense. Before you think I’m unfair having more disposable than him - a large chunk of that goes into a pension, so I actually have a similar amount. If we stay together, he’ll benefit from that pension later. If he doesn’t, he won’t be going off with my hard earned money (we have a post-nup, not legally binding but would be considered by the court in divorce).
I think that second marriages are often less “one pot” because of obligations to existing children, and possible experience of breakdown! But that’s our way of making it fair.

I absolutely would not have had him worse off from marrying me. In fact, one reason I effectively subsidise him on house costs, is that his son’s uni loan is based on our income now, and reduced. So he tops that up for his son.

No way should you be worse off, and using your savings! It’s even more clear cut now you’re pregnant.

My advice is to go back to work full time quite quickly, and make sure all childcare comes from your joint earnings.

You really need to have a chat with your DP, and be clear about the situation. I'm a carer for my disabled DS too, and I'm unable to work as his needs are too severe, so I completely understand the impact a disabled child has on your earning power.

My DH is DS's stepfather and we've pooled our income since we moved in together - I lost my tax credits and child benefit once we lived together, and it was obvious that we needed a joint approach to finances, because after all, the government saw us as a household unit. We do maintain our separate bank accounts for various reasons, but in practice we view our finances as joint - we don't keep tabs on who has paid for what, and we don't split costs in any way - expenses are paid by whoever finds it most convenient at the time. DH covers all the bills from his account but he transfers a lump sum to me on a regular basis, and I also have an income from PIP and carers allowance. DH doesn't treat expenses for my DS any differently from those for our DD - he has always treated DS as his own (we don't have contact with DS's dad) and that's always been really important to me. Even in our wills, DS and DD are treated equally.

I'm gobsmacked that you've had to go into your savings to pay household bills!

I am furious on your behalf. Have you told him "I don't have the money to pay this bill." ?

IMO, a much more comfortable way to divide bills is by a % of income - net income after pension contributions that is.

BUT, I don't hold my own DP to this standard, sooo...

Have you sat down with the numbers and your DP yet and gone through them?

What did he say?

My DH is my sons step father and we’ve just had a baby together. Last year when we sold my original house and brought together we stopped having separate accounts and just have Isn joint account all our money goes into which we can both spend from. We do have proportioned disposable income we just spend what we need to day to day and if we plan to make any big purchases or withdrawal we tell each other! We both have the banking app on our phone so can see the health of the account at any time but TVs neither of us check up on our spending 🤷🏻‍♀️ We just trust that we’re not going wild.

That should say we don’t have proportional disposable income ... we view it as family money not mine or his ...

I agree with Hollow Talk. I know you're pregnant by this man. But your post made me anxious for you. He's going to make you broke. & that will impact on your son also.

I know pp suggest talking to him about it but he 100% KNOWS what he's done. How dare he - land himself on you then reduce your living circumstances like this? He knows you've lost certain income also due to him being there, and he's had the audacity to not even attempt to make up the shortfall. Buying takeaways is just 'I'm not listening to you'

You aren't married. You need to be assertive, and quick. I'd be gone, in your shoes. As you'd be financially better off apart from this mean man. Financial abuser written all over him.

I don't know circumstances re your son but when baby is a bit older can you go out to work? If you're staying with him then you're best off doing that

Get a joint account for that you use for household expenses including all food, and anything baby related. Both pay a percentage of your income into it, say 60% as a start. You shouldn’t have to ask him for money and you should NOT be financially disadvantaged because you’ve moved in together and you’re having his kid. Having a joint account means there is no “asking” for money and makes the relationship more equal again. He needs to understand that the change in your living arrangements as your pregnancy has had a massive negative financial impact on you, but not on him.