I'm a mess. I need help.

[TheKnackeredChef]

Please be gentle with me, I know I've fucked everything up and I should have done something ages ago. It's all such a mess now and I don't know where to begin untangling it all. I was hoping you lovely people might be able to help me find a sensible path through this quagmire.

Back story - About six years ago, ExH had an affair and left me with well over £100,000 in joint debts, about half of which was unpaid tax. The house and car got repossessed and after several years dodging it he was made bankrupt. He now 'works' for a company doing something he loves but they don't pay him - apparently he doesn't want the commitment of a full time job and wants the freedom to work on his ‘projects’ which he thinks are going to make him a millionaire. He funds himself by claiming carers' allowance for his elderly mother who he lives with. Since the bankruptcy, he doesn't pay a penny in maintenance. He lives 100 miles away and has our 3 DCs EOW. He is, by anyone's definition a consummate CF and quite possibly a narcissist.

I struggled for the first few years to pay off enough of the tax debt to get it down to a level where they’d accept an IVA (a five year payment plan agreed by all creditors), which I took out two years ago. The joint company we owned along with my brother and his wife (ExH had to resign when he was bankrupted) currently keeps me going financially, although due to a change in the industry the product is gradually becoming obsolete so the monthly amount is now less than I need to live on. I supplement this income with another little business I run which just about tops up my income to keep me going day to day, but I’m nearly a year behind on my IVA payments. The company who manages it are pretty useless - I’ve now sent in two sets of Change of Curcumstances forms and they’ve lost them both. I know I should have chased them up about it but the longer it went on without them noticing the harder it became. I find stuff like this incredibly stressful, particularly having to talk on the phone to people and I tend to bury my head in the sand to avoid it.

I also suffer from massive anxiety about filling in forms, to the extent that I haven’t yet done the tax return that was due back in January. I know it’s ridiculous and I hate myself for allowing this to happen. I think I’m owed quite a bit back from HMRC which would probably be enough to cover the payments I owe to my IVA, but it’s such a huge obstacle and I’m so scared I don’t know where to start. I know that if I don’t sort it out I’ll be made bankrupt and I’ll lose my partnership in the company which will leave me with absolutely nothing. The idea of losing the lovely life I’ve built for my DCs since their dad left horrifies me and yet I’m too paralysed with fear to do anything.

I’m blessed with the most wonderful friends and family who all think I’m this amazing, strong, capable human being but I’m not. My parents worry about me a lot, which makes me feel like shit. They’re not well off but they help out where they can. If they knew the full story - the fact that I’m behind with my IVA and tax returns, I think the guilt of that would finish me.

In addition to all this, I’m currently dealing with 16YO DS coming out as trans after months of school refusal. He’s now at a new school but I’m having to do about 150 miles a week to get him there and back each day which is having a huge cost implication, as well as the time I’m losing in work.

Usually I’m very good at compartmentalising all this and just getting on with stuff, but this morning my tumble dryer has packed up, I just stubbed my toe on a basket full of wet laundry that I’ve no way of getting dry today and I think I’m coming down with a cold. Frankly, it’s all a bit much.

Sorry that was so long. I feel better for just writing it down actually. I just need a plan of action and a hand hold I think.

I think you're doing great. You've been up against a lot. You know you need to deal with the financial mess and will feel better when you do. I've found that when I'm really anxious I commit to dealing with that issue for 15 minutes a day. Set a timer. When it goes off set it down and don't think about it until the next day. I think it's the enormity of it all that's getting you. Have you considered some counselling?

Fwiw you have set up your own businesses and seem sensible. You can sort it.

please hive yourself a break. Make a CAB appointment so they can do the forms and phone calls for you.
I understand your child is in a terrible place mentally but you can’t afford 150 miles a week. They will have to compromise.

Thanks everyone. CAB is a good idea. I hadn't thought of that. Will look into that now.

Do you know what I'd do? Get some sound financial advice, and consider whether you'd be better off by declaring bankruptcy. You would be discharged in a maximum of 12 months and it would be off your records in 7 years. You're trying to limp your way through an IVA that you're behind on, which will still stay on your records for 7 years and will have just as much impact on you financially.

@lougle, unfortunately going bankrupt isn't really an option for me, as it would mean I'd lose my partnership in the family company which makes up the lion's share of my income.

@VillageCats, I sometimes use the 15 minute technique for other stuff. It's a good idea. I don't know about counselling. I think if I start unpacking all this it might not all go back in its box. And I can't afford a breakdown just now.

Do little and often. The 15 mins a day is a good idea

When I have this enormous task to do I break it into segments and do a segment at a time. So start with gather paperwork you need then sort it to relevant sections then start to complete each bit of your tax return and in a week it will be done.

I think you're amazing xx

Just an idea but do you have an accountant who complete your tax return? I use one, although it is a fairly simple return and it takes all the stress out of it, he charges £150 but probably saves me more than that in all the allowable expenses etc. The stress he takes off me is huge. Sounds like you are hugely capable and you will feel so much better once you have tackled this. Good luck OP :)

OK. I've put on my big girl pants and plucked up the courage to text a friend who's an accountant to ask if she'll give me some pointers. Also looked up details of local CAB so I can go tomorrow when it's open. Go me. Thanks, all of you, for the hand hold. I sort of feel like I'm going on the right direction now.

Forms can be scary but you don't have to do them in one sitting. A good first step could be as simple as just reading the form. The next day you could do the simple stuff like your name and address. Then see what you can do the next day.

Good for you in taking steps OP, am rooting for you. Pretending to be coping when things are going wrong is something I am very familiar with...

Do ask for help. Instead of the guilt you're expecting, you will probably feel a massive weight being lifted from your shoulders. How could it be worse than how you were feeling this morning?

I would get some proper advice from an insolvency practitioner. I think that there may be things that can be done to protect your interest in the partnership. Depends what the other partners think and how willing they would be to help.

I'm exactly the same about forms.

Unfortunately I don't have a good relationship with my brother and his wife so that avenue's not open to me. But I've seen Insolvency Practitioners before and they've been really good actually. There's a guy I could get in touch with.

The forms thing is a bugger, isn't it @ballseditupforever . So completely irrational and totally debilitating. I hate it.

Totally. I currently have to fill out a form to keep a significant amount of money paid to me, haven't done it. I have another which if I filled it out is worth about £3k. Haven't done it. I need to fill in my son's forms for free childcare. Haven't done it. Tax return. Haven't done it. Totally irrational and insane. I'm making my life much harder than it needs to be.

I also regularly find it difficult to check my bank balance and open my mail.

On a positive note I managed to call my car insurance today. I've only been trying to do that for 3 weeks.

Ps get in touch with the insolvency practitioner (easier said than done I know).

Could your family buy out your share?

Focus all your attention on the tax return!! Every day you leave it will eat away at your potential refund. The fines and interest will be deducted from the amount you get back. Ask an accountant to do it it you can't. Good luck

With regards to the forms - could you break each one down into bite size chunks? I often answer all the easy questions first (name, DOB, etc etc) then aim to fill in a harder question, do something else, return and have a go at another question etc, etc. It makes us manageable and it gets it done, slowly but it gets it done.
Your update contains so much good stuff. (You've got debt down to the size for an IVA, you are involved with 2 companies and have supported your child in difficult circumstances) you sound awesome.
Be kind to yourself and take the next few steps.

Another vote for sorting your tax return out. The sooner the better. There will be penalties but these increase, so you need to get it done.

Pay an accountant to do it for you - that is what they are for!

They will be used to this sort of thing, honest.

(I am one, btw, but in a different field of work)

Yep, as Topcat says, an accountant won't bat an eyelid at one late TR, they won't judge, they don't care (in the nicest possibly way) they will just get it done.

I was going to suggest using an accountant too.

I had a form I needed to fill out. I’d been “about” to fill it out for over 5 months.

Last weekend I was going to be stuck in a hall for 7 hours watching my dd do her sport.

I printed out the form and took it with me.

Sheer boredom had me fill it in. It took me about 20 minutes. 20 fucking minutes! I have probably spent more than that time worrying about it every sodding week for 5 months.

20 minutes!

Go and spend 20 mins (and only 20 mins) on your form.

This week I am going to sort out dh’s life insurance. (Only been putting that off for about 3 months!) That will probably take me about 20 minutes as well!