Time Money & Stress

[DifferentPerspective2]

Hi, I may be wrong but as a step parent I find it difficult to understand how a mother can get away with no spending CM payments on the needs of her child. My Partner pays his CM payments every month, he has never missed this and always provided more until the CAB told him to stop last year as this is what his payments are for. However while the child is with us he has absolutely everything he needs food, clothes, toys, own room, they all come at a cost to us. I earn more then my partner so it tends to be me paying more out for his needs as a chunk of his wage goes to his child's mother. The problem with that is she tends to control his time based on the money she wants that month and has in the past refused access then stated she needed more money that month as he hadn't seen him as much. Now she has stopped paying his school dinners, sends scruffy clothes for him to wear (meaning we have had to go out and buy new school jumpers to send him in) sends him in underpants 4 years too small for him. She has now told a coach of a sports team that he cant play unless his Dad pays the fees. However she is constantly out drinking, buying new clothes, taking trips away and is open about having others planned. I do not see how someone is allowed to get away with this. We work hard to provide for ourselves and my partners child we have the same outgoings as his Mother in all aspects. Yet she keeps blaming my partner for having no spare cash and keeps stating that she cant afford certain things for her child and will allow him to go without to force my partners hand. Yet she herself is well looked after. It is also worth noting that she herself never has her child, he is looked after and fed the majority of her time by her family so she doesn't have these costs either. It at times gets to points where he will often ask to take food home which we do allow him to take whatever he feels he needs to avoid him feeling upset. It is going to court for the second time and she is refusing access each and every weekend we sit in and wait around for times convenient to her or her family even though a court order is in place. We cancel plans lose money and it is a living nightmare. We recently paid for a holiday that the child was also manipulated into not going to. His child is now starting to develop issues based on the situation and my ex is under enormous amounts of stress. I worry that even after another court case she faces little to no consequences and that this will carry on. Surely we should not be forced to live our lives around what she dictates and delay us starting our own family due to the stress and control he puts on us. I am not sure what to do anymore?

Hi @DifferentPerspective2

Firstly I can sympathise with you about the ex wife's living life of luxury etc. Does she work?? My partner EW is exactly the same in respect that she doesn't work, yet seems to have this luxury lifestyle yet always complains she has no money, sends them in clothes too small or holes etc. It is so sad.
Now we buy clothes and keep here when they were wlllwed to visit and stay (they live two hours away and now she stops overnight mainly because csa have given her less than private arrangement so stopping nights gives her more.)

It is not your partners fault she has no money. She makes the life choices and she choose to have the child too. And if he is of school age and she doesn't work she won't get much financial help unless she has a disability. Also I was a single parent for w while and got £170 a month child maintenance and I survived I paid all bills, worked and had £300 left each month.

You need to take her to court, print of any text messages with dates and keep a diary of everything. Clothes, lack or food, day she complains no money, stopping contact etc. And if you can get school reports on how it affects his behaviour. The courts should be able to provide set days for contact (most cases the usually do.) if she then breaks the court order again she can have the child taken her off and placed in your care. Maybe worth posting this post into the step parenting forum?

You sound like your trying your best with a very difficult EW. Have you thought of setting up CSA case then they dictate what he has to pay and review it annually.

How much does he pay? It is all relative and dependent on the actual amount.

Hi, Thank you for this as awful as it is its nice to feel a little less alone in the situation. We have had the same problems with the over night stays, in the first court order she was very clever with the amount of over night stays she agreed to so even though we will have him all day and he is dropped off at her family members house to sleep on some of the days she knows she gets more money for this. She doesn't seem to care who he is with as long as it isn't my partner to take money away from her. The first court order my partner was just looking to make sure he got contact with his son and to stop her refusing. He was worried that he wouldn't even get this as he believed that the courts favoured the mother. This time he is aware of his rights and is aware that she changed her approach from her stopping him to her blaming her son and manipulating him into not wanting the contact. Not seeing him all week then dangling a day out with her in front of him which she rarely follows through with just so her son throws a tantrum when she says oh well we could have done that but you have to go and see your Dad now.

She used to work a few hours and lived off benefits and have her rent paid for her but now changed her job and works a few more hours so I am not sure what benefits she does or doesn't get. I do know they stopped her benefits at a point for investigation which was around the time she stopped contact for a period of time demanding more money as he was now staying less.

I think we will need to start using CSA after this next court date as she keeps threating him with CSA thinking it will push him into paying more, then never actually does anything. But I think she knows that he is actually paying what he should she just likes to threaten. He actually used to pay her double for 8 years until last year when he then corrected this to the amount he was supposed to pay which is why she never wanted it to go through CSA originally, she was also never disclosing this amount to benefits. He lost his job 2 year ago and it took just under 2 month to find a new job, even then his solicitor told him he did not have to pay her however he backed this and then gave her extra on top and then transferred a separate amount for new trainers and she still complained saying the he needed a new coat. In this time she fully stopped contact and even had him tell his Dad that he does not want to see him again until he paid his mam and him what he owed them and told him that his mam had no money.
But around same time she had a weekend away abroad, stayed in expensive hotels over weekends and took city shopping breaks staying over, was out constantly for meals, cocktails then sold his dog claiming she could not afford to pay her bills or buy food.
She then had him stop seeing him for his Dad trying to introduce him to his own bed and then again as he bought him a computer console to keep at his house and she demanded that she have it at hers and stopped contact until she got this. They have never really been together only for a few month after his child was born but that was 9 year ago. Since then even from being a baby she would say sorry he doesn't want to come and see you this weekend as if a toddler can make that decision or even know what they are agreeing too. We are going to court for the second time as my partner does not feel she is the best thing for him as his primary care giver and feels there is a lot of manipulation used which is making his child ill, she has recognised that he has issues but has stated that she will not be doing anything about it to make my partners life easier. He has also spoken to his GP and his school to try and help him yet as she refuses to take him he isn't getting the help he needs. In fairness his school have done work with him and stated that they do not believe there is issues with his father as she had been stating. They believe there is something else going on, however it hasn't really gotten us any further forward. We are currently waiting for a section 7 to be complete. But it is just torture waiting and having to allow the manipulation and abusive aggression towards us until that is sorted. I just feel that it is letting more time pass where his son is suffering further and our lives are still on hold and being controlled its awful. She also accuses my partner of aggression and states that his son is afraid of him will week on week send abusive messages saying that he hates him he does not want to see him he is petrified of him etc. But then will backtrack that statement in a court room. She has done this on both occasions. The problem is his son is manipulated into not being sure what he thinks or feels or what he is allowed to say. It is so sad as with us he is such a happy, fun loving little jokester and loves playing practical jokes on his dad, he is always laughing and cuddling into him.
I just feel like we are drowning in costs and demands at the minute. We still have to pay all of the legal fees which obviously mount up each time which we will continue to do so and cut our costs to find the money to make sure his sons mental wellbeing is looked after. We are good at saving and at cutting our cloth accordingly we don't waste money on nights out every week or ever really, we don't smoke or anything like that, we spend money on his son and making memories with him or at least we try to until he is refused access. But savings don't really last long when it comes to court cases. We are actually very fortunate for the things we do have a beautiful home, nice cars, good jobs which I think angers her as she tells us all we do is try to outdo her however I am not sure what we have ever done to do that apart from just getting on with our lives. However we still have all of the normal day to day living costs, mortgage, petrol, bills, CM payments, food, clothes. His son has absolutely everything he needs with us, fully kitted out room and a wardrobe full of clothes, the food cupboards are filled with food and treats for him. There is nothing that she is paying for that we aren't also paying. I think she just sees the things we do have and thinks I can get more money here, never once thinking what we sacrifice to have it and how hard we do work or even the mounting court fees that she is forcing us into. Most months we do struggle and think how are we going to do this but we again cut our cloths and sacrifice to provide a nice home and nice life for his son. I understand that is must be hard for her but she also seems to waste her money and spend on herself as she pleases. We surely are not responsible for her or her bills and should not be threatened or my partner punished with not seeing his child or the mental torture she puts him under.

I hope you get things sorted, it must be awful living so far away and never seeing his children. Personally I believe that you have to live within your means and if you cant afford school dinners one month maybe don't go on that night out or buy those new shoes. We have the same issues with his clothes etc will also sent his uniform or sports kits the night before and say sorry I forgot to wash them ive just got them out of the basket. They will turn up with stains and marks, holes all over them or will send him in old clothes too small so we again buy with her knowing she will be getting him from school or sports that night and can keep them.

I agree with you, her life isn't his responsibility and it is certainly not mine. I don't have a child yet and I chose to work on my career and have fun in my 20's going out with friends and travelling and living in different countries. Now I still don't have any children yet but I am more then willing to help fund his child and pay for the things he needs while with us and make sure he has as a nice life. I have bought him school shoes, t shirts, school pants etc. from my own pocket to go back to her house as has his Dad but it does get to a point where she is completely taking the mick. I don't want him to ever feel once we do have children that he wasn't part of our family, was treated any different or wasn't cared for. I want the best for him and I want him to realise his potential and know there are options in life.

If she is the resident parent then no you are not responsible for her bills but you are responsible to pay child maintenance. This is a small proportion of what she is spending as resident parent.

Benefits do not count maintenance as you know many parents do not pay it so it would be unfair to count something that you may not get or that may stop at any time.

Also the cms or old csa levels are set very low so paying this amount should be the bare minimum if the other parent has a healthy income.

Everything else you say about her parenting will be a matter for the court to be decided in the best interests of the child.

How much maintenance is being paid?

Hi, sorry I think ive added replies to the wrong messages. Do you have a link for the step parent forums please?

Based on his wage and how many nights a week he has or is court ordered to have him he now pays £160 which is nearly the rest of his wage after bills etc. But in my view just as I earn more and can fund extras she shouldn't assume that she should be getting more or withhold her child because she doesn't get more. That money is on top of every other expense we pay for him too which are the same expenses she has. The only things she is expected to pay is club fees school dinners etc. My partner used to pay these as extras until the CAB and legal advise told him top stop that that is what the CM payments are for.

You sound incredibly involved emotionally. You would probably benefit from taking a step back as it sounds like you are comparing yourself to her and being very judgmental.

You didn't answer as to how much your OH pays. The amount will justify whether she has a point or not.

Sounds like you both are doing all you can, and court will be the only way to sort it. Hopefully the school can provide you with reports that they feel there is no issues your step son staying etc and Doctors with the bits and the appointments she doesn't attend. Just document it all.

The stuff we have had to go without some months to be able to afford stuff My our resident kids and the step kids, but you do so that they can have all they need. And like you I was the one earning more money for a while so ended up helping fund it. Your steps on money is not there to help fund her lifestyle or her choices and she needs to live within her means. I get £170 a month for my son, and as a single parent I worked 35 hours a week earning £1000 a month, plus got £320 a month housing (rent was £650) and I got £720 tax credits (this inciluded a contribution to my £240 a month childcare) and I use to have money usually around £300 left over, so I think she is just trying to get what she can out of your husband. And it shouldn't be about the money but about her son having a relationship with his father.

It is so sad that they can stop overnight stays to gain themselves more csa. We approached my partners ex again asking for overnights and she said no as she can't afford to get less csa. I could get a extra £50 a month from my ex husband if I stopped contact but don't as my son having a relationship with him is more important. Some woman are just too selfish.

Really hope courts sort this all out quickly for you and for your step son as it won't help him mentally. X

The amount he pays is in the thread above. The amount does not justify if she has a point to not pay his dinner money but then for herself to take a weekend trip away or go out on a night out. We have the exact same expenses as she does when it comes to his son, if not more as we buy uniforms, food, etc. She very rarely has him at her home with her he is always with her family members.
I also do not know how I can be less emotionally involved when this is my day to day life I am living this and having to deal with an incredibly stressed partner, paying thousands out in court fees and other expenses.
I don't feel I am being judgemental of her at all, these are all facts and situations we have been through. I have never once said a bad word about her or her situation. All of the above are situations we find ourselves in have constant abuse thrown at us, with her trying to physically go to attack me and threaten me at times for absolutely no other reason other then I happened to be standing in front of her.

Thank you for that. Apologies as I think the other comments are being attached to the wrong threads. I am not sure how. so I think the message above wouldn't make sense to you it was for another comment.

I completely agree regardless of his payments she should allow her son to maintain that relationship with his father. That is what it should be about for her, he is an incredible Dad and loves his son dearly. You can see the damage it is doing to them both. I just hope that the courts are able to help and stop her doing this to us all.

It is nice to see there are actually decent people like you that put their childs feelings and relationship above themselves and their needs. It is an awful situation to be in.