AIBU - Giving my husband pocket money

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My DH has a well paid job and I am currently on maternity leave. We have decided that I won’t be going back to work until our DC starts school. I never really earnt a lot of money so financially it makes sense.

We do realise that we will have to cut back a bit and most of all my DH has mentioned this to me on several occasions. I have checked our bank account recently and he seems to spunk a lot of money on himself. If i was to give him ‘pocket money’ or at least a budget of what he can spend on say socialising etc each week/month would this be unreasonable?

I feel bad as I know how hard he works to provide for us and he deserves to go out or buy things he wants, but at the same time I am quite cautious with money and good at budgeting... until he goes and spends more than he should!

In an ideal world you should be able to sit down and discuss a budget together.

But this world is far from ideal.

I just don't know how well the conversation is going to go if you start telling your husband how much money he can spend and talking about "pocket money".

Giving him pocket money is a terrible, patronising idea.

Agreeing what you have left over after essentials and savings, then splitting it between you for fun money, is fine.

If he can't stick to this, we'll, he has to find a way to pay the gas bill.

He probably won't appreciate calling it pocket money and it has to be a joint decision. However, in practice, this is what me and my husband do (same amount transferred into respective current accounts) and it works really well.

Would you like it if he gave you pocket money? Think it will be an interesting discussion with him then, good luck.

Write down your bills plus savings. This has to be paid. Split what's left between you . Easy.

So your DH goes on about needing to cut back but also appears to have no idea about how much he is spending?

You need to discuss a budget now, or else the plan is doomed to fail.

I would separate 'spending money' from bills and savings for annual expenses.

Get all your money paid into one account and transfer an amount to cover regular bills to another account, with the bills coming out of that account, and it not touched for other purposes. Aim to keep just enough to pay bills in this account, plus a small buffer in case anything goes up.

On payday, put money away for annual and irregular expenses and do not regard this money as available for spending on other things, only for things like insurances, holidays, Christmas, broken cars, pets and washing machines and the like. This is likely to need hundreds of pounds a month and is where a lot of people come unstuck, because they don't save the money and then fritter it away.

Then you need money for food shopping, travel to work etc and child expenses, so maybe either put these on a credit card that is paid off every month, or send a standing order to a separate account if you prefer.

Only after all the above can you consider personal spends for adults, splitting what is left 50/50. Maybe go through the above exercise on paper and try and work out what your DH has been spending up to now and how it compares with what will be available going forwards. Get him to think about how he will stick to an affordable amount.

Also worth checking that all your bills are as low as possible and going through the MSE money make over.

I'm the sole earner in our household, and we use YNAB, which is basically envelope budgeting. So I have a fixed amount of money each month put into my envelopes, which you're welcome to call "pocket money" if you like. And if I want to exceed that then the money has to be taken from other envelopes, which is then only fair to discuss with DW. Works fine for us. (She has her own envelopes too - with more in than mine, since as a SAHM she has more need of money.)

If you were on here posting that your husband had stopped work and taken control of the finances and given you pocket money, everyone would call it financial abuse. There are surely more ways to sort out finances between you than this way. He may have become used to the disposable income. Just do a budget between you.

It's also financial abuse in a way if one partner spends on their own luxuries and leaves the family short for basic bills, food shopping, children's expenses, or spending money for their other partner.

But until they have done a proper budget and prioritised necessities over personal spending money, they don't know what position they are in.

for the other partner. If there were three people in this marriage, the OP would have more to worry about than her DH wasting money on crap.

In our family parents have “pocket money” too, but I can see that depending on the person it might not go down too well! Maybe rename it “fun money” or something? Could you have communal budgets for family holidays etc, then divided budgets for clothes, hobbies etc?

What sort of purchases are we talking about? Is it that he theoretically understands the need to cut back, but in reality he isn't used to budgeting his spending? I think that ideally he'll be responsible for his own spending rather than you having to police it - it might just take him a bit of practice to make the adjustment.

I agree that you need to sit down with him and budget for everything. That is not just the monthly expenses, but anything that is quarterly or yearly too. Get all of your bills onto monthly direct debit if they aren't already. Allow for hair cuts, clothing, baby expenses, holidays , Birthdays, Christmas. Then see how much is left over and split it between you.

Hopefully if he can see it all for himself, it will make sense to him

If my DP talked about giving me ‘pocket money’, the ensuing conversation would not go well. For him.

OP, you need to sit down together and draw up a sensible, workable budget on which both of you can agree. Then you both need to stick to it without questioning the other’s spending choices.

God can you imagine the outcry if a man posted this.

He earns it. He's a grown up. You don't get to take control of his earnings and give him pocket money.

Not if you wish to stay married.

Exactly what does he spunk on?

My husband and I have a line item in our budget for our personal expenses, such as socialising, clothes, whatever. We each get different amounts (I get more ). We don't call it pocket money, though, but that's what it is.

Don’t call it pocket money when you suggest it to him but I see where you are coming from. You BOTH need your individual allocation of money to spend (or save) however you see fit.

I’m not a SAHM but this is how me and DH manage our money.

On our respective paydays everything except £(insert amount but is equal irrespective of who is earning how much) gets put into 4 joint accounts from our own individual accounts:

First is what covers bills, mortgage, monthly expenses.

Second covers groceries/petrol/work travel (that we pay using an AMEX and settle up at the end of the month).

Third is savings.

Forth is to spend on DS and family stuff, treats etc.

We know where we are with money at all times. If I spend a bit extra one month and need more, then I discuss with DH before I take more from the joint account. Or if I’ve had a quiet month and DH needs extra I might give him some of my personal spends. And vice versa.

We do this but for both of us. We both get paid into one account, pay the mortgage and bills jointly, have a budget for ‘household’ stuff and then have what we laughingly call ‘play money’ which pays for fun stuff like going out, I get my hair done with it, he buys computer games etc. It works well for us but it was a joint agreement rather than dictated by one to the other.

Definitely call it fun money!
Have this conversation now - you BOTH need exactly the same fun money. If he doesn't think this is fair then you really need to rethink the sahm thing.
You also need to have good budgets - provisions for things like dentist, optician, car service, mot, new tyres, christmas, birthdays (and other kids' birthdays) as well as holidays etc. And you need to take into account that he will need travel money or petrol and possibly lunch costs.
You both need an account that's just for you. An account for monthly bills and a different one for annual/quarterly bills.
You should also think about your pension while you are off.

Personal money for each of you. But you need to agree it together. If he isn’t willing to cut back don’t give up your job

I was going to suggest YNAB too (software). You sit down together and allocate what you want to spend your money on, when it's gone it's gone. So when it comes to personal spending (known as MyName slush and HisName slush in this house) he goes "oh yes def don't need more than £2.50 for frugal me!" And then hopefully thinks twice when standing in front of that £150 shirt, or whatever. You adjust as you go- but to add money in one line you will need to take some from another unless more has come in! And try and do it together- not you doing it and him being told.

Another vote for YNAB - although I must confess that when we started to use it, I realised DH was not the only impulse spender!

Yeah, "hmmm does this pot plant really count as household maintenance..."

Budget and split spare money. Don’t call it pocket money!

Although my mom (as the finance person and high earner always gave my dad “£20” pocket money but it was amazing what that £20 could buy. My DH (SAHD) is always asking when I’ll earn enough that he can get that magic £20 pocket money