Please can anyone offer me advise and help with finances?

[lastnicknamefree]

It’s going to be a long one, but I’m desperate so please if anyone could take the time to read and see if there are any ways you can advise me I’d be so grateful.

I’m struggling financially and just don’t know how to change my situation or better things for my family.
Mostly, I’m just dreading Christmas because I can barely feed us right now, unless I manage to sort something out there no way I can find wiggle room for gifts etc which breaks my heart, and I’ve tried everything I know and exhausted all avenues to help myself so ive come here incase I’ve missed anything.

Situation is, I’m a lone parent of a 5 year old son and 3 teenage daughters. All living with me. In December last year a few days after Christmas we were made unexpectedly homeless. My landlady sold our house and moved abroad. The council, to be fair were amazing. Put us in temporary accommodation for 3 months then we were given a house in April for which I’m obviously very thankful.

The problems are this. Moving twice in 3 months caused me problems because we had to fund removals costs, I borrowed for the second one. I’ve got into debt and a Middle with 3 lots of council tax and utilities, becaus it was very short notice and we were all over the place trying to sort out a move at 3 day’s notice, I didnt properly tie up the initial house and have now got myself in a state with paying the final bills for there, plus the same in the temp house while obviously I have my bills for here. Ive been to CAP for a money and debt course, following there suggestions is helping a little.

The trouble is, I had no money in the first place. My 19 year old is disabled and my 5 year old has adhd but isn’t officially diagnosed to I can’t get any help for him until hes 6. I’ve been working every day he’s at school doing cleaning jobs, I’ve had bar work and sold everything I didn’t need.

2 weeks ago, our dog got sick, he had a tumour of the spleen and the vet bill was £642

My sons father has never paid maintenance. He lies to avoid it, working for himself. I don’t know how this is allowed, but it seems there’s a loopholes.

He is dairy and gluten intolerant, but his food is SO expensive and this also means I can’t use a food bank, though as I wrote that I realise there’s nothing stopping me from using for myself, I often go without at the weekends so he can eat better.

My elder girls do work and pay me rent, we are between us doing all we doing all we can but it’s just not working. Once we’ve paid the rent, bills and debts, there’s barely anything left for food and petrol.

Does anyone see anything I’ve missed here?

How do you get help or support for a child with adhd etc before they get an official diagnosis? The waiting list is 2 years!
Is there any advice about fathers who refuse to pay maintenance? When the are lying about earning?
We don’t have fancy phones or sky movies etc before anyone asks, I’ve cut out everything and i just feel so guilty that’s my kids are living like this. I don’t want anything for myself, I just want to be able to buy them nice food or replace their shoes etc without it being a struggle. And Christmas makes me want to cry!

Thank you for reading, sorry for the pity party, I just hoped someone could spot something I’ve missed that could help

How much rent do your older girls pay you? It sounds like it isn't enough. With 3/4 adults bringing income into the house it should be possible to live.

How old are the teenagers, do you get maintenance for them? Have you pursued all Avenues for maintenance for your son?

I highly recommend speaking to stepchange. You don't even have to speak to them you can put all your outgoings / debts etc in online, they will assess it and see if you can go onto a debt management plan for anything. They will speak to all your creditors, you don't need to do anything.

You can apply for dla without a diagnosis - might help with cost of dietary needs. Use foodbank for rest of family, cook from scratch, see cab to untangled your ct and other debts. If 5yo is at school do you /could you work?

Thank you for the reply’s, to answer the questions in order.
My eldest 2 pay £200 a month rent. Think that’s ok?
3rd daughter is 15 and at at school.

No maintenance for any of them, neither has there ever been.
Have pursued Child maintenance people, they say my sons father says he isn’t working and isnt traceable as paying tax etc so nothing they can do. He has his own business. It’s registered a.m. day easy to find online. He’s listed as the secretary and director! I don’t understand how this can be a thing. The man I spoke to last said it’s a loophole, report him to tax fraud. I did but that’s not helped me.

I will look at step change, thank you
And I didn’t know you could apply for dla without an official diagnosis, he’s under the senco at school , maybe her paperwork etc would be enough?

£200 a month for rent is clearly not enough OP.

What are they doing with the rest of their money?

If you're comfortable then a breakdown of your income and outgoings would be useful so we can try to see if there's anything obvious. Totally understand if you don't want to do that

They don’t get a lot, probably the rest goeson petrol and food for the eldest plus her phone bill etc.
The second DD only works part time as she’s on PIP having a disability.
She does have more disposable income left over because she’s not allowed to drive. I guess I go easy on her because she’s had such a tough time. She’s currently paying for private pain management too.

Someone up thread also asked if I work. Yes I have picked up cleaning jobs, and am doing that full time when son is at school. But being that I’ve had to pay for him to go to holiday club in the summer holidays I’ve not earned a lot. This should get better next month

I’m aware a lot of this probably is first world problems. I’m thankful for our house and security, and know I am better off than a lot.
I just feel worn down with trying to make ends meet

You say you feel guilty that your kids are living like that but they're not. your eldest two have their own income on top. That wouldn't be an acceptable situation for me whilst youre struggling so much.

I'd be expecting them to contribute more towards their rent and keep.

Even the one on disability cloud? I get carers allowance for her, and I don’t actually think I could ask her for more, she’s had an utterly shit life.
Of course I feel guilty. They walk round in crappy clothes and we eat toast for dinner. My eldest drives a car held together with gaffa tape and has a stye and cold sores from stress and overwork. As a mum, I find it really hard to put more pressure on them

Your elder children need to contribute more. They don't have to pay 'market value' but they need to recognise they are getting a lot for their contribution and you are still massively subsidising them. You are a family. A team. Do they know your circumstances and the effect it is having on you?They are old enough to cover more of their own costs, and not just make a token contribution and let you struggle.

I don't understand this....you have three adults working in the home, have a council house and are worried about funding Christmas..

Yes £200 a month is not enough to contribute. I would be increasing this to at least £300. Rent and food should be the biggest proportion of their outgoings. That's completely normal.

Ok I’ll have a chat with them, I didnt think. Hence my posting on here, it’s always good to have fresh eyes, sometimes you can’t see it when you’re in the situation.
Thankyou for the constructive advice those who gave it

Course it's a worry Judge. Life is expensive, and its tiring thinking about money all the time.

could you look at not buying specialist food for your son, instead make a meal plan of dairy and gluten free meals, we found that this is so much cheaper than buying specific 'free from' stuff

I think you should look into getting temporary help from a food bank while you sort out your financial problems. Your GP will be able to refer you. I think they may even be able to provide some gluten/dairy free items for your son, but even if not, it would still to help feed you and the girls.

Another vote for Stepchange, they will negotiate a payment plan with the utilities companies for you.

Once you get back on your feet, think about taking out pet insurance.

apply for DLA for your youngest. if you get tax credits or Uc then this will bump those up considerably once awarded. Send as much evidence ( reports from school, SENCO etc ) as you can. You can get help with the majority of your childcare costs from tax credits if your childcare provider is Ofsted registered.

Ok that’s given me a good start, and some helpful things to get in with .

Get in touch with stepchange
Use food bank temporary for myself and other kids
See doctor possibly?
Apply for dla with regards to my son with senco and school forms of which I have many!

Have you checked that you are receiving all the benefits that you're entitled to? Housing benefit/ council tax reduction/ tax credits or universal credit? This should give an idea of what you should be claiming: www.entitledto.co.uk/

If you get tax credit, did you tell them about the cost of holiday club? They can increase your payment to cover childcare costs (income dependent).

Not sure if you will able to claim retrospectively, but worth checking, and an option for next holiday if nothing else.

If you haven't already, ring all the utilities your paying from previous houses and ask to set up a payment plan. There are rules against aggressively chasing back payments if it leaves people in hardship, so they should be reasonable. Just work out what you can afford (a few quid is fine if that's all you have) and offer that.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I would only charge the teens more as a last resort. Depends where you live of course, but when I was a student (was 10 years ago though) a room in a house share was £50/week. Would not have expected to pay more to live with mum, especially if they share a room?

Would expect them to buy most of there own stuff though like clothes, transport, snacks & lunches. But would provide a main meal if I was cooking for the rest of the family.

I was going to suggest not buying specialist food. Do you cook from scratch? If so just give DS what he can eat in terms of veg/meat/fish/fruit/ carbs.

And yes, use the food bank and sit down with the older DDs and have a chat about the situation and how you could all pull together to cover the costs.

Is there any chance of you or one of your daughters doing a course like a PA course? The best Christmas gift for those kids is a brighter future.

The price of gf pasta is coming down. Currently a pound in Asda for I think a kg bag. 1.15 Tesco. I'm outside with my daughter at the moment but I'm 90 % sure it's dairy free too. Quite cheap as a carb for him and to bulk out meals especially as a bag will last a 5 year old a long time.

Approach a food bank for the rest of you but do look at what you are given, most pasta sauces are gf if you look at ingredients/ not sure on df status though but worth checking as pasta sauce is usually in a bag.

For instance i buy Asda chunky veg one as lots of veggies but doesn't have that sweet fake sauce taste at 90p it's bargain compared to free from sauces! Also let them know they may be able to give you more rice etc etc.

Good luck :-)