Friend wants to stay mid week due to work, financial contribution or not? How much?

[Blueberry001]

Hi all,

Newbie here but looking for advice on whether I am being reasonable here?

A friend of ours has taken a 6 month temporary position in a city near where we live. It would be a good 1.5-2 hour commute for him everyday from him home to his new place of work but from our house it would be only 15 mins.

He’s dropped a few hints already about moving in to ours Monday - Friday to save on petrol costs and commute time. We have the spare room, but I don’t know whether I want someone living with me and my husband 4-5 nights a week, we both work full time ourselves and evenings we like to spend time getting all our jobs and things done ready for a quiet weekend kind of thing.

But would I be unreasonable to ask for a financial contribution? What would be a reasonable amount?

In my head I was thinking to agree to maybe just 3/4 nights a week on the busiest days (mon - thur) instead of the full 5 nights and ask for £50 a week? I would include him in our evening meals as well of course (or might be weird us eating without him!) so the money would cover extra bills (water/electricity) and then evening food as well as the use of general household items, loo roll, milk, etc etc.

What do you all think? I don’t want to appear greedy to a friend or anything but it would mean another person also in our martial home 3-4 nights a week or should I do my friend a favour?

Thank you x

Say, "Oh it'll be nice having you in our town. We'll have to meet up once a week for a meal." That makes it impossible for him to say, "Oh I thought I'd live with you, actually."

Sleeplessmeander - that’s exactly what I’m worried about :( I absolutely hate saying no, and I too worked a job that was a huge commute away and I was miserable (luckily I got a new job a year later) so I do sympathise.

I’m not 100% on the hours but I know from what he’s said previously he does end up working weekends, and some very long day (maybe 12-14 hours). So I would be worried about a commute home after a long day but also he is an adult and could organise his own mon - fri room but I think he’s hoping this way would be cheaper at ours as I don’t think there’s opportunity for him to sub let his current living arrangement kind of thing, and no extra contribution towards travel do accommodation (I think this job may just be a good step on the CV rather than financial?) x

We did this, it was great. But it was someone who was a good friend before hand and who I would have flat shared with had the timings been different. We are better friends after the experience (lots of evening chats over a cuppa)

Can't remember how we worked out the money but was more than 50 a week.
We aimed not to create a tenancy, that it was informal cash towards the bills rather than rent.
Informed our house insurers who was thoroughly uninterested.
I'd say it depends on whether you enjoy spending time with this guy. If yes, then why not give it a go? Sounds like it's only for 6 months?

I would say no. Or maybe agree to one night a week for £20.

I can see it’s tricky for him but you need to think about what you can bear without hating him, you’re not in the hook to fix his issues and people get very upset when they think you’ve agreed to something but really, yoynnist couldn’t find a way out and hoped for the best.

I try for more self knowledge now, if he’s a good friend you need to agree that it’s not a free deal, the cost, the periods he is not staying (you need predictable breaks), whether he’s taking any holidays in that time etc.

Planning is the way forward - if you’re very clear upfront then you can refer back if there is any overstepping.

Notabadger - he’s a good friend (hubbys first and now mine of 10 ish years) however he isn’t the ‘easiest’ of mates.

Without being rude, he’s not very tidy as a person and hubby obs knew him when he lived at home and at uni, and he is known to be untidy and not very ‘clean’ (as a person he is I mean round the home) whereas I’m no OCD clean freak, and I certainly kick my shoes off by the door kind of home, I do like things in their place, the kitchen and bathroom kept spotless etc.

But he might make more effort being in someone else’s home?

He’s also quite abrupt as a person sometimes, and can be a bit a hot and cold. Certainly has strong opinions kind of fella, not that it’s a bad thing but sometimes it can be a bit frustrating being ‘talked at’ instead of talked to.

Gosh I’m making him out to be a horror tent I? He really is a kind person, he’s good to chat too generally but I don’t think I’d have ever lived with him if it was say uni days or something? Hubby might have tho and it is really his mate - but hubby has said it’s entirely up to me, he’s much more laid back and he knows I’m easily stressed and anxious so he’d never force me into having him as a roomy.

Sleeplessmeander - very sensible idea! If we do agree I think we’d have to have a good sit down, chat and an informal agreement on nights/cost etc and agreement it wouldn’t go outside of those nights kind of thing. As least that would be less stressful then the unknown!

Yes I would cope better if I knew he’s not staying Friday/sat/Sunday nights ever, and there’s a 2 week holiday and a long weekend he’s away.

Add cleaning rota to your list to agree too!

Could you suggest a trial say for a month to see how things go? Make it about him perhaps maybe not liking it as the reason. Set some rules e.g. Who uses the bathroom when as there's 3 of you all getting ready for work. If you cook he washes up with your DH etc.

Definitely charge him though and at least £50 pw. Keep us posted 😀

But he might make more effort being in someone else’s home?

Doubtful

I feel that you dont want him to stay but you dont want to say no?

Fuck no. 6 months is too long and based on what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like you’ll get gel that well as housemates and it will probably ruin the friendship. I’d use an excuse like we need the spare room on several occasions for family coming to stay so it won’t work if he asks outright, otherwise I’d ignore hints.

Ive personally done similar, we had a friend stay with us for a month whilst he was starting for a new job but was waiting for his house share to start. We didn’t charge rent, he bought a takeaway/took us out to eat once a week if he was about and got us a bottle of champagne to say thanks. DH had shared a bedroom with him a boarding school so we knew he was house trained and we hardly saw him due to insane work hours. So fine in our case but based on what you’ve said I wouldn’t do it.

We had my cousin stay with us for several weeks. He works around the country and works strange hours and regularly stays with family so he's a good house guest.The strange hours helped because we rarely saw him, he didn't get up until after we'd left for work and didn't return from his work until the wee smàll hours. We didn't charge him lodgings, he sorted out some diy for us and took us out for dinner plus a theatre trip.

Stop for a moment and work out what you have eaten this week as I'm guessing your houseguest will want breakfast as well as an evening meal and figure out how much you have spent on just feeding you... Als0 - will he be expected to take his turn and cook or will you be expected to do it all? What would happen if he didn't like something? Or put in constant requests for expensive things or things you don't like? Or expected food earlier or later than you did? Or ate bigger portions or the wrong thing out of the fridge or etc etc etc? Also lots of things come in portions of 2 or 4 so while you might only need to buy 3 portions of something, you might end up spending lots more as you end up getting 4 portions rather than 3 and not everything can be frozen or used later, or you bake it anyway and discover that it gets eaten anyway so you've spent more on the same meal. If you open a bottle of wine or some beer will he expect to have it too - all evening? unlimited? Depending on what he likes to drink and how much, you could soon find yourself drinking much more as he would always be treating it like being out rather than at home and you'll all be sociable so all have an extra beer or two, or an extra bottle of wine, and the £50 will soon be gone on booze, let alone food and bills. And lots more questions like that to ask yourselves...

You could turn it around and pre-empt him by saying that it will be lovely having him locally, you'll look forward to catching up with him for a few evenings if he is around. And that it's a real shame that your house isn't suitable for having a lodger in otherwise he could have stayed with you but probably for the best as you know that you'd probably end up both getting wound up by your different habits and damage your friendship living together - but that you're sure you can manage a night or two if he wants to come up and look at some of the midweek rentals close to his new office.

That way you're not needing to be assertive and say no, or to turn him down, instead you're showing that it's just not on the cards and that it never occurred to you that he might want to live with you as it's not practical for anything more than the odd night (just keep on about how even now with just one bathroom to share in the morning it's chaos, and that you have other guests to stay so it would either mean no other guests for 6 months or extra work when you have to keep changing the bedroom, he wouldn't be able to leave his stuff in it, that you really need nice quite nights to chill out and relax and recover from the day ready to start again the next day, it's one thing for a one off but not sustainable beyond that.) Maybe even check out a few yourself particularly if you spot any closer to his office so you can say you've seen some excellent deals he might like (and have a joke about how he can't afford to stay at Blueberry Towers lined up in case he tries to get a cheap price out of you, followed up by you're not sure he could follow your rules for living there.)

Good luck - and remember don't sell yourselves short just because he is a reasonable friend- providing lodgings and food for £12.50 a night (4 nights at £50 a week) at a big inconvenience to yourselves is nothing short of crazy - he would spend much more than that on petrol and snacks, let alone a full evening meal.

Oh and if you do a trial, do it for a week not a month. And from then on - a week's notice either way - plus agreed temporarty notice for when you ahve other guests staying.

Op you obviously don't want him to stay and that's absolutely ok.

Your home is your place to unwind and relax with dg.

If you accept a job it is your responsibility to work out how to commute or find a new place to live not encroach on someone else.

Say no and you'll remain better friends in the long run. I might sound harsh but wouldn't choose a job I couldn't get to and then hint at friends!

Go for an upfront honesty and say "I know we couldn't cope with having a house guest for 6 months, but if you think it will help you look around for somewhere up here, you know you'd be welcome to stay with us for a week or two until you get settled ?" Then you all know where you stand and there won't be any silent seething and starting to resent each other and ruin the friendship.
If however, you do decide to offer, then put a desk and an easy chair in the room, and a tele, and don't offer to cook - clear out a couple of cupboards for his stuff and decide where your boundaries are for things like using the washing machine, or times you all get to use the bathroom. Totally fair to charge if you want to, although I'd have thought that would depend on your fnancial situation - in the scheme of things an extra shower a day, and the light being on in an additional bedroom isn't really going to leave you much out of pocket. OTOH, he would be saving a lot by not paying rent on an Air BnB or a spareroom in someone else's house.

I think £50 a week for 3 nights is fair for a friend. It'd be easier for you to just cook for 3 rather than let him buy store and cook his own food. He's a friend not a lodger.
The key is communication.
Have a good chat with him as to what you'd want and expect and see what he'd expect and say you'll do it for a trial period then if it doesn't work out dh can tell him to sling his hook!
But you're under no obligation to have someone in your home if you don't want them there, an englishmans home... etc etc

Oh for goodness sake. Your DH knows you probably want to say no and has said it is OK to say no. The friend hasn't actually asked outright thus protecting his relationship with DH from being awkward if no offer is made.

Stop being such a damp squib. Say no.

OP he hasn't asked you directly yet. If and when he does discuss finances. He's saving on travel and time. If you don't put him up he might rent a room. Ask him how much it would cost. Make him ask if he can stay at yours and discuss.

I'd just say no, it doesn't suit as you need the room for vistors. Although I did have a lodger for free for six months when she left her husband, but she was a very good friend and it worked out beautifully as she cooked and cleaned and was great company! But I wouldn't do this.

Check out the air B and B rooms on offer near you/his work too, as well as the rooms in a house share or to rent and the mom-fri renting websites. Bet you that everything will be £25+ a night and that’s for just b&b.

Also figure out his fuel costs for a return trip if it’s &10 and you charge £20/night (even including food) then that’s not going to be as tempting to him whereas if he is paying £30+ a return trip plus he gets grub then he will be much more eager.

You are under no obligation to house him. He chose to accept the temporary placement. When you accept a job you factor in the commute etc. If he thought it was too much he should not have accepted the position.

Just say no. Say it politely but say you like your downtime and won’t be able to relax. Send him the room matching link.

If you are foolish enough to agreee to this arrangement you need to charge at last £100 a week. And establish rules that suit you.

Oh please just say no! The more you say about him and your situation the more I think you will be unhappy with this (very doubtful he will suddenly become tidy just because he’s at yours!).

I don’t see why you should be unhappy for six months just because you don’t want to say no!

Let him find somewhere else to stay 3/4 nights a week. There are plenty of websites advertising that kind of thing.

I agree with many pps op , I'd have to say no.

The only person I've allowed in my home to stay for longer than 2/3 nights is my brother. He's quiet, unfussy, tidy , respectful and was in a fix waiting for an available rental property after a relationship ended.

The only way I'd agree to this friend staying is if he pays the going rate for a room and chips in with cooking and bills too.

You seem lovely op , but don't let this be your downfall. This friend taking this job while tied into another tenancy agreement isn't your problem and doesn't need 'saving' . Let him sort himself out.