Money Obsessed Ex

[Gooner82]

Hi
A quick background on me, i was with the same partner for 13 years, married for 8. We have 2 boys now 9 and 4. 2 and a half years ago we spilt, by my doing. i didnt cheat, i just knew we were done.
For the first 6 months i gav her 2k per month then 1k after that for about a year, dropping it to 850 after a while. The divorce hasnt gone through yet, im leaving her 2 properties with approx 400k equity and only asking for 25k.
Anyway, me and my GF are expecting a child now and im trying to figure out how to tell my ex. Obv i will now have to drop her money to what i absolutely have to pay which is 600 per month and im scared how she will react her reaction wil have a huge baring on how my son will take the whole situation as if he sees her react negatively he will also react that way.
How do i break it to her? She is very money minded and will see this as a huge problem. im really lost.

Unfortunately, you can't control everything. You control how much money you can give -which ultimately impact on your child-, she controls what she says or doesn't say to your boy -which will also impact on him.

1 1/2 separated and already with a pregnant girlfriend is likely to get to not believe that she wasn't in the picture at the time. She is likely to feel manipulated, lied to and angry.

There is no way to soft the blow, you'll need to say it and accept the backlash if there is any. What you have in your power is going to court if she starts messing about with contact. Everything else, well is down to your and her actions, emotions, choices etc... and how much you are doing what is best for your common child.

It doesn't sound good op. She'll be putting much more into paying for your son than £600 a month, I'd be annoyed too. Yes you have to pay for your own house and child but your son is likely to feel a bit abandoned, the least you can do is make sure he has money so his mum can take him out.

I don’t see from your op how your ex is money grabbing. I assume you think she is a good mum given that you’ve left your dc with her which has probably helped you develop this new relationship. My guess is that she is trying to keep your ds’s lives as unaffected as she can when, on the face of it, you left and have been decreasing financial support ever since.

You need to tell her about the new family. You also need to accept that she probably isn’t going to be thrilled that your children together will be getting less as you’ve decided to start another family when you obviously feel like you can’t afford both.

1/2 separated and already with a pregnant
girlfriend is likely to get to not believe that she wasn't in the picture at the time

They’ve been separated for 2 and a half years

I think it makes things less confrontational in your own mind if you stop thinking of it as her money and think of it as your kids, which is what it is. A drop of £250 pcm is bound to be significant for them, and for her to manage as their primary carer. Now if £600 is what you will be legally obliged to pay then you are within your rights to stick to that, though bear in mind the CMS figure is the legal minimum - a baseline not a target. For them to manage the reduction you should really give as much notice as possible and consider phasing it in if you can rather than a big bang.

Easier said than done if the split was acrimonious and there are still bad feelings between you and the ex but try and engage with her and discuss it rationally.

I have no intentions of dropping it straight away. It will be after the baby is born in 6 months.
A lot of you seem to be missing the point of the 2 properties I’ve left her. She has a property she rents worth 270k with about 50k left on the mortgage. That brings her a decent income, plus her part time job, plus benefits she gets etc she does very very well. However she gets used to things and slight changes especially with money can cause huge arguments.
We were extremely unhappy in marriage but she lived with it because she was comfortable. I don’t actually earn a fortune and what I pay her and left her was well above what I should have. So much so the divorce court questioned it.

The thing for me in this situation is there are going to be 4 children here so you are saying you need an additional £400 for your new baby but £200 per month for the other children?

There will be 3. I currently pay my ex 850 for 2. I will drop it to 600 for 2.
I have one on the way and I’m with that partner so it won’t be child support.

why is she getting both properties? Do both properties still have mortgages?

I get the impression you’ve come here to ask how best to screw over the mother of your children and your children in the process. I’m happy to be corrected. It’s just you seem to think you’re paying to support your wife rather then supporting your children.

I have probably come to the wrong place for this haha. I get the opinions here arnt entirely objective!
For the record, I’m not screwing anyone over. I’ve left with a fraction of what I’m entitled to, and I’ve paid well over what I have to. She pays for my you geat to go to nursery 3 days a week on top of the 2 days he gets free. In 6 months when I drop the money she won’t be paying that so that’s a start. She also gets DLA for my eldest who has ASD which she didn’t tell me about, only when I offered to help her get it.
I have my kids every Friday night through to Saturday evening and quite often until Sunday evening. I see them every Wednesday too. I use all my annual leave to cover the school holidays so my ex can still work. I don’t shirk any of my responsibilities financial or otherwise.
I have another child coming. I won’t be able to afford £850 a month, so am dropping g to £600. It probably won’t affect her as she still gets a lot of income and I quite xomfirtable. My point is that she is so money obsessed (part of the reason we split) that it will be the end of the world for her and I don’t know what to do if that affects the kids opinion on their new sibling and me which would be devistating for me.

And to answer the last post, both properties have mortgages, but there is possibly over 400k equity combined.

£650 a month sounds like fucking loads of maintenance to me, but then I don't get any as exh and I split residency 50/50.

Agree with PP, you have the right to reduce what you pay but you don't have the right to tell her she's not allowed to be pissed off. She shouldn't bitch about it to the boys though, that's just shitty.

What’s your salary? Have you tried inputting into the CMS calculator to see what the government think is the bare minimum?

£600 might sound like a lot to but if the ex wife has expensive childcare costs for a child with ASD and the OP is a high earner, this really should be taken into account

if she is only entitled to £600, I wonder why you've been paying more

if you've been paying more to be 'generous' then I think you've set yourself up to fail here as she will totally blame you having a new child on being less generous (and it looks that way)

did you take legal advice re the settlement? personally I think your best move here is to push ahead with the financial settlement

when you are discussing this, discuss with your solicitor what she is entitled to LEGALLY

then get your solicitor to discuss it with hers and come to an agreement. If the court is already questioning things, it sounds like it's nearly finalised?

then there should be less of an argument with you - but more with the divorce settlement and at that point, you can say 'well you've getting these 2 properties and even your solicitor says that is generous' (as she could sell them or let them I take it)

you need to put it all in a package not link you paying less to you having a child as that does look bad for everyone involved

Playing devil's advocate

It's stressful finding out that income (in this case child maintenance) will go down. She's probably wondering how long until you have #2 and the money goes down again. If she's the type to budget long term, she may have allocated that child maintenance to certain expenses.

It's good that you were generous. Good that you haven't stopped seeing the kids. However going from generous to CMS minimum will naturally have her on the back foot.

And I agree with rainingcatsanddogs don't call her money obsessed. It sounds more like she doesn't like her income varying and quite rightly no one does! So it may be that this causes her stress especially if she isn't expecting it

How much should you be paying for the 2 children?

The calculator is here:

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

You’ve been generous on the houses you have given her.

The reality is that people move on with their lives and people go on to have more children. The EW won’t like it, but that’s life.

My OH after leaving his wife (and no, I wasn’t the other woman) was paying the £500 mortgage in full and £1,200 in maintenance. Even when he lost his job he continued to pay. The CMS calculator said he should be paying £600 per month. When he said he was going to have to reduce to £1,000 a month all hell kicked off. Eventually their finances went to court and he now pays £700. He had actually offered more out of court but she refused his ‘pathetic contribution’. I should add kids were 8 & 10 and she refused to work.

The CMS calculator is the minimum. You should pay what you feel is right. The mother should also be contributing.

I just looked on the calculator and it’s actually only £114 per week I should be paying. So 600 will still be over a 100 more.

Re: he houses etc, I agreed to let her have them to secure our children’s futures and to minimise the stress caused to all involved. I walked away debt free which is all I wanted.

It’s a good idea a few posts up to not accocuate the money with the baby. I will just not mention money at this point, and let her draw her own conclusion which she will do then I expect she will start to make provisions. She has 6 months still.

She wouldn’t bitch to the boys, but she sometimes says things she doesn’t realise are damaging. Especially to my eldest who will take what she says on face value.

@Gooner82 in my honest opinion I believe you have been paying above and beyond for
So liking and she does have two houses that you have a left her. £600 is more than enough! My partner through csa only has to pay £164 for his two a month.. and my ex husband pays for £176 a month for one and I still afford everything for my son plus holidays and days out. Yes I have a partner now but at the time I was a single parent, paying childcare or £200 a month, plus we had holidays days out and my rent was £700 a month as we aren't in council property. So she will more than be able to live of the £600 so don't feel guilty and don't let the other mums on here make you feel bad for needing to pay less. We reduced with my dp pays his ex to the minimum when our son came along. It's life. Have you considered actually going through the csa? It's a £20 application fee. However you could then just simply say that you feel it's in the child best interests in the pressure is taken away from you both to sort out the finances and you want a third party to deal with it so it's fair. The only issue with that is that you can't apply until baby is here usually to get them added onto the csa as a dependent which brings the csa payments down.

It really depends on the financial agreement in the divorce settlement doesn’t it? Unless you go back to court to change it, you pay what was stipulated. You will have to ask for a variation.