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Original poster

DP's inheritance

51 replies

Decoratingdisasters · 02/04/2018 06:22

DP is about to inherit around 15,000 from his late Grandfather. We have been together around 8 years and have 2 DCs. We have wanted to get married for a while but have felt reluctant to get into debt for the sake of a wedding.
I naively thought that his inheritance would be used for the wedding, only to discover that DP has other plans for it and has said very bluntly that he does not want to spend any of the money on a wedding. He has said that he wants It to go towards something more exciting such as a small, shared holiday home or would much rather use it to pay off some of the mortgage.
I've asked him how we are ever going to afford a wedding and now he's talking about credit cards? I don't understand it.
I feel a bit gutted, but it is his inheritance at the end of the day, I don't get a say in what it gets spent on... do I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Decoratingdisasters · 02/04/2018 14:53

Net: I think he's feeling the peer pressure of a lavish wedding. Many of his friends have had very impressive weddings, I think he worries that ours wouldn't compare. My friends have taken much cheaper, more flexible routes to marriage. I'm not sure I would want the stress of anything too big, I just want to be married to him.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/04/2018 14:56

Fair enough, Decor, the fact is your partner doesn't want to spunk his inheritance on a wedding, so you remain unmarried. Of course people who have kids before marriage deserve financial help Hmm but I wouldn't give either of mine a wodge of a cash for a big wedding when they've already put the cart before the horse, seems silly when you have kids to pay for first. We all have to cut our cloth to suit our needs. Your partner is being sensible to use this money on the mortgage or an investment, a wedding is none of those.

CraftyGin · 02/04/2018 14:58

You are not married. It’s totally up to him what he spends his inheritance on.

I imagine you can get married for under £1000.

TheNoseyProject · 02/04/2018 15:08

Seems like the convo you need to have is: a) I want to get married for xyz reasons (stability, legal protection, whatever) and because I love you and want to make that formal and legal. Do you want that too?

If yes,
B) I don’t care about size of wedding, seems like you do. Why don’t we have a small registry office do and save up for the bigger party in x years time?

I had a medium sized wedding and all in including honeymoon to Italy it was under £7k. That was for 60 guests, barn, catering, dress, suit for dh etc. so you really don’t need 10s of £000 for a lovely day.

AnnabelleLecter · 02/04/2018 15:20

We spent our inheritances on paying a chunk off the mortgage and buying a holiday cottage and didn't regret either decision. So it's obvious what my advice would be.
Our wedding was a simple but lovely affair with a lavish honeymoon.

ilikebread · 02/04/2018 15:22

It’s his inheritance not yours.

He can spend it on what he likes

RandomMess · 02/04/2018 15:28

I think I would that the perfect wedding is an excuse not to marry and/or he's more invested in a wedding than a marriage...

Would he elope?? Stops the comparison to his mates lavish affairs and much cheaper!

sparklepops123 · 02/04/2018 15:30

Have you tried to suggest a cheaper wedding to him? Gage his response from that

carbuckety · 02/04/2018 15:37

Whenever I read these kind of threads I wonder if people really want to be married or really want a wedding. A wedding is the ceremony and the party/ nice day ( or really stressful day!) itself. A marriage is the rest of your lives. Our wedding was lovely. Registry office, our kids , a parent each plus friends and their kids. Meal at a local chain restaurant. A night in a hotel. Wonderful. Probably cost £1000 max.

The marriage bit has been a whole lot tougher but we are still together 19 years later. When I had a similar size inheritance I bought myself an expensive laptop I'd not otherwise ever buy and paid a lump off the mortgage.

I think you need to talk to him about where you see yourselves 10 years down the line. Perfection is rarely achieved but happiness can be

seventh · 02/04/2018 15:40

He chooses how he spends his inheritance - fair enough.

He chooses the type of wedding you have - why?

Does he normally make all the choices? Where do your choices come in?

GeorgeTheHippo · 02/04/2018 15:47

He wants a perfect wedding but he won't pay for one. Does he actually want to be married or is it an excuse?

Cynara · 02/04/2018 15:49

I live with DP and we have dc. I have to say that if I were in your DP's position I would find the idea of squandering an inheritance on a wedding absolutely ridiculous. If I came into 15k now it would go straight into the mortgage, no two ways about it. That's where I would see my responsibility and commitment to my family, and actually I think he's showing maturity and responsibility by prioritising your joint financial stability. If he was talking about spending it on a hobby or lads' holidays then I'd be with you all the way, but as it is his plans sound very reasonable.

M0RVEN · 02/04/2018 16:15

So he wants a “ perfect wedding “ but he doesn’t want to pay for it ? Bollocks.

I’m sorry but I stand by my previous comment. He doesn’t want to be Married to you. The money and the wedding are just an excuse.

Some PP seem confused between being married and having a big wedding. You can get married for £60. Having a big fancy expensive wedding is optional .

NefretForth · 02/04/2018 17:21

Cynara, that would be a fair point if it was the OP who wanted the perfect, glossy, expensive wedding. It sounds as though it's actually him who wants it, or claims to want it.

I'm with M0rven, I'm afraid - he doesn't want to marry you. Which is sad, but you need to think where you go from here: are you happy just living with him? Do you have an income of your own? If not, can you get one? Does he pull his weight with the kids? What happens if you split up?

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 17:28

OP,
He sounds very realistic. and spending the money on wise things for the family.

I do understand your disappointment though.

JoJoSM2 · 02/04/2018 19:01

Share of a holiday home for 15k? That's completely daft - probably some timeshare? Waste of money. Paying down the mortgage might make some financial sense but other investments would probably make more financial sense.

In terms of getting married - he's made it clear he doesn't want to spend money on a wedding nor does he want to get married on the cheap - sounds like he's pretty clear about not wanting to get married at all?

And how people pay for weddings - we had a big wedding and paid out of our savings and investments following years of working hard (50h+ a week) + did it before having children.

Fundays12 · 02/04/2018 19:48

Suggest combing a holiday and wedding abroad instead it’s a nice compromise. He may not want the big wedding.

Original poster
Decoratingdisasters · 02/04/2018 20:41

Thankyou to those who have given objective, constructive responses 👍
Makes me consider things differently.

OP posts:
GeekyWombat · 02/04/2018 20:49

Why don’t you go on holiday to Vegas and get married at the same time? Or a lovely beach in Mexico? Hawaii. Somewhere like that.

LadyLapsang · 02/04/2018 23:29

So when is this "perfect wedding" going to happen and how will it be financed? Given you aren't married and have children and a property, have you both got wills etc.?

TammyWhyNot · 02/04/2018 23:44

Is the house jointly owned? In both your names?

I don’t think it sensible to spend an inheritance (or any money) on a big wedding. However I think he is being inconsiderate or uncaring. If he knows it is important to you to get married, he should take your feelings seriously. He has two options available; spend the inheritance on the wedding of his taste, or not spend it on a wedding of your taste. He is taking neither option. And his desire for a competitive ‘perfect ‘wedding should not take precedence over your wish to be married.

Are you a SAHM, and is the house I’m his name? Because in your shoes I would be worried if you do not have your own assets and income.

Original poster
Decoratingdisasters · 03/04/2018 17:11

Everything equal. House jointly owned. We both work. We just initially chose children over marriage for fertility reasons.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 03/04/2018 17:18

Holiday wedding is genius.

M0RVEN · 05/04/2018 16:10

We just initially chose children over marriage for fertility reasons

With respect, I think you mean you chose to TTC before getting married so you could plan and save for a fancy expensive wedding.

It only takes a few hours to get married. It costs less than £100.

And does “ everything equal “ mean that you both work the same hours in the same salary and have the same pension ? And that you share housework and childcare 50:50 and took the same amount of maternity / paternity leave ? That you both take the same amount of time off work when your children are sick ? And you only do half of the wifework?

If so, you are in a tiny minority. And I take my hat off to you for being so smart.

Women have been sold the lie that the legal and financial benefits of the legal contract of marriage are unimportant . Because a £20k wedding with a £2k dress and £590 hen weekend are all that matters.

Meanwhile the wedding industry gets richer. And mothers and children are made homeless and have to claim benefits to keep a roof over their heads while their feckless ex’s run off into the sunset.

SuttonSurrey · 05/04/2018 17:02

I agree with him tbh. £15k is better used towards the mortgage or a holiday home. An investment for the future.

I spent less than £500 on my wedding. Yes, we were married in a registry office but we have a 4 bed detached house, 2 new cars and holidays. And, money in the bank. We are also mortgage free this year. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in March.

My cousin, who married the same year as us, spent £20k on her wedding. Church, white horses, carriage the lot! The marriage lasted 2 years. She ran off with a doctor!!

Don't value a relationship on how much you spend on a wedding. He sounds very sensible to me.

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