Help with household finances

[allthemoney]

NC for this but I am a regular poster. DH and I can't seem to get a grip in our finances in a fair way that doesn't leave either of us feeling resentful.
We don't have a joint bank account.
One ds in childcare 3 days per week.

DH has a good job, €50,000 per year(we're Irish)
I am self employed and due to some very difficult times recently not earning a massive amount, about €400 per week. But it can go up considerably from time to time. It also goes down a lot from time to time

Here's how we do it at the minute, it really isn't working and every discussion turns in to a row.

He pays: rent €525pm
Half of childcare €240 pm
Health insurance €103 pm
WiFi €50pm
Savings€800pm
Phones €60pm

I pay: food shopping €600 pm give or take
Half of childcare €240 pm
Electricity €140 pm
Savings €800pm
Personal loan €60pw

I'm also responsible for all the running costs of my business which is expensive, rent and all the other bits and if I'm stuck he does help me out, he's not happy about it though.

The issue is if the car needs to be serviced or breaks down(his or mine) he wants us to just have the money to fix it and not dip in to savings(which are healthy but for a house deposit)
If he asks me how much money I have on Saturday evening I tell him for example last Saturday I had €300, but I have to do the shopping out of that, then I had to buy a birthday present out of it too, and when I say that he gets annoyed and says why can't you just tell me what you have left.
He feels he always has to have money in case I Dont, and he has nothing for himself.

I can't remember the last time I bought myself anything either so it's not like I'm living the high life.
I tend to buy most of ds clothes and things but DH would give me anything I want for ds too so there's no issue there.

I work 4 days per week, he works shifts, 5 days per week and is studying at the minute too so I completely work my hours around him.
I feel like he thinks I do nothing and barely contribute.

Every time we talk about it he gets annoyed with me because he says I'm defensive and I don't answer properly but I feel he earns more, and I facilitate that so he should pay more. We are having a chat about it this evening and I would love some help with a clear, fair plan to put to him.
Please help!

I forgot car insurance! He pays his and I pay mine, €60pm each

He saves £800 a month and you are worrying about money ? He needs to review his savings and money should be joint when you are married with kids and living together. How about both paying a proportion of your wages into a joint account out of which all rent/ food/ childcare costs are paid. Then you both have a certain amount of spending money for yourselves - for clothes / haircuts / going out etc then whatever is surplus is saved.

We save €800 per month in a in a joint savings account! Thanks @Babyroobs I'll table that idea for certain

€800 each I mean! So €1600 savings

But you're paying more than he is!

you're a team. you have a child. get rid of the stupid split finances.

X comes in
Y goes out

X-Y is what you have left to save or for fun money

You are paying for electricity and food, the two variable things. He's paying fixed bills like rent. You will always be worse off - things never go down in price, plus you've no real idea each month what your bills will be, whereas he does.

Your outgoings are more than him. He needs to take on some of your bills or you need to reduce the savings amount.

That's exactly my point but when I say it to him he always says that he has to keep money because I always have a bill that's a surprise to him that I need help with and when I write it all down and point out how much I pay then he wants to know why he has nothing left at the end of the fortnight(he's paid fortnightly)

Either he pays more or you pay less into savings because using your figures you are paying more then him, but earning less then him.

Using your figures he brings home about 2,500 per month and pay out 1,778 and your bring in around 1,200 (at the moment) and pay out 1,840 per month. I would stop paying into the saving account for now as you can not afford it.

I would write down the total of all house hold bills and divide it between you where he pays say 60% and you 40% in to joint bank account.

Rent 525
Childcare 240
Health ins 103
Wifi 50
Savings 800
Phones 60
Food 600
Childcare 240
Electricity 140
Savings 800
Total 3558

If you are splitting 50-50 you should each pay 1779.

At the moment you are paying 1780 plus your personal loan (I couldn't work out whether that was weekly or monthly so left it out.)

He is currently paying 1778.

So you are roughly paying the same, though your costs are variable and you are also paying for the personal loan. I know that's in your name but was it used for something that only applied to you? Did he agree to you taking it out?

I can't be doing with this sort of thing, though. You're meant to be a family. He's rich and you're poor. That is just wrong.

Thanks @MyBrilliantDisguise and @Clutterbugsmum that's really helpful, the loan is 240 per month, it was a consolidation loan for credit cards and a personal loan. It was taken out after we moved in together to cover debt from before we met. I think the 60/40 idea might work. He is very reasonable and he always helps me out but I end up feeling very defensive and can't get my point across properly

Husband earns double the amount I do.

We put all household expenditure onto a spreadsheet, work out the difference in %, what that amounts to in money and put that amount into a joint account.

He puts in roughly £1000 a month, I put in £500. This includes money that is then transferred into a savings account and a emergency fund, and would also include any loans that need paying off. But it means the one transfer a month covers everything and is fair.

He still has more leftover, but that levels out as he pays for petrol, car maintenance etc (my commute is significantly cheaper).

We both get increments or promotions so we review it every 6 months.

What's with this 60:40?

He earns around 4,000 per month before tax. You earn around 1,600 per month before tax. Presumably you are taking care of your child for two days a week, plus the weekend?

Why should you pay 40% into the pot?

Wouldn't it be better if you two had a shared account on his income, with both of you accessing it, while you save your income entirely? Then if it goes up, your savings go up and if it goes down, you just can't save much that month.

DH is a much, much higher earner but we have joint finances. We each keep the same 'pocket money' and the rest goes into the family pot. All the bills, food, savings, holidays, cars etc are paid out of that. Every couple of months we'll sit down to agree how much to spend on bigger stuff (like holidays or furniture) to avoid any disagreements or resentment.

My DH earns four times what I do. All our finances are joint, down to how much free “spending money” we both have each month.
I think it’s he only fair way, especially when children are involved as one of you always ends up doing more childcare and therefore can’t work that day

We've just had a chat about it and DH says we can either work off his account, he'll get me a card for it or he will transfer whatever I want in to my account every fortnight when he gets paid. And he's happy to pay more than I do, Whatever I want to do he's happy with. I should have opened my mouth sooner. Thanks a million for all the suggestions

Glad it worked out well.

Glad you talked and got it sorted.

Wow, that's the second thread I've seen this week that's been sorted by one conversation! Excellent news.
For what it's worth, we have just switched from a system of each putting x into a joint account and keeping the rest; to using YouNeedABudget and allocating ourselves equal "pocket money".