Being the 'poor' friend

[Alwaystired4]

Mums tell me im not alone in this!
Ive got some lovely mum friends but i just cant do what they do!
I suggest we just have play dates at each others houses or go to the park but it's always 'how about a play group £10 per child!' Or a 'sensory class just £5 each' and then costa coffee after!
I take my little ones in the garden and for lots of walks and we have a yearly membership for a local wildlife centre but i cant afford what all the other mums do with their kids. I know my babies have plenty to do but when it comes to socialising with mum friends i feel like i always miss out.
I've been honest and said i cant afford it but i just feel like a total loser when everyone is discussing their holidays abroad and decorating their homes and i keep getting asked 'so where are you going for holidays this year?'
I know its so daft to moan i don't care that i dont have that stuff i just feel like an outsider socially.
Anyone else have this? Sitting quietly with your friends whilst they all discuss their 'stuff and new things' and just feeling like an outsider?
Apologies if this all sounds a bit whiney!!

Yup. Made a thread about it yesterday actually. So no you aren't alone.

Suggest going to the wildlife centre. Or to the park. I'm in a group that spends quite a bit socialising but if anyone suggests a free option we are all up for it

They should be more thoughtful.

No way really? Not just me then!! Xx

Where did you meet them?
I'd just be honest. Just be bluntly honest. Holiday? We'll be lucky if we get a weekend in Skegness. £10 soft play? Sorry I just cant afford it. If they're not making efforts to accommodate seeing you and involving you, they aren't friends.

Don't feel sorry for yourself. Period. Focus on what you have and can do.

Not that easy? Yes it is. You are alive, isn't that wonderful?! I'm hoping that you and your dc have your health. That's awesome. You have everything. Fuck material stuff.

You're upfront about your financial situation, that's all you can do. If people are insensitive they probably don't mean to be. If they do mean to be insensitive stop hanging out with them.

If someone said to me that they'd love to hang out but haven't got a pot to piss in and how about coming round to theirs for a run around in the garden (the kids obviously!!!) with tea and biscuits instead I'd say thanks very much, fuck Costa and i'd probably bring cake too!

Real friends don't give a shit. Are these people really your friends or just passers by in your life?

"I'm on a tight budget at the moment, would you mind doing something that doesn't cost money?"

I think that in their defence, it is very difficult to constantly entertain toddlers and preschoolers,money or not. It very unlikely they’re doing it to make you feel bad, it’s far more likely that they are desperately searching for new stuff to do to keep the small child entertained. I’m not saying expensive stuff is better, many a child has had a strop and refused to do something paid for or been completely disinterested or been taken to the zoo but instead cries for CBeebies or whatever. What I’m saying is that it is probably desperation Nd you shouldn’t feel bad. Just join in what you wish to.

Plus holidays abroad with babies and toddlers aren’t even holidays. They are a shit tonne of work in an unfamiliar location without your usual facilities And parents probably stressing and arguing. Then they come back and say oh yes, x was lovely. To keep up appearances of things being fine, them being ‘normal’. Decorating also a complete pain in the ass with little kids. Want a 3yo picking up a hammer? A 2yo touching wet paint? It’s all talk and you shouldn’t feel bad

I had a 'friend' like that. She ended up telling mutual friends not to bother inviting me and my dcs places as she thought it was embarrassing for me to have to refuse. More like she was embarrassed and didn't want a poor family in her social group!

I was always in the middle. I had friends with money to spare, and friends with very little.

I drew up some lists of free days out, minimal cost days out and more expensive days out.

I then worked out how to get the best deals for each.

For example each year our group of friends would decide on a local attraction/ annual family ticket and we would get them together when it's at its cheapest. Usually January or February for locals showing a utility bill. Or saving vouchers to buy it.

This meant that the majority of us could afford relatively cheap days out together over the year. Throw in a picnic and divide up the annual ticket by the amount of visits it was cheap.

If that failed and there was one or two who couldn't afford this, we would look at the free list of things to do and take a picnic.

The result was a variety of happy stimulating places to take children.

Our favourite one was pond dipping followed by picnic (hand sanitizer at the ready).

Or beach combing and rock pooling with a picnic.

Feeding the ducks

Walking in the woods

The free days out are often much better as the crowds of people at attractions are missing.

A robust picnic rug, flask and cool bag are essential.

Only DS1 on the way so don't know about toddler groups, but it's equally awkward being the 'rich' friend. To see my 'poor' friend, I invite her for dinner, suggest meeting in Costa or going for a walk/to a free museum etc. However, that doesn't mean that I don't want to ever do any more expensive stuff so end up doing the costly activities with other well-off friends (spa breaks, shows, posh restaurants, charity balls etc).

Similarly, your friends want their kids to have fun in sensory play or some other fancy playgroup rather than just stick to a handful of free options. Or go somewhere for coffee or lunch rather than be cooped up at home every time they meet up with friends? But presumably they're happy to do a mixture of free and expensive stuff?

I think it would be unreasonable to expect them to give up playgroups or coffees so that you can do sth for free every time.

And sorry if I'm being a bit clueless, but with £10-15 needed per outing is your financial situation so bad that you can't afford those at all? I can see how a very low income family can't hope to go on holiday but 2-3 paid outings/months to socialise with other children and mums doesn't seem that crazy expensive.

Times have changed so much. I have raised 4 kids as a SAHM and our social life was playgroups that cost about a £1, coffees round each other's houses and trips to local parks.

I think you should look for friends in a similar financial situation. They won't (and shouldn't) give up doing their stuff and if you keep saying no to invites to coffee and play dates, you will drift apart and they will stop asking. Just let it happen.

I'm not going to go to charity balls and have less to do with some old friends because seeing them is so expensive. But on the other hand, I don't have a lot of patience with people who have no money to do anything or for people come when they can't really afford it and talk about how much everything is costing. It is hard work when there is a mismatch. What if I want a coffee at the wildlife centre?

I agree. Make life easier and stick with the mums you feel are on your current wave length and limits financially. They’re allowed to spend their hard earned money on pricey kiddie things and your allowed to budget where budgeting needs to happen.
But I can understand it’s frustrating x

Wow Jojo - are you really that ignorant? Even just reading threads on MN should make you realise that some people really are struggling to make ends meet at the moment and that 3/4 £15 outings could be their food budget blown for the month.

No one really cares where (or if) you are going on holiday. It’s just stuff people ask to show an interest - make conversation.

A tenner where do they have it 338!?

I gradually drifted away from my group of wealthy friends, especially when they started going abroad for long weekends.

Play dates at home or the park can quickly get very boring, I can understand why they want to do an activity instead. Maybe they just want to enjoy their maternity leave and make the most of it.

Just decline what you can't afford and offer to host at yours to suit your budget.

JoJo re-read your post. It not only belittles what the OP is saying about her financial situation but is very condescending.

No not everyone can afford several 'activities' a month at £10 a pop.

You are clearly in a fortunate position but I wouldn't look down your nose too much at your 'poor' friends, life can change very quickly. It only takes your marriage/partnership to end or you to lose your job and life could look very different.

I think having the same parenting style and attitudes as your friends who are parents is way more important than income.
My closest friends have probably twice the income we do. They go on holiday every year, the kids have the newest toys whereas we visit relatives and then go on a weekend in a caravan and buy second hand toys. Honestly, not a big deal if you are happy with the choices you have made. In my case I am a SAHM as the cost of childcare would have been way more than I made working in my last job. My DH isn't very ambitious and flexibility is important so in case of an emergency, as has happened several times recently, he can just explain to the boss and leave. We deal with the difference in income by not making a big deal of it TBH. I get memberships for local places as presents from family so there are always two or three local attractions we can go to for free. Other places I look for deals and offers - eg we all went to a particular place, others prepaid so they could walk in, I arrived half an hour early to queue with my 2 for 1 voucher. My kids are by no means deprived of entertainment or toys or anything else. I guess we are all on different incomes but all are grateful for what we have and dont take the 'we work really hard and people with less money obviously dont work as hard' line. If I had limited myself to friends of the same income I dont think I would have many friends. Also how do you do that exactly? Not exactly a conversation starter.

Also, if a trip is too expensive I would either say its too expensive, or just say we are busy and suggest another meet up another time. I wouldn't expect other people to not do expensive stuff as I cant afford it. Just be nice about it. Its all about attitudes basically. If they are spending all their time complaining about how its so hard to decide what to do for decoration in their 5th bedroom and are generally insensitive then I would look for other friends.

We have some friends who are much better off than us and I’ve found it best to be upfront (sorry can’t stretch to that this month, how about we meet you in the park afterwards and all bring a picnic, etc) They are lovely people though so it’s not an issue as they totally understand. If your friends aren’t then you need new friends! We also have other friends who are sometimes in a worse financial position than us, so equally try to be sensitive when suggesting activities with them and suggest a range of ideas so they can agree to whatever they can do at the time.

It's the non child related activities I find worse. Sorry, can't afford the gin tasting event, the drinks out, spa treatment, gym membership, meeting up in a cafe etc. So I don't get invited much now. Also, hard to get anyone to just meet up at each others places.

you are prob feeling it a bit more this time of year tbh. it is hard entertaining toddlers and not everyone likes having lots of kids to their house.
do your dc go to playgroup yet? you might find friends happy to do more low key stuff there. the mum friends i had from playgroup were more low key and keen to play down any financial differences.