Depressed and just need to this off my chest.
Me, my husband, 2.5 year old, baby on the way. Both kids conceived in ‘times of plently’ before reality caught up with us again.
About £2000 in debt, not much to some, but it’s not going away and is steadily increasing. It started when we had to use credit cards and overdrafts to afford our wedding. We regret spending the money often.
We spend about £50-100 a month on food, live on cans of beans and similar for ourselves, with a couple of ‘good’ meals a week and cook nice things from scratch where possible for DS - he always has a good diet, good clothes, and his bedroom is heated.
We have, after many years of moving around, found ourself a tiny 2 bed flat that is nice enough that I am not yearning to leave already. Good, safe neighbourhood, nice neighbours, close to places we need to travel. Paying a higher council tax band and rent feels well worth it. And yet, we aren’t making ends meet, even with benefits.
There isn’t a solution here. I just cannot bear to move to cheaper housing and have my children brought up to the sounds of junkies battering each other as the stench of weed wafts up through the floor boards. Been there, done that. DH is job hunting at the moment, for a job with more hours. When he gets that job, we will be fine, but in the moment I am freaking out. We are both working part time minimum wage jobs at the moment, childcare is a constant, expensive problem and our qualifications forgotten about for now as we focus on just making money.
We haven’t gone on holiday for years, we went for a weekend away before DS was born and not been able to do it again since. DH has been doing without new clothes for ages and chooses to do without a winter jacket or decent shoes (his are almost rags now but look good at first glance). I feel immensely guilty as I have spent a lot of money (couple hundred) on clothes this month. I don’t know what it was, pregnancy hormones most likely, but I have felt ugly and fat for so long and had worn out so many of my clothes that I felt like a slob. I know I could have shopped at Primark but the clothes rarely last and I guess I just wanted to have something nice. DH was cool with me spending the money on myself, but it has only added to my debt and when I think about it I feel terrible. Not trying to justify it, but I have been wearing the same holey jeans and three tshirts since DS was born - needless to say they don’t exactly fit as I am getting a big baby bump.
Just, we both feel rubbish and years of this is getting to me. We have never had to starve, but we have been cold in the winters at times (not DS). We have put our marriage through so much stress, not being able to afford real dates, just walks on the beach and picnics etc, not leaving the house much in winter because there’s nothing to do we don’t have to pay for, except again, more walks, or going to the shops which I dread in case we are tempted to waste money.
I could write a huge list of things we have wasted money on, but to be honest, I can’t hold them against either of us. We are both struggling to make this work -life, our marriage, whatever - and every now and again (maybe every month or two) we need a pick me up, be it a nice dinner, a new pair of shoes, some new clothes ...none of these things would really count as splurging for most people.
I’m sorry, what a rant. Just needed to get it off my chest. I grew up poor, so did he, but I never saw this for myself, especially when I graduated. I just feel like I’m waiting for things to get better, like once he gets a full time job, once kids are older...or maybe we will find somewhere cheaper but still nice to live. I don’t know. Just, on horribly winters days like this I just imagine being able to go on holiday, or buy a house, it cheers me up but I feel worse when I realise it’s not going to happen.
I know this is a huge self pity rant, but I don’t like to go on about it to friends as we previously had a friend who did nothing but whinge about life and it was awful, so I try not to.
I’m 26 and I feel like I’m in my fifties. If it weren’t for our lovely little family I would be sorely regretting most of my life decisions but hell I wish things were a little easier.
I just really needed to put my feelings out there, somehow.