Financial mess impacting TTC

[Thursday37]

Please bear with this – it is quite complicated but I’d really appreciate other people’s views.

My OH now earns less than half of my salary and he was made bankrupt 2 years ago due to a failed business (he did nothing reckless, it just failed and he spent too long trying to prop it up personally). He is generally poor at managing money although has made big efforts to rein things in. I manage all of the money so that a) it all gets paid and b) I can sleep at night

At the moment we each have our own bank accounts and I have another account that is dedicated only to all of our household bills. We cannot have a joint account due to his bankruptcy – I have an excellent, unblemished record whereas his is as bad as it can be so we can have no financial associations.
He pays all of his salary into this “bill” account (it is like a joint account but not) and uses one of my credit cards (as an additional account holder) for his spending and joint things like grocery bills which I then pay in full out of the money he pays into the account. It means he has no cash, but also means he can have no debt.

I also have a horse which is expensive so although on paper I earn a lot more, I have an expensive commitment that costs as much as another mortgage, so my disposable income after I pay 50% of the household bills is negligible (usually less than £50).
I also have all of the liability because he can have no credit, so the mortgage etc is based only on my salary and we have a small amount on a 0% credit card from our new bathroom (circa £3k left to pay off).

The non-horsey might say “get rid of the horse” but that is not an option, she is an older horse, had lots of injuries and aside from OH she is my best friend. She is with me for life. Getting another after she is no longer with us will be a different decision but that is hopefully years away.

Currently we pay house bills and groceries inc. mortgage (which is in my name only) 50/50. Arguing about money (lack of) has become a huge issue in our relationship – much worse than the bankruptcy itself oddly.

Currently we can’t TTC as I just don’t see how on earth we can find the money. He can’t contribute more, I can’t afford to earn a penny less. It is not like we are on dreadful pay either (I earn around £48k, he earns £22k) but we have a large mortgage and no savings now.

On almost every post about money I see people pay a proportion towards the bills that is based on their salary (although more often than not the wife earns less and does the childcare)– but there is just no way we can do this as the sums don’t add up. So do you think it is “fair” that we split bills 50/50 or should I be paying more? At the moment I can’t see any way forward. If we had a child there is no way by OH would become a stay at home Dad, so I’d be the one working full time still to earn the money to keep the mortgage etc. But that would mean full-time childcare, so another £800pm to find. We qualify for absolutely diddly squat (no tax credits, no child benefit etc).

Feels such a mess. And I am approaching 40 so not as though we can afford to wait.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom or been in a similar state?

Can you up the rent on the BTL property? If not, I'd sell it in an instant if it was that or never have children.

I'm afraid I agree that your choices are your problem. Your household net income for two people is £4,200 a month which is very good indeed. Bills and groceries come to £2,900 a month even without the hourse. You must be in mountains of debt or are living on caviar. And presumably you have some income from your rented property. And nobody pays a whopping tax bill without the earnings to match it. Your flat must be bringing some income.

I’m afraid, in your particular circumstances the choice is literally a baby or a horse. Either decision is valid, but it’s your decision to make.

Although, re reading... how are your outgoings so high? We have 2 dc, a very large mortgage, run a car and don’t live at all frugally. Our bills plus groceries are nowhere near as high as yours.

Options seem to be:-

1. Sell the horse. I can see you really don't want to do that - which is fair enough.
2. Sell your btl property. Your tax advisor shouldn't be advising on what will or won't be matrimonial assets. I'd take whatever they said with a pinch of salt tbh.
3. Earn more. Any scope to increase income?

If not, it's going to come down a choice between the horse, the house or the child. Any choice is valid but you are not in a position to have all three.

This thread seems familiar.

At their ages, though, they need that BTL for the future. If her partner doesn't have a pension, he's screwed.

Stop the lessons - you are not planning to compete your old, post injury horse I presume and you're not sure if you'll get another one so just have her as a happy hacker. Advertise for a sharer , even on a pay per ride basis. Take shared parental leave. The days when only women had to take the time off are finished. Obvs you take the earlier bit if b/f round the clock.

You'll get childcare vouchers or the new system so childcare costs are slightly mitigated.

No need for Sky- get a fire stick or similar.

Sell or take equity out of the second home to fund mat leave and childcare.

So many options but there is no magic money tree

Hang on a minute. Are you married? I'd not, it's nonsense to say that selling y BTL and down paying your mortgage would make your home a matrimonial asset. You keep referring to your OH; is he husband or partner?
Also, you could rehome the horse, doesn't have to be PTS

What do you mean you won't qualify for the mortgage? . Once you have a mortgage you have it. They don't keep coming back to check that you can still afford it.

But in any event its very obvious to me. You cut out all non essentials like riding lessons, ski tv and cleaner and you sell the buy to let. Reduce down your mortgage with the equity and then there is more cash for childcare if necessary.

There really are not many people who have two properties, an expensive horse and children.

If I desperately wanted a baby and to keep the horse I’d sell the rental. You say you have £180k equity? Pay a huge chunk off mortgage. Reducing the mortgage payment long term. Keep enough to live on for maternity leave and cover child care costs for a couple of years. You get to keep the horse, reduce outgoings and have a baby.

Surely you can sell the btl and use the equity to fund childcare etc? I see your dilemma about keeping the horse and I think you should.

You are spending money left right and centre. You have lots of choices to save more money, just none you're willing to make.

You can absolutely afford a baby. You don't want to make the changes. And that's fine. But it's your choice.

Two homes, a horse, cleaner,sky tv and other pets but you can't afford to have a baby. Okay then.

I have to say, I agree.

You say you'll be 50 in ten years, yes? If you're going to have a baby, you need to get on with it. You don't honestly sound that fussed though? You want a three bed house with a garden, loads of pets, a cleaner, sky telly, a lease car and a horse instead!

Before DH and I had kids, we had a tiny flat with none of the above!

You are making extremely expensive choices and then moaning that you have no money. Will you look back in ten years and regret having no kids?

One thing that pops out in your post is the horse, I understand it's difficult to get rid of a loved animal but when I had dd there's no way in a million years I'd have had any time to see a horse let alone love it. You might find as well that you have a lot less interest in a horse if you had a baby

It’s choice time- baby or second home. Baby or horse. I’d wait and see if you get pregnant first though...

You are actually in a very fortunate position with all that equity. It could be so easy if you really wanted a baby. You are in a much better position than most with options available. Maybe your heart isn’t in it enough?

There's no financial mess. You have lots of money, but you hve two houses (!), a biggish main house, a horse, other pets, and luxuries.

Most people pick - lifestyle or children. Dh and I bring home more than you but live in a small flat because we wanted two children. We can move to a house when they're both in school.

If you are about 40 then you do not have time to wait until you have a larger income. And what realistically will change in the next 2-3 years to give you more income? If you have between you £100 spare a month?

You will get child benefit as you earn below £60,000. It is not based on both incomes added together but on the highest single income which is yours. If you remove Sky and a cleaner now you would start having some extra savings straight away. Your £100 joint savings a month plus CB a month plus no Sky or cleaner would be £2-300 a month that you need to cover childcare. You can buy all baby essentials second hand or even get lots free from local Facebook sites. But childcare is the big cost.

Sounds like you have a choice to make - sell your second house if there is money in it or it is or not have a horse. Or seriously review your current housing needs - are pets more important in your home than a child? Or not have a child. If the horse or having two houses is more important to you than having a child then the decision is fairly easy to make. In a few years there will be no decision to make as unlikely to have a child so easily and you may already be at the limit for free NHS testing or fertility help. And private fertility test and treatment are very expensive as I sadly found out!!

I very nearly spat out my wine when you said you were left with £50 but had sky tv and a cleaner - and then the second hone appeared!! I'm sorry but most of my horsey friends rehomed the horse in order to have babies - aside from money there is often not enough time in the day to care for both and it is the horse that gets the raw end of the deal. As many pp have said you are choosing to spend what you are. If you were desperate for a child you would budget from the bottom up - so meal plan and budget for food. Cut all non essential spend like tv and cleaner and activitly look to reduce horse costs.

£180,000 in equity and you think you can't afford a baby??

People have babies who've never had £180 in savings in their lives!!

I can see your POV op as I had an array of animals before ttc and I was the breadwinner. I also had no real equity or assets to speak of.

No animals were PTS or rehomed, but we did sell (my) house and rent for a while. It freed up equity and we didn’t qualify for a mortgage again for a long time.

One thing I would say is that I LOVED having animals with my small children. It helped enormously with PND. The idea that you have to have an animal ‘clearout’ stinks!

I’m not sure I’d recommend my way, but ultimately I wanted children. I don’t regret any of it though.

One thing I’d definitely recommend is having a read of total money makeover by Dave Ramsey. I’m not American or Christian, but the man talks sense about money!

Your DH will have to look after the child then, and maybe work evenings or partial nights when you're home from work to top up your earnings.

It's all about choices

Baby or horse
Baby or sell btl flat
Baby or move to a cheaper area (if staying local for elderly father, would he not prefer to have grandchildren? He could move with you, or give an 'advance inheritance' if he wants you to stay in expensive area, or stay behind if he prefers).

Personally I would choose having a baby over pets, a horse, a btl and living close to an elderly parent (sorry mum!). You may choose differently, but please do actively make that choice. Don't dither and wake up one day no longer fertile and regretting it.