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Original poster

Separated :Child Tax Credits/Benefit

56 replies

softfocus · 22/09/2017 13:31

My ex and I split when my daughter(now 7) was 10 months old.
We have shared contact/residency 50/50 since then.
I have my daughter for 3 nights during school week(Fri/Sat/Sun) and more over holidays.

I earn approx £ 17.500 p.a ,my ex , who doesn't work, has always taken the whole of the credits/benefit.

We have been in mediation before which really helped with contact issues but for the past year,my ex has not wanted to attend a mediation session to discuss a fairer share of the credits/benefits saying she has no money.

My ex who has been in rented accommodation and receiving housing benefit has always claimed she needed the money due to not working.
Now,however, she has just bought an £180,000 house and is spending another £20,000 (at least) getting it done up. The money was from an inheritance from her Grandfather but had always been kept under an account of her parent's.
In addition,I know my ex has been doing cash in hand jobs and receives a £5000/year "Director's Loan" (from a company her new boyfriend owns).
I spend a lot of money on my daughter: clothes,haircuts,cinema,theatre,days out etc.. none of it begrudged
but her mum spends very little in comparison.

What would people recommend as a next step?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
softfocus · 22/09/2017 15:34

Stitch,
I live 25 miles away,no car , rely on train.
During my working week it would be impossible to get to pick up on time.also,we have agreed travelling would be too much for our daughter.

OP posts:
BackieJerkhart · 22/09/2017 15:39

So what you're saying is she isn't actually doing any parenting, you're doing it all, remotely. Which begs the question, why haven't you taken your daughter to live with you full time if you are so dissatisfied with the lack of care being provided by her mother?

stitchglitched · 22/09/2017 15:40

During my working week it would be impossible to get to pick up on time.

Yet your ex should manage this because 'there is such a thing as working mums too.'

Look, if you have agreed a contact schedule that works for you both then great. But you ought to acknowledge that you are relying on your ex to be the available parent during the week because you can't juggle those demands with your job. Your ex's earning potential is therefore limited in a way that yours isn't. So why do you want a share of her benefits?

Original poster
softfocus · 22/09/2017 15:46

Backie,I have no intention of taking my daughter away from her mum.

Stitch,I love 25 miles away from the school.mum lives directly opposite it and utilises her mum to do pick up very often because she is "tired".
My earning potential is also limited because of time with my daughter and that is fine.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 22/09/2017 15:49

So what if she asks her Mum to help? You're not having to leave work early to do it are you. Why do you think you are entitled to her benefits? Asked about three times now.

BackieJerkhart · 22/09/2017 15:52

Backie,I have no intention of taking my daughter away from her mum.

We all know that. We were under no illusions that you actually want to do the donkey work. You just want to take the money she has so she has even less to spend on your daughter while she is in her care. Nice.

Original poster
softfocus · 22/09/2017 15:58

Backie,nothing would please me more than to have my daughter full time.however,both of us want her to have time with both of us hence the shared parenting.
Stitch,my point about the grandmother was that ex has that extra option unavailable to me.
The benefits are to help my child.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 22/09/2017 16:07

Removing the benefits would plunge the household where your daughter lives during the week into poverty. That would not help your child.

Original poster
softfocus · 22/09/2017 16:09

Stitch, my ex has a millionaire bf and rich parents and a newly bought house and on her 3 rd car in as many years.She will not be in poverty.

OP posts:
PixieChemist · 22/09/2017 16:14

Low pay is bull when it comes to maintenance soft even my dickhead of an ex had to pay maintenance out of his JSA.

Regardless of whether your ex wants to work or not, you really should acknowledge just how much she does to enable you to work as much as you do.

Backie,nothing would please me more than to have my daughter full time.

Right so why not have her more in the week and do more of the donkey work?

my ex has a millionaire bf and rich parents

But it's not their responsibility to pay for your DD, it's yours and your ex's. There's a reason new partners income isn't taken into account for child maintenance, because it's the responsibility of the parents.

soft I'm a stepparent and DP is a NRP so I really do try and see it from the NRP point of view. But come on, you must see how good you have it?

femfemlicious · 22/09/2017 16:14

I think really you should forget about what your ex has and work on improving your income. Start retraining or whatever you have to do to get more earning power.

PixieChemist · 22/09/2017 16:18

You really do sound bitter about the situation. So what if she owns a house and has a 3rd car. She can spend her / her bf's money on whatever she pleases. But the child benefit and child tax credits are for your DD.

You'd be up in arms if you had a rich gf and your ex was having a bitch about how much money you were spending on yourself and frankly it'd be none of her business, just like it's none of your business now.

stitchglitched · 22/09/2017 16:22

It is irrelevant how much her parents have. And her boyfriend too unless he moves in with her. Just think about what you are suggesting: that your ex who provides all of the childcare for your working week, hands over some of her means tested benefits that she lives on, just because you want them. Move nearer so you can be on hand for school runs, change your job to allow you flexibility and do your share of school runs, sick days etc, and then you might have a moral case although still not a legal one. Until then just be thankful you can work relatively easily without having to worry about childcare instead of trying to prise half of 360 quid from your unemployed ex.

Original poster
softfocus · 22/09/2017 16:23

Pixie,
"Low pay is bull when it comes to maintenance soft even my dickhead of an ex had to pay maintenance out of his JSA."
NO, we have 50/50 care there is no maintenance to pay.

fem, I did retrain and am in a job that i enjoy despite the low pay.

nothing would please me more than to have my daughter full time.

"Right so why not have her more in the week and do more of the donkey work?"
She lives 25 miles away.

my ex has a millionaire bf and rich parents

"But it's not their responsibility to pay for your DD, it's yours and your ex's. There's a reason new partners income isn't taken into account for child maintenance, because it's the responsibility of the parents."
Of course. My point was that my ex receives extra support and money.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 22/09/2017 16:26

If you are too restricted by distance to be able to have any involvement in her school week then you are not the main carer, her mother is. And therefore the one entitled to benefits.

MargotMoon · 22/09/2017 16:27

It sounds to me like you are doing more than 50% of the residency if you have her 190 nights per year. Not sure why you are getting such grief on here, your life consists solely of working and then childcare, if it was the other way round people would be up in arms at the idea of an unemployed SAHD who claimed all the CB/CTC and kept his weekends free to be with his other half.

Perhaps you could start by having a look at entitledto.co.uk and maybe contact an agency like CAB for impartial benefits advice? Gingerbread's website may also be helpful.

stitchglitched · 22/09/2017 16:28

And I really hope there isn't mediation available to try to persuade RPs to share out their benefits. That would be wide open to abuse and potentially leave many vulnerable LPs worse off. Good on your ex for refusing to attend.

Original poster
softfocus · 22/09/2017 16:28

Perhaps,have a look at my original post.
Thanks for all your input.

OP posts:
Original poster
softfocus · 22/09/2017 16:32

MargotMoon
Thanks VERY much for that. Was beginning to think i was going mad and being totally unreasonable.
Yes, my life revolves around my daughter. I have no time for anything other than work and her. Thank you.

OP posts:
Justoneme · 22/09/2017 16:40

Why can't you see if they would half the benefits?

I have shared care with my EXH and I let him claim all the monies and don't ask for a penny.

I find it laughable that greed is a factor when raising a child.

Original poster
softfocus · 22/09/2017 16:43

Hi Justoneme
Thanks for the reply.
I don't even want half ,i just want to be acknowledged for my part in bringing my daughter up with a reasonable amount.

OP posts:
PixieChemist · 22/09/2017 18:49

Hmm margotmoon struck a chord with me here

your life consists solely of working and then childcare

DP used to do this with one of his first ex's. They had a DD (but wasn't biologically his, got with her when she was pregnant, biodad not on the scene) and he had DD every single weekend whilst his ex worked and then he worked full time Monday - Friday. Sounds like a similar set up. It was tough going and it meant he had no downtime whatsoever.

Can I ask if you have her 190 days per year how that is not classed as you being RP? From your OP it sounded like you had her 3/7 and your ex 4/7 which then clearly makes her RP. But it does sound like you have her more.

I really don't think though that there's a legal way to half your benefits. The system really isn't set up for people with 50:50 shared care. What about if you got CB and she got CTC or something? Or would that not be enough or even be possible?

I do think you do just have to suck it up tbh and be thankful you do have the ability to work full time and be able to see your DD so much.

PixieChemist · 22/09/2017 18:50

Btw my point about low income was just that it's irrelevant. Either you have 50:50 and therefore no CM is payable or you don't have 50:50 and then you would pay CM regardless of how low your income is, that was all.

Original poster
softfocus · 22/09/2017 19:23

Thanks pixiechemist
There is no resident parent in our case.i have no objections to not being resident parent due to the time split.
I really appreciate your feedback and the way you have thought a bit more about the situation.
I did feel that I was being attacked by others and was probably a bit defensive.
You have made some valid points.
I guess that's what I am after:just some differing/helpful views.
I have no other support so sometimes I am thinking within my own bubble.

OP posts:
RunningOutOfCharge · 22/09/2017 19:43

Op you sound a fab parent

Some bitter people on this site....ignore them, you stood up well to them and all the stupid questions

Is she claiming benefits for herself? Has/income support? As I’m wondering how she explained to housing benefit what her income is?

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