What can I do to help friend who has just found out about partner's hidden debt?

[user3974465]

Originally posted in chat but no response so hoping better advice here!

Have nc as she may well be on here and don't want to be too identifying by other posts

My lovely friend, who has a baby and a toddler, has just found out that her partner has been hiding a huge (5 figure) gambling debt. She had no inkling until he told her, as he works and she does not. Understandably, this has come out of nowhere and she is incredibly shellshocked. She didn't even know he gambled.

They have separate bank accounts and are unmarried so luckily she isn't legally implicated, but they cannot manage and she has gone from comfortable to using food banks in a week. From what I've been told it isn't 'good' debt either, its overdrafts and short term loans and savings that have been spent. He doesn't have the credit rating to get a consolidating loan and she can't work because she's just given birth.

What can I do? I am not in a position to financially support my friend at all, I would if I could. Besides being an emotional support, is there anything I can recommend practically? Does anyone have any experience of this? I appreciate this is not my problem but she is clearly panicking and it would be good if I could offer constructive help at this point.

Her best option is to separate from him at the moment while he sorts himself out. She should go to her local council, she should be rehomed quite quickly being a mother with young children. Or, if they both own their home and it's financially viable for her she should stay and he should leave so she can access the benefits she needs to raise her family. Although this is a difficult situation she needs to be strong for the children and make some tough decisions. They will either live in misery as he tries to pay of his debts, afraid to answer the phone or door for fear of debt collectors or she can have a clean break from him while he sorts his life out and probably applies for bankruptcy, which will affect them for the next 6 years. It's a crap situation all round but one she can walk away from. If shes already using a food bank they are at breaking point financially and obviously don't have any money.

She needs to get rid of his lying arse. He will never change.

Seperate from him. It's his debt not hers. She won't be getting any financial support from him ill wager. What a total idiot he is.

Does she jointly own the home? If not she should apply for social housing and any benefits she would be entitled to as a lone parent.

If she is joint owner she should go to CAB and sort getting herself out of the mortgage. This would mean either selling or him buying her out.

If she isn't ready to leave him then I think all you can do is be the shoulder she will need to lean on.

First thing he needs to address his gambling issue. If he won't then the situation will arise over and over again.
Second does he own his house? If not and his total debts are less than £15000 he could get a DRO and start over again. If he does he may be able to sort out some payment plan. But he needs to get on and do it. There is help out there which means they won't be relying on food banks and have a reasonable life.

The best help is to assist her on the packing of his stuff. .
From experience it doesn't get any better.

Make sure that she take any of his debt in her name. There was a poster recently who had taken out a loan to pay off some debts for a partner. She was contemplating leaving him but she would be leaving with his debt :(

'that she doesn't take any of his debt' that should say
Poor editing there!

Depends how she feels about him and her financial situation. If they own their house then if she wants to separate they can sell they both get their share (if any) and she can start afresh. If they rent they could give notice and she could find alternative housing would recommend to speak to CAB and local council.
If she wants to save her relationship, why has he told her now ? Has he realised there's a problem and wants help? Then does she want to do this? If so id urge him to speak to one if the free organisations, Step change or national debt line. Have a look on the MSE website and forums regarding debts could be useful. He can sort his gambling problem if he wants to and his relationship if it's what they both want. Perhaps your friend could have some counselling too.