Family finances and responsibilities

[kylie30]

Sooo... This is my situation. Over the last two years my arrangement with husband has been such that he pays £500 into my account, pays for food and car finance / petrol. Mortgage (solely in my name) was coming out of my account, and so did all household related bills - water, energy, Internet etc. Whatever money I have left I put into a savings account in my name. I accumulated £10k this way.

About a year ago our daughter was born. Also my husband got a raise of £22k. Nevertheless our arrangement didn't change. He was still contributing £500 a month + food + car leaving him with no less than £1.5k. In the meantime my mat leave payments were gradually decreasing but I was managing okay so didn't ask for more. In that time he's managed to accumulate £5k savings in his joint account. I'm about to return to work within days.

We've eventually sorted out a shared account (my account became a joint account) and I made my savings account a joint one as well. So he gained access to both my salary and the savings. My idea was simple - both salaries go into one account, expenses come out of both salaries and whatever is left goes into shared savings. I thought we both agreed to this.

Now he says he wants to keep his separate account and have his salary going in there but is happy to transfer 90% of salary to shared account. From the 10% he keeps he'd be paying car finance and petrol and have some money for himself I guess.

He is also saying that he won't be transferring the £5k he accumulated when I was on mat leave to shared savings. As a reason he says that I threatened him to leave in arguments previously, and essentially he wants to have that amount as bit of "security" for him.

He also has an account in USD with an equivalent to about 6k in it that I have no access to that he had before we got together. So it seems to me he'd be hogging onto £11k in total.

He says he is being completely reasonable but I don't feel comfortable with this setup. Is he being fair? I feel like I should take steps to regain independence but with him wanting to contribute 90% salary etc I don't want to financially shoot mused in the foot. What do you ladies think?

Just wanted to add - I included him in my savings account as a token of trust and appreciation - since he took on most expenses for the last two years I was able to put aside a lot of money.

He is not necessarily bad with money but the fact that he has this yours/mine mentality and want to provide himself "security" seems disturbing to me.

Tale your own 10k back?

It ain't good that yous can't agree on finances.

Or have 5k each in a savings account

I don't think its unreasonable that you both have your own savings, but you should create a separate savings account that you put your 10k in to that he cannot access. Then you are starting from (roughly) equal and anything accumulated moving forward is in the shared account.

The only other question is whether he will be saving money in to his own savings from the 10% he doesn't transfer, in which case you should also do the same.

My DP had a totally shared account with her ex. She was the much higher earner, and all of the money in that account (tens of thousands) was from her wages. The day she ended the relationship (before we met, not due to an affair), he emptied the account and she was left with literally nothing.

@Shamoo

He might indeed be making extra savings to his account, also because he gets money occasionally from his parents and gets an annual bonus at the end of year that I'm sure he'd hog onto. Going back to work part time I'd be earning a half of what he gets plus we don't get bonuses in the public sector, so I won't have as much resource to save.

I'm baffled because the idea was for us to save money for a bigger house, but it now seems like we'd have these separate pockets of uncoordinated savings and a division of mine vs yours - which doesn't seem conducive to purchasing a bigger property together.

As to your DP - I'm sure he is a nice guy but the fact he'd unceremoniously cleared the account he shared with his ex would worry me a little. Did he have any reason to do this?

Hi Kylie - I think you misread my post. My DP is a woman, it was her partner who cleared out their entire account the day they broke up, despite none of the money having been contributed by him at all. She has been left with nothing, and has had to start over, and as such I understand both parties in a relationship wanting to keep some to themselves. But that has to be equal and fair.

That said, I totally understand your concerns. I think if he is looking to keep 10k for himself, and you do the same, that's fair. If he wants to keep more to himself (i.e. keep putting more in to his account moving forward when you won't be able to do the same) and not put it into the joined account, this would seem very unfair and unreasonable - and I totally see why you would be concerned.

@Shamoo Oh I'm so sorry I did misread your post. That is a very unfair thing to do of your DP's ex, I would have gone mental if something like that happened to me. Was she ever able to get anything back off him?

I'm not a penny pincher but I'm quite attached to my financial independence. In fact I surprised myself when I felt I was able to trust my DH enough to share all finances with him. Hence it's even more discouraging to be met with resistance on his part.

I try and try to put my points as raised here across to him but he says I'm being mistrustful of him and he'd never spend his savings money in any untoward way. I find this ironic, since he doesn't trust me enough to join even a part of his savings (I don't make any claim to his USD account.)

He now says I could transfer £5k from the savings I made into personal account because he feels the other £5k is his though the contribution he's previously made to household expenses. So he feels we should keep the £5k in joint savings and save from then on.

I'm also feeling anxious because I'm sure in a few years time he'd just look at the shared savings when buying a new property, and not any amounts he has accumulated elsewhere.

I find it a bit hard to put into words, but basically I feel as if all (apart from the £5k) my financial resources are to be shared, and thus my independence thwarted whereas he'd be sitting on these extra pockets of money and contribute what he decides. I also feels that puts a heavier burden of responsibility on me in terms of saving for the new property.

He says he feels that he doesn't have anything since the house is in my name (bought it before our relationship even started) yet he makes contribution to the mortgage and bills. The way I see this, the house is shared. It being in my name is a formality. Many people would be happy that the partner brought extra capital into the relationship, so we both pay money for a mortgage rather than renting. Or am I wrong here?

You are wrong about the house. If you separated you would say it was your house so he should leave so you are benefiting from his contributions to your mortgage. I am assuming that he had to sign a declaration that he won't claim an equitable interest in the house when he moved in? If not then you are in breach of your mortgage conditions by having an adult contributing towards the mortgage without the banks knowledge or consent. You presumably have a chunk of equity in the house that is yours from before your relationship started so it seems fair that he should keep his dollar account money. Going forward you should be absolutely open and both sit down and show what money you have coming in each of you should contribute an even proportion towards all household bills i.e. If he earns 100k and you earn 50k it's 2/3rds 1/3rd you should then put an even proportion into savings for your future and then each have an even amount left for spending or saving each month. Any additional money should be put into the joint savings and you should put £5k of your original savings into a separate savings account in your name to be fair. If/when you sell this house and buy one in joint names you will have to work all of this out again.

To me it looks like you were happy to be independent and have separate finances as long as it was benefiting you, i.e. your mortgage was getting paid by your husband even though his name wasn't on the title deeds and you were able to save money into your account because of his contributions.

You only want to combine your finances now that he has more money than you. I'm not surprised that he's reluctant. I'm also not sure that having always kept things separate, he's the type of person who'd want to change it especially to be worse off.

Perhaps you could renegotiate the monthly amount he contributes. In terms of moving to a bigger house, you could make plans for each of you to save a cerain amount. Presumably, he'll want a share of the property and I wouldn't be surprised if he wants his contributions recognised in proportion.

@JoJoSM2

I initiated merging of the accounts when he was in fact earning less than me, so your inking judgement of me doesn't quite stick. He's taken ages to fill in that paperwork and send his docs through, that's why we are in this position now.

I'm not looking to benefit off him, we got married very recently and I always thought it should be natural for partners to share finances. What kind of a team are we if we start this mine vs yours game. Btw the house is probably half his now since we got married anyway?

*unkind - damn that autocorrect

Sorry, didn't intend to be mean. Perhaps it might work to keep things separate but set some targets i.e. to save a certain amount by X date so that you can move home for example.

You both seem slightly wary of each other and finances - perhaps you just need a very honest conversation.

Now you are married, make everything (including the house & mortgage) joint.

Keep £10K each in personal savings - his US account & £5K, your savings back into your name.

Agree targets for joint saving (from the 90% salary you each contribute) and agree what happens with bonuses in the future.

Agree all your spending priorities together from now on, whilst each retaining 10% of your salaries as personal spending money.

This would annoy me too. You see yourselves as a unit moving forward together. He has an eye on the door.

This seems like a sort of halfway house of having joint finances. I'd prefer to either have everything in joint names, including his savings and your house, or keep it all separate.