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Original poster

Do I charge my partner rent when he only lives with me part time?

28 replies

HK171 · 30/08/2017 21:41

My partner and I have been together just under a year and he's been living with me on a regular Sunday - Thursday night basis since June. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and when he has her each weekend he stays at his mum's house (we're taking it slow and cautious when it comes to her staying at my house with her dad).
I'm starting to consider asking him for money towards living costs. I work full time but am at the start of my career so I don't earn megabucks. He's 11 years older than me and a PhD student, so earns a wage, probably comparable to mine (maybe a bit less). He pays his mum £150 per month for use of the two bedrooms and gives me £15 per week for food, as I do all the food shopping and cooking.
I feel really torn about the whole situation because I'm not really able to save at the moment because I've just bought my own place but he's planning on saving the money he's now not spending on rent (he used to live alone in a flat til he moved out in June) in case he goes over on his PhD. I obviously sympathise with this. He'll finish his PhD in October 2018 but might well not finish on time as he really doesn't seem to be pulling in the hours. It's so nice of his mum to charge him so little but the reality of the situation is that he's living 5/7 of the week with me and I'm in no way financially comfortable.
Thanks for any advice!

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 30/08/2017 23:03

If you don't feel comfortable asking him for "rent" then how about a contribution towards the bills and shopping? £15 doesn't seem like it would cover good for a grown man for 5 days a week!

£50 a week seems fair?

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2017 23:05

He's paying his mum a lot more than he's paying you!

£15 for several days' worth of food and bills is really ridiculous. That would be one bag of shopping.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2017 23:06

Do you both feel that you're in it for the long term?

Original poster

HK171 · 31/08/2017 00:43

This is it: I'm not sure if this is a long haul relationship or not. We broke up for a month already and are giving it another go now. I'm trying not to think too much about mid- to long-term future as that makes me anxious.

OP posts:

coriliavijvaad · 31/08/2017 06:23

£15 is completely unrealistic for food for 5 days unless you are living an exceptionally basic lifestyle.
Why isn't he contributing time and effort to cooking and chores?
He is also benefiting from all the heating water TV licence council tax services etc that you pay for so should be paying 5 twelfths of all bills (as he is there 5 nights a week and you 7)
Sounds like a cocklodger to me. He needs to pull his weight and contribute much much more both financially and in terms of effort, or you need him out of your life.

If there was some reason he needed to maintain his own separate household and all his income went on that, then maybe it would be OK not to contribute fully - so long as there was a plan that this would only be temporary. In your situation this cocklodger is freeloading off you and his mum and keeping the vast majority of his income for leisure and fun. PhD students (assuming it's a funded place) get a reasonable stipend, enough to live on, he doesn't need this charity from you and is taking you for a mug.

Samsara123 · 31/08/2017 06:34

I agree, he's taking the piss, who decided on the £15 figure? £50 at least I'd say, that's still a good deal though, I bet you easily spend that for him on food alone. So he must never do the food shopping then.

FinallyHere · 31/08/2017 06:52

I do all the food shopping and cooking

Why ? What chores is he doing in return? I'd focus on getting the chores more evenly divided and see how he reacts ? If he steps up to the plate, good on him.

bimbobaggins · 01/09/2017 20:39

So sun -thurs = £3 per day he's paying you. I can't believe he's got the cheek to hand that to you.
Why does a grown working man not have his own place? Freeloader springs to mind.
Out of curiosity what did you split up for?

Samsara123 · 01/09/2017 21:32

I know, he could have at least rounded it up to £20, not that that is any good either. Hopefully OP has given him the boot!

bimbobaggins · 02/09/2017 06:55

I know samsara, it would actually be less of an insult if he gave her nothing than that paltry amount. . That's what I paid in dig money when I first started working 28 years ago and only earned £40 per week

Love your user name , that used to be my favourite perfume many moons ago! Is that your inspiration?

troodiedoo · 02/09/2017 07:01

I'm getting bad vibes about this man. Possible c word?

sprockercrazy · 02/09/2017 09:41

He is taking the piss. £15 for 5 days food and utilities! No wonder he can afford to save his money. He's giving me bad vibes too

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2017 09:44

£15 quid?? He must know you are subsidising him and he is living off you. Sit down and have a discussion together on how to split costs more equally. Whys he paying his mum so much then living off of you?

Samsara123 · 02/09/2017 17:32

bimbobaggins I'd forgot about Samsara perfume until you mentioned it. . Although I took the word from the eternal cycle of birth, suffering, death, and rebirth.
You were doing better than me with your first wage, I think I was on around £25 a week YTS money

bimbobaggins · 03/09/2017 07:49

samsara, shame on me I didn't even know it meant anything else, just had to google it
Ah the good old yts. Looking back I remember funding 2 nights out, clothes, dig money etc all on my £ 40 pw.

moomin4071 · 03/09/2017 07:55

The man's taking the piss. Tell him to move in with his mum. I'd seriously be giving him a wide berth

Samsara123 · 03/09/2017 08:05

Ah, there wasn't so much crap to spent the money on either.
I thought I was rich when I got my first "wage", went to Boots and bought a load of toiletries , that was my toiletries phase, before that it was stationary

ComputerUserNotTrained · 03/09/2017 08:27

He's taking the piss out of you, and probably also of his mum.

I wonder how much maintenance his ex receives from him. I'm guessing very little.

mummytwoh · 03/09/2017 15:19

So his contribution is £3 per day and for that he also gets his meals cooked 🙈 I paid more to stay in a youth hostel in Asia lol

I think it's completely insulting to be honest. You don't need to financially support someone you are not even in a seriously relationship with while he finishes his PHD.
You are not a student loans company!
At the moment you are not building a future with this man, so you don't need to financially support him leaving yourself short while he builds his future potentially without you.

I would say that it's best if he does a few more nights at his mums as you can't afford the extra money on the food shop. See if he offers to contribute more of not I think you know it's time for him to go and stop freeloading xx

Welldoneme · 03/09/2017 17:11

He is taking the piss.

bimbobaggins · 03/09/2017 20:38

Wow samsara, I'm still in the stationery phase

Samsara123 · 03/09/2017 21:09

JoJoSM2 · 04/09/2017 21:13

I wouldn't be happy with the set up either. He pretty much lives with you bar a couple of nights a week...

When he gave up his flat and moved in with you, did you not discuss him contributing? (I'm not even going to call the £15 contributing).

Whinesalot · 04/09/2017 21:19

So £60 per month to you and £150 to his mum makes his living costs including bills and food a grand total of £210. He's got it good hasn't he!
If your relationship is rocky, I think part of the incentive in trying to make it work is the financial bit. Up his contribution and that relationship won't seem half as worth working on for him.

InDubiousBattle · 04/09/2017 21:25

Is he doing a science PhD? If so he'll probably be on £20k+ so taking home over £1500 a month, if he gives his mum £150/ month and you £60/month and presumably paying child support he should surely be more left pay his way. At the very least he should be covering costs, so food and increased council tax as you lose single occupancy.

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