What would be fair? Long, sorry...

[newusernamefornow]

I'd appreciate input on what would be a fair financial arrangement in this scenario (sorry if this type of thread has been done to death).

Person 1 and 2 live with Person 1's child from a previous relationship.

Person 1 - takes home £2k pcm including maintenance from NRP. Has personal bills of approx £1k pcm - childcare bill, car to run etc. Does not receive child benefit as Person 2's salary is above threshold.

Person 2 - takes home £3k pcm. Has very low personal expenses - e.g. Company car with fuel card, so no car expenses.

Household bills are £1500 including food.

I know some people pay into a joint bills account proportionately to allow for income discrepancy. However, for example, 40% of salary into bills account each would leave Person 1 with £200, and Person 2 with £1800 to themselves each month.

Is this fair? Equally, it's not Person 2's fault that Person 1 has a childcare bill to pay and has to run a car.

Any suggestions on what would be fair here?

I assume just pooling your money is completely out of the question then?

Either 50% of the bills or 40% of salary is pretty much the same amount for person 1. I assume that person 1 would prefer a percentage split of the bills based on salary so they get more left each month - they pay 40% of the bills (£600) and person 2 pays 60% of the bills (£900). Heaven knows how you would sort out holidays.

Person 1 has outgoings equivalent to half their monthly income (including maintenance) so unless the childcare or car reduces in cost they are always going to be left with less.

I think you are person 1.

Thanks. Yes, I'm Person 1. We haven't had this issue before as we used to earn broadly the same so split everything 50/50. It's just much harder to work out what's fair on both parties now.

You do seem to feel it is unfair, that does come across strongly! I am surprised to see that you used to pay 50% happily but now (presumably because person 2 has had a rise and a company car) that it is unfair now.

Is there a reason that you don't just pool the money?

Put everything into one pot and play for everything out of that pot. Everything you each earn is to the benefit of the family unit IMO, and not "his" or "hers".

Unless you want a situation, say, where one of you is wearing Primark and the other Armani.

You can claim child benefit , your dp will pay it back as tax.

It's not that DP has had a rise, I'm now earning less than when we used to split 50/50.

I do think it's a bit off for one person in a couple to have £1500 disposable and the other to only have £200. Armani v Primark indeed.

But then again, my personal bills are not his "fault", and so I go back round in circles again!

Pool all bills including car and childcare costs, then split proportionally to income?

Personally I can never understand how people can be 'partners' without sharing all the money. If you love someone enough to live with them - and take on a parenting role to their child - then everything should be shared. Money/chores/etc.

Why don't you just have a joint bank account that both salaries go into and both of you have equal access to?

DH and I have had times when I didn't work (and I have DCs from previous marriage). DH's salary kept all of us. He is now not working and I work full time. Money belongs to both of us, no matter who earned it.

Put all the money together in a joint account,leave money for bills, then each take half so 1750. You'd still have a lot less money,but more than you do now.
Or add childcare (and maybe car) to the bills and split it like that.

Did you choose to work less/ change career path resulting in income reduction? Do you have to have a car or is it by choice?

How long have you and DP been living together? Is maintenance covering childcare costs?

I would add the childcare costs etc to the bills and they split them equally or by % of earnings . The partner may not be parent of child but they are living together so need to share costs .

Hopefully not too much of a drip feed, but DP has been paying all household bills himself for the last 5 months, while I've been self employed. My earnings were too low and unsustainable, hence I'm going back to work. I couldn't find a local job at my previous, equal, salary, thus the pay cut compared to when we used to 50/50 the bills.

The extra costs incurred of me going back to external work are: £350 childcare, £220 dog sitter, £100 cleaner - the last 2 of these will come from the joint account.

NRP maintenance covers 50% of childcare per month. He pays less than CMS recommended amount, and I still have to send DC with money for his dinner sometimes towards the end of the month. It doesn't seem fair for DP to subsidise my child's childcare etc when DS's own father doesn't contribute properly.

Our attitudes to spending are quite different so I'm not sure pooling would work for us. He likes to splurge, doesn't budget, and just buys what he wants when he wants. He is very generous towards others, but also a bit flippant about money, e.g. Has paid for 3 years for a gym membership he hasn't used once. That would drive me mad if I saw it as coming out of shared money.

Going back to your original post you said your personal outgoings were £1k then mentioned childcare (£350) and car. What else do you have? I think you need to be getting more from your sons father in the first instance.

I also think if you want to keep your finances separate that's fine, but in my view you can't expect him to pay your outgoings. If you took the decision that you're a family unit, committed financially as well as emotionally and pooled money then maybe, but you can't have it both ways.

Not quite the same situation but DH and I split things proportionately. I earn 3 times what he does so I contribute 3 times more than him to the household bills. I have a lot more left over because of what I earn, he has suggested that he had access to my disposable income in the past but as he has spending issues it's in neither of our interests to allow this to happen. The Mumsnet view re. 'family money' would destroy our family finances.

In your situation you earn £5k between you, your household bills are £1.5k (at a guess). Therefore he should pay £900 and you should pay £600. It's more complicated than that as some think individual debt should be treated as such, and the childcare bill may complicate things as it's for your child, however if he's committed to a future with you and your child, perhaps he should contribute to childcare costs too. If you're not happy, speak to him. And no, he's not being 'financially abusive' as mumsnet will cry, just inconsiderate

Forget your personals - they are yours and childcare comes into that. But for joint you should pay proportionally to earnings I.e. Person 2 60%, person 1 40%. DH and I pay proportionally into a joint account which we use for household expenses. Would hate to pool all money because all treat spends would need to be discussed.

My personal monthly bills are:

Childcare - £350
Car - £285
Car insurance - £50
Debt repayment (credit card and overdraft)- £150
Tuition for my son - £100-£125
Son's hobby fees - £40
Mobile phone - £20
Course fees for me - £60

That doesn't factor in clothes, shoes, hobby kit, school trips, fuel etc.

I think I'll suggest a 60/40 split of all household bills, then each keep our own remaining money. Then when my bloody car payment and debt has gone, which are my "fault" anyway, it'll be a bit more even in terms of what we have left each per month.

Thanks all.

my personal bills are not his "fault"

No, but when you enter into a ltr with someone, you take them on warts and all.

Pool all your money - you're not earning for yourselves any more, but for the family unit/household.

DH and I don't even have a personal allowance. We spend what we need, though I would check with him, or he with me, before spending a big amount. That amount varies according to our circumstances at any given time, and is probably higher now than it was at the beginning of our marriage.