Will / step-cousin

[ShameChange533]

My dad remarried and has been with my stepmum for over 25yrs, she doesn't have children but is close to one of her nieces.

Her and my dad have 'mirror wills' and the inheritance is to be split between me, my sibling and the niece.

Now I know ultimately they can put whatever they like in their wills - their money, their choice.

Fwiw my dads financial contribution over the years has been greater than my step mum's. But they feel it's fairer to split things 50-50.

I can't help feeling resentful about having the niece involved. Its not about the money or the amount as such, just that I don't feel like my sibling and I should have to share/discuss things with someone outside of the two of us. I feel like my sibling and I should be the ones to decide what happens with their estate but we'd obviously need to consult with the niece. Moreover, I think it's actually set up that if my dad goes first the niece is the exector when stepmum then goes. I am the executor is stepmum goes first. My dad is having some health issues at the mo and it's becoming apparent that he is way more likely to go first.

The niece has two parents of her own, I don't really know her and I just feel odd about someone who I barely know being involved when my dad dies. Of course I've met her over the years, but I feel like she's stepped up her contact since she knows she's in the will and we've never particularly clicked. We get on ok but I don't know her very well at all.

I feel like this split, giving the niece equal rights as me and my sibling, just isn't quite fair or right. But then of course I know it's their choice.

I have a feeling the topic will come up in the coming months and I don't know whether to air my concerns/feelings with my dad. I think it would just cause problems tbh but the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. And as I say, it's not really about the money/amount. Just that it feels unnecessary for her to be involved.

Wow. Your DF isn't even dead yet!
He has been married to your DSM for over 25 years and it's "their" money, so she can leave her half to whoever she likes.
You're lucky he doesn't just leave the whole lot to her (if he goes first) rather than this mirror will system.

I know mumsnet loves this word but you sound "entitled" as fuck, and "granny"!

Granny??? Grabby!

I thought I'd get flamed. I get how this sounds.

I guess it's just that I don't fully trust the niece I guess. And I feel uncomfortable involving her in decisions that could be quite private. It's difficult to feel that she is as entitled to be involved in any decisions as my sibling or me.

There's always been a big thing about how my sibling and I feel like children to my stepmum but then this set-up seems to go against this.

And if my dad does go soon my stepmum will move from their home (3 hours away) to be closer to her niece. Then I feel like my sibling and I will be pushed out a bit whilst the niece and stepmum do their thing and what my dad hopes he'd be able to do for us won't happen under the nieces influence.

My dad has always maintained he wants to "see us right" and dotes on my stepmum and she herself is fine and I don't think would ever do anything against my sibling or me, but the niece I'm just not so sure about. And of course we would want to make sure our stepmum is looked after and secure etc, I don't deny her that, but I have seen the niece manipulate my stepmum in the past.

It's complicated.

Honestly lottie can you imagine having to deal with someone you don't know/trust who has equal claim/right to you over something so delicate and personal?

You may not know the niece but your step mother does. It's HER money (as it is your dads) and HER choice.

You really need to snap out of the mind set of being entitled to your dads money.

But surely it is a 66/33 split with 2/3 going to your DF family and 1/3 to her family. The only thing that would concern me is if he dies first then she inherited and changed her will/ required money for care and you got nothing. I would be happier if on his death his share went into a trust with her having a lifetime interest but the money would be ringfenced. Yes she might have parents but unless you know them well they might have different financial commitments and why should none of your step mother's money (some of which she might have inherited) go to you and your sibling? Presumably you have a mother so might inherit from there too? In terms of executors it is a tricky process so don't think you will miss the paperwork.

Sorry I meant why should none of her money go to her blood relatives?

The only thing that would concern me is if he dies first then she inherited and changed her will

I think this is what I'm concerned about. The likelihood is small but I can't say I fully trust the niece. My stepmum chose some things for herself from my grandmothers belongings when she died which meant a lot to me and I've always been sad that she "intervened". She only knew her for a few years when she died. And again, not that she should have nothing but every now and then I feel a little superseded and overpowered by stepmums family. Silly I know as a grown woman in my 40s.

And yes it is unreasonable to expect that no money goes to her blood family. And I don't expect that. It's a fair split, I get that. But would prefer the ring-fence you mention as I feel that would clearly define things as there's something about the niece I just don't trust. And in all honesty, I think my stepmum may go into protection mode (again this is reasonable, expected but with the nieces influence it makes me uneasy) given she has no children of her own and I know she feels that "blood is thicker than water".

How that ring-fence would work in practice, I've no idea (ie selling their house etc).

As I say it's not about the amounts. It's about having to deal with the niece and somehow be connected with her over all this. And that there'll be complications at a time when really I won't need it.

Re the paperwork, I'm an admin nerd. It's what I do! My dad said I was the natural choice but then stepmum felt she should nominate someone too. The niece and my stepmum are both very naive when it comes to finances and The Way Things Work, so the two of them making decisions together which will affect my sibling and me just doesn't feel promising

What advice are you looking for exactly? You already know it's their money and their right to put in their wills what they want. Speak to your dad or don't, only you can guess how he will take it. Personally, if one of my children took issue with the intent of my will or more importantly the status of their step-mother and her family (we've been together over 20 years) they'd be given a rather blunt response.

I don't know really. Just venting I guess. My feelings may not be reasonable but they still exist.

My fathers health has taken a bad turn recently. Stepmum told niece before she told me and my sibling. So I guess I'm feeling a bit ousted.

The extended step-family have never been bothered about my sibling and I. So I guess the feeling has been mutual.

As I say, in theory it's a fair split and I don't begrudge that but I would like to be able to deal with my dad's side of things without having to involve someone I don't trust. And this set up makes it impossible.

Yanbu
Id feel the same. Why is your dad leaving some of his share of the estate to her niece? it should all go to you and hers to her neice. However sounds like the set up they have Willie more financial advantageous to you as you get a third of both parties share rather than half if one parties share

Why is your dad leaving some of his share of the estate to her niece?

I guess this is part of it too. I know that their finances have not been 50/50 over the years. I would say 85/15 and my dad is quite shrewd, my stepmum is clueless so I have visions of everything unraveling because stepmum will look to niece for support and guidance over me or my sibling and dad's efforts will be st their mercy!!

I think YABU. Its not your money and you are talking as though it is and that you appear to believe you are entitled to it. His wife is entitled to that money if you are correct. She may live another 20 odd years and spend every penny and thats her right.

Honestly, you need to forget about it and move on. If you gain then thats great if you dont it doesn't matter it wasn't yours in the first place. Maybe try and keep on their good side so that you may be able to receive some keepsakes.

Well the only thing you could do is have an interest in possession trust drawn up to protect your share when your dad goes. It's very common in step families because, frankly mirror wills are worth jack shit once the first person dies.

Whether you can tell your dad this, well that's another matter.

I would say however the 1/3 spilt is better than most I see. You'd get half of your dads half. Your step mum has actually been quite generous, it might be a good sign. Perhaps suggest your dads half goes towards his family and the niece gets half.

Buy the way 85/15 contribution is utter bollocks though. 50/50 is what ever court in the land recognises for now

buy? by!

Ok thanks, that's interesting/useful. The mirror will thing standing the test of time is a bit of a concern. And yes, aware that 1/3 is more generous than it could've been.

Re the 85/15 I didn't think that was what she should get but more just to point out that the overall financial contribution over the years had not been equal.

YABVU it's not your money at all until they pass away. If they leave you with nothing then that's life. Very very grabby to expect anything at all

Re the 85/15 I didn't think that was what she should get but more just to point out that the overall financial contribution over the years had not been equal.

Yes but if it was your birth mother, you wouldn't be making the point. You need to shake that off (I'm being brutal, but it'll eat you up).

Mirror wills require trust. Older couples with shared children will make them. Your SM has no need to maintain the will when your dad dies and Life will look very different 20 years later.

On people calling you grabby. Yeah right. I've not seen anyone as relaxed about such matters in real life. I have had MANY first family kids cut out of wills. Depending what happened to their mother often impacts how they react, but if you had a large inheritance whipped away, fuck off would you just shrug and move on.

No but if she was my birth mother the niece wouldn't be involved either and she wouldn't have come into my dads life later. But I get the sentiment and take your point.

And I appreciate the part about grabbiness too, thank you and love your no messing posting style too

I'd certainly be concerned about what happened if she outlives your father then changes her will to leave it all to her niece, I've heard of that happening a few times...

MN is always very 'you have zero rights to expect even £5' but I totally see why you feel like this. Your dad should put yours and your sibling's share in trust or ring fence it.

My father died two years ago, leaving my stepmother in control of the will. While we have been told that the intention is that the estate splits 50/50 with half going to Dsis and I and the other half to stepmother's two DSs, Dsis and I don't believe for one minute that this is what will actually happen. We suspect that when it comes to it, the lot will be going to her sons.

This is especially galling because she brought literally nothing into the marriage other than the clothes she stood up in and a decrepit dog and contributed nothing since, but there's not much we can do about it and we don't intend to engage. My mother is furious, because to some extent our father was able to build on a solid platform that he acquired when he married her and took out of their marriage when they divorced. He put stepmother and the booze before us for more than 30 years, so whatever his stated intentions, he took no action to protect our interest. On that basis, we will suck it up, as you will have to do OP I'm afraid.

Trusting the niece has nothing to do with anything. Your real question is whether you trust the step mother to stick with the plan of the father does first.

The more I think about it the more I think my dad may have done this anyway (the trust thing) as he's very clued up about things and I'm sure would've done this to protect against care home costs too.

Sadly I think it may be something he'll want to talk to us about soon

I'm so sorry that your dad is unwell. I think that you should perhaps accept his wishes rather than raising your concerns with him, for his sake. Nothing you've said implies that his widow would cheat you.

You don't really need to discuss "private things" with the niece, you just need to get the Will executed as per the deceased's wishes. The fact that you don't know the niece isn't relevant.

I hope your dad is around for a good while yet.