Joint account

[Bmarie]

Hi

I am due my 1st baby in July, which was planned, however now I'm getting to the point of finishing work I am starting to stress about money.

My bf owns the house we live in which we are currently renovating, my parents have put in a lot of time and work to help with the house and have pretty much done everything. I am very career minded so the fact I don't have any share in the house scares me as I would have liked to own my own home.

Obviously my pay will decrease significantly when I go on maternity leave, we don't currently have a joint account so everything is separate, I have suggested joint accounts but the answer is always no.. I am currently also spending quite a lot of my wages on things for the house to make sure it is ready for the baby's arrival, however I don't want to be in a situation of having to ask for money to do things whilst on mat leave.

Am I being unreasonable in asking for a joint account? / asking that I have some control over finances?? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how have you gone about having significantly lower income without joint accounts ?

What his reason for saying no?

He makes a joke of "I'm not letting you near my money you'll be going shopping every day"

But when ever I say anything about things being separate he says "we're a team" and what's mine is your etc etc but if that's the case why is there not a trust to have a joint account etc ?

I think my issue is that everything is separate but I'm investing so much of my side into a house etc which I don't own, he does

Could you have a separate new joint account to pay bills money into and keep the sole accounts for personal spending money?

I would be happy to do that for when working etc but I don't know if it's something he will agree to I have mentioned joint accounts in general quite a few times and it's always just made a joke of etc

Actions, not words are what is important.

You should of course have a joint account and you should be sharing outgoings proportionally especially now you are about to go on maternity leave.

Why are your parents renovating his house? Do you own part of it?

I won't lie - the whole situation sounds very unsatisfactory. I wouldn't have moved in with someone who wouldn't split finances and I certainly would've have a baby with them.

I know that's no help now but this needs a serious and stern conversation - a proper one.

I am quite thrifty and DH more of a spender and so I always disliked the idea of a joint account.

However in the end we got a joint account which we both contribute to equally and use for joint expenses, and keep our individual accounts for our own expenses.

It's actually been so much better, because it removes the arguments over "well I spent so much on X last week, so you should pay for Y", or "can you send me the money to cover Z?". If it's a joint expense, joint account is used and we both know we've contributed equally.

They are helping so much because my dad is really handy with things and because we have a baby on the way to help us etc.

That's how I feel at the moment that I'm thinking well I've paid for xyz so why should I pay for this and that, especially when the house isn't any part mine and I have no legal share in anything as we are also not married

Thanks for the advice everyone! X

How do you manage household expenses? If he says "you'll be shopping all day spending my money" say "yes, I will be spending your money on things for your baby and your house. I have already spent my own money on my share of these things."

XDH was like this and it's a very bad sign, imo.

We tend to take turns in food shoppings etc and the mortgage bills etc he pays, I pay some of the bills which come through but again not something I'm willing to do (contribute to a mortgage which isn't mine)..

We aren't married either so if he decided he had had enough I'd have nothing literally, I'm not asking that I have half of everything etc it's just some form of commitment from that side, as currently I feel that if I'm spending money on a house I don't own what happens if he does decide he doesn't want the relationship?

Whenever I explain this though he says "do you really think I'm the kind of person to leave you and our baby with nothing etc" and also that we won't break up etc etc but it's still not actual security for me? Just taking someone's word

You are in a very vulnerable position and he holds all the cards. I would say get married, but that is unlikely as there is no benefit to him. What's his is his.

Why on earth did you not sort this out before you got pregnant? I know it's easy to say but I despair at the number of seemingly intelligent women who think things will magically work out without any sort of proper conversation.

If he's not willing to give you money to pay for anything I'd be leaving him shopping lists. So

'Darling we're out of nappies please buy some. I can't as you know as I have no income.'
'Darling baby has outgrown his clothes. Please buy 10 3-6 month outfits. I can't as I have no income.'
'Darling please buy read milk and potatoes. I can't....'

But no this doesn't bode well sorry.

I know this thread isn't about marriage but have you discussed marriage at all? Never mind how you manage financially while you're on maternity leave if he doesn't seem keen to support you and baby financially, you're in a very vulnerable position if, in the worst case scenario, you were to split up.

Op, I agree you're in a very dodgy situation. At the very least your name should be on that mortgage if you are having a baby together, in the absence of a wedding ring!

Is he kind? Thoughtful? Caring? Generous? I'm struggling to see how you benefit from this relationship.

This is easy for me to say as I have nearby family but I would move out until this was sorted. He's not treating you like a partner.

My DH suggested the joint account before we'd even moved in, shares his bonuses with me, and now I'm part-time it was HIS suggestion we move to equal spending money. He's never once accused me of 'spending his money' even if I get something he's not convinced about. Lots of men are like my husband. You cannot go through maternity leave like this - it will break you.

Longer term your solution is to have a joint bank account.

Short term, he needs to transfer £x per month to cover the shortfall from your maternity pay and for baby expenses such as nappies, clothes, formula (not everyone can breastfeed), food, petrol for car/train/ bus fares to see family & friends.

Have a go at doing a budget. Look up prices on Tesco.com for nappies (in the early days they will need about 8 nappies a day)/ formula etc. This way at least you can give him evidence of how much things cost.

Once the baby is born, claim child benefit and have that put into your account which is £89.70 per month. I'm assuming he is normally the higher earner and if he earns over £50k he would need to pay back some or all of this child benefit in his self assessment tax form. If he earns a lot less than this you may be able to get working tax credits.

You say you are career minded. Do you know the childcare you will be having? If it is professional childcare, he will need to pay HALF of this, since you have separate finances. Get the details of local childcare providers to see how much these cost. Again you may be able to get some help with working tax credits for childcare or get childcare vouchers from your/his employer and there is the new tax free childcare option that has just launched.

Don't let him fob you off that he doesn't need to give you money for HIS child. There are so many women that come on here where their DP thinks that a child is the mother's latest hobby/plaything and just leave them to it, without any consideration for the child's costs or care.

Thank you so much for your advice everyone