Lesbian separated parents benefit issues.

[crow1916]

Okay, so my ex and I had a baby together, I'm the biological mum and my ex adopted our daughter at six weeks old. We planned her together and have always agreed we are both her parents.
When we split up,four years ago, I was working full time and my ex partner was working part time. The split wasn't very amicable and my ex said it made more sense for our daughter to spend 70% of the time with her. This was because I had had to move out of the town with lived in to a town 7 miles away from where my daughter goes to school and I also had to get to work in the mornings. Reluctantly I agreed to this and my ex partner claimed child benefit and working tax credit as a single parent. I also paid child maintenance. But after about a year of this I finally got the courage ( and kissed my daughter so much ) that I argued we should share custody 50-50. My ex partner still claimed benefits and tax credits but I now didn't pay maintenance as we shared custody equally.

Now I have had to finish work due to illness. I am looking into how I can afford to keep my house. Before I apply for child benefit and open a world of pain and bitterness with my ex I thought I'd try and find out where I stand legally. I can't find anything helpful. Everything seems to speak about fathers and mothers, how does this apply to an adopted mother and a biological mother?
Does anyone know anything about how parent with care status is allocated in this situation?

I've briefly spoken to my ex about the situation she's a bit of a bully and a control freak and I can't imagine that this is going to end well. Would just like some help before I open this can of worms!

Crow your ex sounds abusive. You were not "allowed" to take your own daughter out until she was 4yo? Being an "emotional bully" is still abuse, it doesn't have to be physical. How does she talk to your daughter about you when she has her?

You say you "know she will use your daughter to control you" and you are still happy to leave her in her care?!

If she was a man most people on this thread would tell you to take your daughter and run. Not sure why it's different because she's a woman.

I dont think he should have to pay anything and I think the benefits should be split so they each have the same amount of money for the children. But it will never happen. What single non working parent is going to hand over money from their pot when its already the minimum amount the government says is liveable on.

No there is no provision if parents share 50:50 unfortunately. Yes it is very unfair if the parents can't sort it out between themselves.
If there were two children involved you could possibly claim for one each.
Often it is the case that one parent earns over the threshold anyway so wouldn't be able to claim anyway.
You need to claim ESA .If your illness is likely to be long term and you are having issues with caring for yourself or mobility you can look at the criteria for claiming PIP which is a non means tested benefit.
If you rent then claim housing benefit.
Hope things improve for you soon.

Thanks bsbyroot, it was applying for esa that alerted me to the issue.
Yes, Lugeeta, she was abusive, it's taken me a long time to see it. When I finally did take my daughter out on our own I was interrogated afterwards about what she'd done and eaten and then told I was wrong.
She is careful about what she says about me but my daughter knows she 'tells me off'. I feel like I should be sticking up for myself but I don't know how to deal with her without getting daughter involved more. We moved to a new county when my daughter was nearly three and I'm very isolated here as I've been excluded from the people I knew when we were together.

Welfare Rights worker here.
Actually you can share benefits. The Child Benefit claimant can be a different person to the Child Tax Credit claimant. Although it's worth bearing in mind that Child Benefit passports to Income Support as a single parent whereas Child Tax Credit does not.
In more amicable situations I have known for e.g the mother claim Income Support and Child Benefit and the father claim Employment and Support Allowance and Child Tax Credit.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend that OP make a rival claim without her ex's blessing however. The outcome is likely to be a protracted benefit suspension for both parties while the DWP/HMRC try to decide between competing claims. Not in the kids best interest!
OP: I'm sorry you had such a tough time in an abusive relationship. I hope things get better for you

Unlimited, thank you!! That's really good to know and will be good support for me when I finally have to brave it out with her.
The response on here has made me feel more confident about what the nature of the relationship was/is. I still feel conditioned to think I'm just rubbish at being a mum because all I get is constant criticism, constant contact when it's 'my' time and undermining.

crow I know it seems unfair that you had to leave and now you'll have to put forward a stronger case to get full time or majority residence of your child but the law looks at what's in the child's best interest not that of the parent. They generally consider that uprooting a child from their established home and parental consistency (or the parent who stayed with the child) to place in a new home with the non resident parent it would be unfair on the child. If you had taken the child with you the situation would be In reverse and your ex would be the one struggling for more time. You'd have to present a strong case to say that the child is better off than you. Having an abusive ex may not be enough if the child remains unaffected and unaware of the abuse - this is a very complex area. This is purely how the law thinks about residency in straightforward cases such as yours and not money. The money issue can be resolved once residency is resolved. You may want to see a solicitor if you're wanting additional time with your child and start making the situation formal in the court then if you get more than 50% you'd be eligible for additional financial support.

Teabag, thanks for the advice. If I'd known then what I know now I would have done things very differently. But I was beaten down. I understand that the law doesn't look at emotional influences like this though.
This thread is making me realise that there's more to sort out than benefits.

Like fuck would I let her have the child most of the time. No way. You need to fight for this, OP!

She is your birth daughters go get her Ffs

They are both equal parents, suggesting otherwise is offensive to adoptive parents.