For those of you who have battled with their partner over money

[Jemimapiddleduck]

How did you overcome it?

I am no saint - I frequently spend small amounts of lunches etc that I dont need

DP spends far too much on beer and cigarettes each month.

We have a 12k loan on a car and a 4.5k loan on a car, we owe 2k to his father, and 1.5k on a credit card

He frequently asks his parents for money, and transfers money from the childrens savings account. Mainly because he/we cant stick to a budget.

ANYTIME I try to discuss setting a firm budget its met with excuses etc, he is now on champix for his smoking which is a start but the drinking is something we actually cant afford.

I want to sell the car that is against the 4.5k loan as it is a very high interest rate, he seems to think we wont get much for it - I dont care, its the cost of maintaining it etc and it is a gas guzzler.

Basically how do I approach this with him? Can I do something like set a budget and give him a seperate account with his weekly "spending" money?

He comes from a very very wealthy family and his father is of the mindset that you dont get a hand out. Which is all very well, but now that he is in the real world he is struggling to realise that you cant actually have the things you want. His expectations of poor are very very different to mine (grew up with no food in the house at times etc)

Help basically?

Hi op. I couldn't do it. The dickhead ran up debts as he'd come from a similar background to your DHs. All the budgeting in the world didn't stop him.

It wasn't the money that killed it, it was the lack of respect. I'd be furiously eBaying stuff and he'd be treating himself to crap. that was the nail in the coffin. We were not on the same page. It was like having an extra child. Bloody unattractive.

He's still shit.

Hmmm - was that your only issue in the relationship?

I feel like it's just so bloody hard to talk about money with him at all.

I don't know how to go about broaching the subject I'm thinking of writing a budget getting him to sit down with me.

But every time this happens there is a bloody argument. He is always like "oh but we don't actually know xyz etc"

Like I said I'm no saint but fuck why can't we just sit down together and work this out without stress?

I think you need to do an account of spending over 6 months vs your income. It's difficult to set a budget when you think 'but I earn x amount so I should be able to treat myself'. Until he sees that actually you consistently overspend as a family, he won't get why you want to budget

My ex was terrible with money. I set a budget, I was careful - but still he spent. He just couldn't budget and I couldn't take it anymore - hence he's an ex! His background was more comfortable than mine and he knew he could go to his parents to bail him out it worst came to worst. I have no one, so I was always more scared of debt than him.

I see a trend of entitled adults here.

I can't ask my parents for money at all - they have none in fact we earn more than my father (he used to b v.wealthy but blew it)

Ok so going over bank statements etc?

I think you need to be frank and honest with him. Work out a budget income v outgoings. Tell him what's left and ifollows "we" keep spending like this will be in shit street or worse separated. Tell him it's stressful for you and your worried.
The truth hurts but heads in sand doesn't work.

*if we keep spending not follows. ☺

Had two relationships like that. I couldn't do it in either and it was the only reason the first one ended, and one of the reasons the second one ended.
It won't get any better.

Well there were other issues but tbh it was just a highlighted a pattern of disrespect.

Well I couldn't resolve it in my household. So we agreed the following and decided to go halves on our domestic bills. We calculated all the living costs bills mortgage credit card loans etc. Everything we needed to live on including food. Let's say its £3000 a month. We split half exactly and we each pay £1500. Anything else we want, we fund ourselves. My dh fritters all of his on beers , coffees, sundries and god knows what. He's a spender and has no savings on pension. I squirrel much of mine on pensions and savings and anything left over I spend. It means that I'm not constantly harassing him and I'm getting a fair share.

Unfortunately I had to go back to work for the above ideal to happen. I do the brunt of the childcare still and that's still a battle but by me keeping in a job, having that financial security and a lot less arguments all round. Its a sacrifice worth sacrificing for. When my dh has a heart attack due to too many takeaways etc and I'm retired with another 30years and a decent pension..well that's the theory anyway!!

Arguments stopped after I went back to work and the power balance was noticeably more even. Its not right but I had to play the hand that i was delt with

I'd agree a time in advance. Eg agree early in the week that you'll sit down on Saturday afternoon to sort it out. That way both of you will have time to think of ideas.

They system DH have worked out is that most money is in a shared account and spent on food and bills. Additional expenses must always be agreed jointly (cars, furniture, holidays etc - but there's an annual budget for that too). Savings/pensions/mortgage payments are decided periodically ( usually when circumstances change or one of us feels the need to go over stuff).

To avoid getting annoyed with each other, we also have an equal monthly 'allowance'. That has been a life saver as it put a lot of stupid arguments to bed (I love some fancy clothes and bags + regular beauty treatments and DH has some expensive hobbies).

Different couples have different systems that work for them so it's probably boils down to good will, really.

And the top tip is to agree a time in advance so that you won't get distracted or your OH doesn't feel attacked/get defensive over it.

This is why i will never merge money with another man....even when i was married we had seperate accounts....i am a saver and i couldnt be with someone who spent recklessly...ive been married twice and never had a joint account.

We have separate accounts, I earn slightly less than he does ( around £300 a month less). He pays most of the bills and all the phone contracts for 4 kids.
I buy most of the food and shoes and clothing for the kids.
Whoever has any left pays for the odd family treat - day out or meal out or theatre tickets.
Neither of us spend a lot on ourselves although I do have my hair highlighted every couple of months.
We still manage to argue about money, I think he thinks I am too soft helping the kids out with paying for driving lessons etc.

Go over to www.moneysavingexpert.com and draft a statement of affairs making sure you put everything down including drink and cigarettes. You also list all of your income, loans, interest rates etc.

This will show where your money is going. Then print off a copy and give it to your OH so he can see it all written down. I would also set up accounts with another bank in your own name for each child and transfer all their savings so he can't touch them. Has he paid them back - that's pretty despicable IMO to touch the children's money. You may have to face some hard facts if he's not prepared to change his ways. He sounds awful.

Change the DC's accounts so that he can't access that money. Then decide if you can continue to live this way, because he probably won't change.

I'm in a different boat....are years of handing over bonuses, inheritances and insurance payouts I have just worked out that DH has approx £100k savings he hasn't told me about. He is very frugal on regular expenses e.g. Food but then buys himself v expensive stuff like cars, bikes and watches. He told me he saved up for the last bike and gave me the impression he had used up his savings. And now this. I feel betrayed.
Sorry to hijack but had to share a different perspective. S

www.youneedabudget.com (YNAB) has resources like YouTube videos and guides for couples trying to get on the same page with budgeting, so that might be worth a look.

Fortunately, I'm single so now have complete control of the household finances after years of selfish idiots spending all the food money on DVDs, film memorabilia, fancy dress clothes and drugs...