Brother keeps asking me for money - WWYD?

[Jng1]

I'm in my 50s with DH & teen kids. DB is a few years older, single, not married or in a partnership etc.

DH & I have both worked, are comfortably off and looking forward to paying mortgage off/travelling retirement etc. Have two teens who we hope to support through Uni.

My DB, after uni degree, has never really managed to settle into anything. Seems to fall out with people/ leave jobs. He is very creatively talented (photography), but won't put his work out there - is always going on about how people steal images online etc.
He hasn't really had a job since his twenties. I don't really know how he's managed - a combination of benefits, odd freelance work and being very frugal I guess.
(We live 500 miles apart, so I don't see him much, and he has never shown any interest in my family (doesn't send birthday cards to his neice & nephew) or what I'm doing - we've never really been very close).
A few years ago we both inherited some money from family and he wanted to buy a small house in a fairly remote town. At the time I questioned whether this was a good idea as he doesn't drive, so he is a bit stuck to the local area and bus routes, but he was adamant that it was what he wanted.
He didn't have quite enough money, so I loaned him over £10k of my part of the money so he could get his house. He asked for more at the time "to decorate", but I said no, that was all I could offer.
Anyway, now, about 5 years later, he says he wants to move, but can't afford all the costs etc, so can I lend him more money (over £1000).
I've said no, because I don't have spare cash (true) and I'm no longer working (true).
He keeps sending me emails saying how tight things are for him (he has form for this over the years...) and I feel like he is trying to guilt me into giving him cash. If I make any suggestions about him finding casual work, or joining online services like Upwork etc he just deflects it all saying 'there isn't any' or that the 'rates of pay are too low'.

I've sent him lists of suggestions of websites to look at, and jobs I think he could do, but he has an excuse for not doing them all.
I suggested he sell a few bits and pieces on ebay (which is how I generate a bit of cash), but he says he 'hasn't got anything'.
I recently reminded him that I lent him about £500 when we in our late 20s and he never paid that back (I stupidly didn't get a receipt, and it was pre-email days). He now just denies all knowledge and says I am making it up!

Now I've found out that since 'I've refused to help him' he's started emailing his friends asking for money, but they have basically said the same as me.

I do worry about him, but I just don't want to lend him any more money. DH says he will just be back again in 18 months time with a reason for why he hasn't paid me back, and asking for more. WWYD?

oh no
this is going to be my sister in 10 years - regularly unemployed and telling me that the rates of pay aren't good enough or the job is boring....so I feel for you. Goodness knows what will happen to our relationship then.

tell him firmly no. You don't owe him anything. What he will have to do is simply sell up and move to a cheaper area. If need be, he will have to take a loan against the house to pay the initial bills.

I would lend money in an emergency - like food or gas bills but otherwise no.

I do know someone who went from no work to getting supermarket work in his 50s - so I guess there is a glimmer of hope your brother might do this eventually?

Also, when you talk to him, how frank are you? I'd be telling him if he doesn't want to earn then he needs to start selling his posessions on ebay as well as moving somewhere much much cheaper.

I feel you on the will thing too. I am single and childfree but some of my money will go to my friends and in one case kids - my dad was horrified when he heard that, as it means if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, my sister won't get "all" of it. but those friends and the children named in my will are like family too, I don't think sis should get it all just because she's my sis!

You've made lots of helpful suggestions. Don't give him money. Would ignore any such requests don't engage on dialogue about it.

PS re eBay, sorry I missed you told him that already.

Alice - he always makes out it's an emergency, so I really don't believe him anymore.
I think if I was on the breadline I would do ANYTHING - cleaning loos, bar work etc just to earn minimum wage to see me through.

I oscillate between wanting to cut him off completely and feeling that I need to make an effort as he is my only remaining relative.
When he came to my mother's funeral (which was near us) I had to pay for his train fare, a hotel bill and his share of a meal out. He didn't once ask who had paid for it or offer to pay. In the end I processed it through the probate costs, even though that wasn't strictly correct .

Seriously, he's a scrounger. Don't subsidise his lifestyle choice to sit on his arse

OP is that because you thought it would look bad if he wasn't there?

I've had a friend asked for the elec bill money twice. Second time I said straight out, shall I pay them direct and then you call them and explain you have issues - good if they see someone else pay the bill...she found the money after all.

Tbh your brother sounds not nice so I'd just tell him the bank is closed. My sister does help me with stuff, it's the frequent not working that worries me but I realise from your update it's a bit different.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

I get the only remaining relative thing, I really do, but I think you have to separate money from that.

Ah yes, my mum always paid his train fares when DB went to see her. It must have killed him to pay his own towards the end, although as we were getting her shopping with/for her using her debit card, and she was increasingly confused, I suspect he was getting cash back and pocketing some of it.

He managed to pay his own fare twice when she was in a home just before she died and again when she died, then his DW drove him up for funeral. He never went back to house after that though, left me and DH to do everything in terms of emptying it.

I then got a letter from the minister who conducted funeral, about a memorial service in autumn. I was thinking of going but ended up not being able to. DB expressed interest (which surprised me) but when I asked him nearer the time, he said he couldn't afford train fare or hotel. This was just 3 months after we had settled the estate! I am hoping he had put the money in an inaccessible bond, as he was asking my advice on them, rather than having blown all his inheritance straight away. But the comment still shocked me!

Alice - yes, he basically manipulated us by saying he couldn't afford to come. It had obviously been a very stressful period before her death and I didn't have the sense or the energy to argue about it. I decided I didn't want him staying with us though as he winds me up too much, and we would have had to move the kids/shuffle bedrooms etc and I was already feeling too fragile.
It also turned out that we couldn't get the life insurance payment originally designated for the funeral until after probate, so DH & I ended up paying for that too and having to reclaim it later. My DB never even asked (perhaps didn't even consider?) how or who paid for it. Grrr... it raises my blood pressure just thinking about it.

OP
I feel for you
He sounds awful
Def no more lending of money. If you can't bring yourself to do that and you think he's on the breadline, offer to pay a heating bill - which you need to see - or send supermsrket vouchers.

I'd be tempted to write to him and unleash tbh.

Just say No.

I would also, as with a PP, not be reading all these emails. In fact, I'd block him. (Saves hassle.)

Yes Op, we also paid everything up front before probate. When funeral director asked about a deposit, DB just said Dont ask me, ask her!

To be fair, I always expected us to be the one paying upfront, but as a cousin said, what would have happened if I hadn't have been around, what would he have done? We did get an insurance payout immediately, but it didnt cover deposit and other stuff, flowers etc.

Because of the issue with mum giving him a house deposit in secret, I had visions of them having made a new will together. Even as we sat with legal lady the day after funeral, I was expecting him to pull one out of his pocket, with everything left to him.

I suspect the only reason he didnt try and do it was because everyone else in family (incl his DD) would have disowned him, plus I would have walked away, so he would have had to do some work and empty the house!!!

As I said earlier, its hard to reconcile we were brought up by same parents!!

I was talking to DH about this last night and he reminded me about another occasion when my brother started hassling me for money: when my mother finally went into a care home and I had power of attorney over all the finances my DB emailed me saying that 'now I had control of the purse strings, could I lend him a few thousand, and we could consider it as an 'advance on his inheritance'
I told him in no uncertain terms that I had no intention of gifting any of mum's money to him, especially as she may need every last penny for her care home fees. At this point we didn't even know what the will said and whether he would even be getting any inheritance!

U n b e l i e v a b l e ! !

You just need to keep repeating the same thing. No I don't have any spare money as I have two children to pay for.

Don't engage in conversation. Just repeat the safe thing every time he asks.

I'd stop talking to him/corresponding with him. (After one final 'No'.). He may be your only sibling but - what does he bring to your life?

Yes, you're right.
I don't want to block him completely, but I have stopped replying to any of his questions about anything else unless I can do it in just 2 or 3 words.
I now recognise the pattern to his behaviour at least. I won't hear from him for ages and then suddenly he'll find some 'innocent' reason to email. But then the innocent email will quickly be linked to and followed by a reason why he can't afford something urgent, or is in 'dire straits' over x,y,z.

I'm learning the art of the short reply though:
"Oh, sorry to hear that - hope you get it sorted out soon. Bye!"
"Can't help, sorry"

Well done for that, anyway. I still think that it may bring needless stress into your life but Hey Ho.

'I oscillate between wanting to cut him off completely and feeling that I need to make an effort as he is my only remaining relative.'

Why on EARTH are you bequeathing him a fucking bean that could be going to your kids? He will piss it away! Are you for real?! Get down to the solicitor and cut him out of your will! It's none of his business, anyhow. You're enabling him from beyond the grave by doing this.

expat - if you read the thread again, you will see the brother only gets 50% if Op, her DH and DC are all killed together. So her DC are not losing out

But I must say, given his past behaviour, I think she should re-consider that anyway.

Op have you no nieces, nephews, cousins, god-children to leave it to if you all killed together? I must say, hell would freeze over before I would leave my DB anything, even if we had no nieces etc to leave to.