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Original poster

I've ruined everything and I can't confess

50 replies

Lostsoul84 · 06/03/2017 20:37

I've ruined everything and I cannot bring myself to confess. I'm on the verge on a break down and I'm hiding it all.
I've spent on my partners credit card and got him into debt. 6K. It was 4K before but I've taken him over his limit. I was making the repayments so was going under oticed by him. Foolish of me. But then I had a hiccup.

My dad passed in 2014 and he was my rock. I could always rely on him to advice. My OH wasn't around when our child was born for a few reasons of other people meddling. It took a lot for me to trust him and let him back in our lives and then 5 years on I lose my dad and I start doing things and spending his money behind his back. I don't even remember doing it. Like another part of me was doing it all.
SInce I've missed the payments the bank have been in contact and I've lied. I didn't realise I was doing it at the time and now it's spiralled out of control. I'm scared he'll kick me out of the house. He'll stop me seeing our child. I don't know how to tell him it's all my fault without him hating me forever.
I deserve to be hated for lying but I want to make it right. I'm having suicidal thoughts at times which isn't healthy. And I'm scared what might happen if and when I tell him.
He deserves to know I know that. Just cannot pick up the courage to tell him. I want to make it right. I want to pay it all back. I can't explain where the money has gone. Just on nonsense. Which doesn't help.
He proposed last year. And I'm so worried about telling him. I'm worried how it will effect our daughter.
I'm scared what him might do. Not hit me I don't think he would ever do that. But I don't know how to approach it and admit it.
I need his help to get back on track. And I need to take responsibility for it all. I think he is going to hit the roof and I don't blame him.
Since losing my dad I feel lost. And I don't feel like I've got anyone to turn to. I've never been that close with my mum. I worry that he will end things but I don't blame him at the same time. I have lied to his face. But I think there is something wrong with me as I don't remember doing all the spending. I feel like I was a passerby watching on.

Any advice would be welcome. I can imagine it's a tough time one.

OP posts:

caroldecker · 07/03/2017 00:08

Jeanne That depends on what you earn.

Pumpkintopf · 07/03/2017 00:34

Good advice adorabell. Op please go and see your GP and book an appointment with the local CAB for some rl help and advice for this.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 07/03/2017 06:14

So is it only 2-2.5k that you have added to the card that he doesn't know about? Not the full 6k?

Why did you stop repayments? The most important thing is to restart minimum repayments at least. Then you can figure out how to pay it back. The money saving expert website has great advice on cutting spending and they have forums for clearing debt.

RJnomore1 · 07/03/2017 06:56

So he already had around £4K debt on the card but he doesn't even look at statements and lets you pay it?

OrangeSquashTallGlass · 07/03/2017 07:18

If I was your DP I would feel a lot more forgiving if you had a plan to put things right.

Is there anything you can sell to put towards the balance? Can you set up monthly payments so x amount of your income goes into that account? Can you pick up extra work for a while?

Original poster

Lostsoul84 · 07/03/2017 08:19

There is nothing I can sell. I earn enough to pay a reasonable amount a month to him. And pay him directly. All our house bills are ok too so there is nothing outstanding there.
I cannot pick up extra work unfortunately.
I paid for it as part of splitting the bills. He paid others and this was one I took, despite it being his. 50/50 was our agreement. But then Ive messed it up by doing this.
I know he'll be angry. I know he'll find it hard to forgive me for a long time. And I do need his help to sort this out.
I do have a history of depression and my brother has Bipolar, my OH knows that and knows that I've always been petrified I may have something deeper. The spending was on basics like food and stuff.. nothing worthwhile which is harder to explain. But I was sad, down and depressed and in a zoned state where I didn't even remember some major things that happened.
I'm writing stuff down.

Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:

fusspot66 · 07/03/2017 08:27

Dear Lost soul, I saw this last night and this morning read the bits about you starting it at 3.5 - 4K owing. Honestly, even with minimum payments you'd be owing 6 K easily. Credit cards are horrible that way. But it will get worse if you don't tackle it - together! Text him. Tell him you must talk to him tonight in privat about the joint credit card. Then you're committed to follow through. If your finances are generally ok it's cheaper to take a bank loan to pay it off and then pay that off. Bank loans don't increase and increase. The sum owing actually goes down while you pay it. This will be ok. Let him rant. He's jointly responsible. And don't pack a bag. You're being a ninny!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/03/2017 08:35

He won't leave you over this. It's not a huge amount of money.

Sorry but no one can say that for certain.

It also imo doesn't matter how much it is.

Original poster

Lostsoul84 · 07/03/2017 08:52

Thanks for all the advice. Rip the bandage. And get this over with. It's not going to be pretty but the sooner the better right?!

I'm going to speak to CAB today for some advice and also ring the GP for an appointment so I am doing things.

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 07/03/2017 10:04

You're doing great. I'm glad you're going to the GP.

thethoughtfox · 07/03/2017 10:17

You've taken the first step and told someone. And it's only £1500. That can be paid off in small amounts and won't take forever. Could you even put it in a text, if it's so hard to say?

Original poster

Lostsoul84 · 07/03/2017 10:32

The money I think he'll accept it's the secrets and lies that may destroy us. Which is what I'm scared of.
Got a GP appointment but it's not until next week.
I'm so scared.

OP posts:

ExplodedCloud · 07/03/2017 10:46

He should be checking his credit card statement himself. He's irresponsible not to. Yes you've been irresponsible too but if debt is in his name he should be paying attention. What if his card was hacked or cloned? How long would it go before he noticed?

Bluntness100 · 07/03/2017 10:49

Ok, you need to stop with all the im too scared, I didn't realise I was lying, i don't remember spending thoughts.

Take responsibility, call the credit card company and agree repayments that you can both afford, then look at your budgets, why were you using the card for food and basics? Is there an issue in how you budget for these?

The solution isn't pack a bag etc, it's to understand how the debt is to be repaid and how to live month to month without using a credit card for food and stuff.

Speak to him factually explain the debt, the repayments and then your outgoings and how you need to budget and manage going forward.

Original poster

Lostsoul84 · 07/03/2017 13:04

I've written it all down.

Thank you for your guidance and advice. Will see how it goes tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostsoul84 · 07/03/2017 13:07

I was spending my own money on stuff, and then having to rely on the cc for day to day essentials.
My budget was gone as I was spending it on stupid nonsense and that lead me to spend on the cc.
I cannot justify it. I've just got to be honest about it. Tell him what I've done. How I've lied and been deceitful. And how I feel.

OP posts:

lougle · 07/03/2017 15:20

So the amount is actually £1,500 that you've spent? Be brave. It's not that bad.

Original poster

Lostsoul84 · 07/03/2017 15:31

It's the fact I've lied about it more than the amount of money to be honest.

OP posts:

Badders123 · 07/03/2017 17:12

Having lost my own father I can empathise
With how lost and devastated you were BUT you must take ownership of your own actions.
You've had some great advice and I agree just tell him, apologise and work out a repayment plan.
And cut the cc up obv
Good luck x

Jeanneweany · 07/03/2017 21:58

Carol decker. I am on a low budget and spending 1500 is not a lot compared to other expenditure. Also it would cost more to get divorced etc.

Jeanneweany · 07/03/2017 22:02

Lostşoul84 I think you are overreacting. I think you are human and people make mistakes
If your DH has debt of 4k then he is not against credit etc so I think would be more understanding etc

notapizzaeater · 07/03/2017 22:05

Make sure when you tell him how you plan to make it right

QuiteLikely5 · 08/03/2017 07:43

I'd be more worried that you have harmed his credit score!!! He will no longer be able to get any credit and that would seriously pee anyone off!!!

Tell him ASAP or at least make the minimum payments so he isn't punished for your mistakes

Noodoodle · 09/03/2017 13:23

Did you tell him OP, how did it go? If this was my dh that had done this to me I'd be pissed, but, with your mh I'd be more concerned about trying to help you get help so that if and when it is sorted, it doesn't happen again. If the rest of the marriage was ok I'm quite certain I'd swallow it as lesson learned, facilitate you getting help where needed and work out a way to pay it off. As pp have said it kind of doesn't matter how much it is where the lies are concerned, but, that amount is not the end of the world.

redjumper · 12/03/2017 09:19

Lostsoul- you poor thing, I feel for you. I only just saw this thread or I would have commented earlier. How did it go?
Through my work I see a lot of gambling addiction. Those people are usually in a similar situation to you, accumulating secret debt then not knowing how to fix it. The suicide risk is very high. In fact my grandfather committed suicide for the same reason.
You have done the right thing to decide to confront this now. However hard the conversation is, it's easier than letting the snowball keep rolling and growing bigger.
Like you say, it's the deceit which is the major problem. Your OH may be devastated. He might not know how to start to trust you again. You need to be prepared for that.
When grieving or depressed it is very common to do this kind of thing. People become impulsive and their judgement becomes impaired. You may have some personality traits of that if you have bipolar in the family. It doesn't mean you'll be like this forever and it's not necessarily a bad thing normally. Listen to what is happening now though and get some support. Have you thought about grief counselling through CRUSE? Otherwise get someone to talk to, maybe gp counsellor or local MH services. Don't forget the Samaritans if the suicidal thoughts feel strong. This kind of problem is all about the secrecy, don't let it overcome you, speak about it and it won't feel as overwhelming.
Best of luck. Thanks for posting your OP I'm sure you're not the only one out there in this situation.

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