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Original poster

My Partner gets provided accommodation with their job, yet wants me to pay rent

54 replies

Blutac999 · 01/02/2017 14:10

Hi Guys,

I need to know whether I am over reacting or being unreasonable here.
My partner works for a school which provides a 2 bedroom flat as accommodation. They pay no fees for it, water and electricity are included.

We have been living together for a little while now, and previously we split the costs for the bills that we had, and then we put money into a house fund each month to pay for anything we needed.

They have now decided that instead of doing this they want me to pay rent. The amount is marginally less than i would have to pay in my area in general, which is OK.

My issue is that I work darn hard for my money, and whilst i do earn quite a bit more than my partner, I feel a strong sense of resentment that I am handing over a good portion of my hard earned wage each month, for what is essentially just pure pocket money for them, having done nothing to earn it.

I can't get this feeling out of my head, am i being unreasonable?

Thanks for any input

OP posts:

gamerchick · 04/02/2017 10:54

Maybe you should move out and have separate houses. There wont be any resentment then on either side.

Pay your way man.

Trills · 04/02/2017 11:02

at people pretending not to understand "they" as a non-gender-specific singular.

If you saw an umbrella in a coffee shop you might say "someone has left their umbrella here, I'll give it to the person at the till in case they come back for it". Nobody would be confused, or think that you meant that the umbrella was owned by multiple people.

Somerville · 04/02/2017 11:04

First off - it's against the rules at a lot of tied accommodation for the person living there to sublet. So get him/her to check that first off. (You'd still be allowed to live there as part of their household, of course, just not paying rent.)

Beyond that, this is a bit of a tricky one.

I think what feels fairest is if you pay an extra amount - at the level you'd otherwise be paying on rent - into a joint savings account. So if you stay together that money can be spent on buying a property together sooner. If you split up then it can be split 50/50 between you.

That's what I'd do if I was one of the other side of this dilemma.

Pibplob · 04/02/2017 11:29

I think by 'they' she means the school?

PenelopeFlintstone · 04/02/2017 11:35

I thought 'they' meant partner and a flatmate, or the school. I certainly wasn't pretending to myself at home not to understand.

PenelopeFlintstone · 04/02/2017 11:37

After re-reading the OP, I realise I assumed the poster was female and the partner was male. Perhaps incorrectly.

WeAreEternal · 04/02/2017 12:37

They - I read it that she was trying to avoid specifying the gender of her partner.

Why not that suggest you put what would be 50% of the rent (look for a similar flat to guess the rent) and 50% of what the utility bills would be into a savings account to use towards a deposit for a future house for the two of you.

Mumoftheark · 14/02/2017 23:40

It's a hard one.
Both ways it sounds like you are not working together as a unit but are very much 2 individual people living under one roof.
I don't necessarily think you should have a joint account with someone you are not married to or have children with. However it would stop this yours and there's mentality that you both have. I can't imagine your relationship lasting the distance of you are both feeling resentment to each their over finances already, when actually to be rent free you are both in an amazing position.

Maybe your partner feels like you are not contributing equally to other things in the relationship.
My husband is entitled to accommodation at a very cheap rate because of his job as well although we do not live in it so it's not the same. However if we did, he definitely would not be expecting me to give him money to live there, I would however perhaps contribute a higher percentage of the bills than him if I was earning more.

Is s/he struggling with money? Maybe s/he has debts that you are not aware of and is thinking of ways to get out of it.

Maybe s/he doesn't feel secure in the relationship and feels if your invest a bit more financially there's less change of you leaving? Do they feel maybe you are a bit I greatly or using them?
Are you putting savings away for your own future and talking talking about your future together?

Have you had an open and honest talk about why s/he has now changed his/ her mind?

I agree with others that just because his / her rent is "free" due to their job it doesn't automatically entitle you to it. And you do seem very entitled. I'm unsure why you would resent helping out financially if you have more money and are getting free rent. If you were living alone and paying rent would you still have more money?
You should be greatful that because of your partners job you are able to live rent free - just think of how much you are saving because of him / her!

I can see why you don't want to give them "spending money" I think if your relationship is serious you should both recognise what an advantage you are in having rent free and start putting money that you both would be paying for rent away for a house of your own, holidays, rainy days, children whatever.
I also don't think you should be paying what the rental market is asking - that's strange s/he is your partner not landlord, but a small amount or higher contribution towards a bill of some kind wouldn't be a bad thing

you need to meet in the middle

Whileweareonthesubject · 15/02/2017 07:47

So, based on your comments, I assume your partner gets paid for doing nothing all day? Or do they also work hard for their salary, including the accommodation? Surely the fairest way would be to work out how much you pay for bills and what you would pay for a similar flat locally and then split that?

You sound a bit 'sniffy'about their income, whilst conveniently forgetting that they are actually contributing a huge amount to the finances by way of the housing.
Something else that comes to mind is that the flat may be treated as a benefit in kind for tax and may actually be costing your partner in that way. So not 'free'.

latebreakfast · 15/02/2017 08:55

I also assumed the school when I read "they".

AyeAmarok · 15/02/2017 09:00

Put an amount for rent into a savings account for both of you to put towards buying your own place in future.

Evergreen777 · 15/02/2017 09:01

How about you put in what your partner wants as "rent" into the future housing fund for you both? Your partner is therefore contributing the free accommodation (which is very likely in lieu of a higher salary) and you are contributing the same amount towards your joint fund

cushioncovers · 15/02/2017 09:04

Yabu your partners salary will be lower because of the 'free' accommodation. You need to pay your way.

whifflesqueak · 15/02/2017 09:05

my house comes with my partner's job.

it has literally never occurred to me to contribute towards rent. we split the bills haphazardly with the aim of having similar amounts of spending money at the end of the month (usually about 50p )

Starlight2345 · 15/02/2017 09:13

I thought they was the school and was struggling to make sense of it...She makes far more sense...

Yes your partners salary will be lower due to accommodation. You earn more than her so yes you should pay rent or more into the house fund.

tovelitime · 15/02/2017 09:17

I don't agree. Why would you pay rent for somewhere which isn't charging rent. You should of course pay a proportion of the bills but rent, no.

Flywheel · 15/02/2017 09:31

Yabu. Massively. You say you earn more, but if you include the value of the accommodation in the calculations is it perhaps a bit more even? Using your logic you want to take advantage of the 'free' accommodation and have huge amounts of disposable income for yourself, while your partner has significantly less. You need to acknowledge that the perk has indeed been earned and arrange a fairer distribution of your incomes. Anything else would be selfish.

preciouspig · 15/02/2017 09:38

Does your partner get taxed on the benefit of the accommodation?

Mehfruittea · 15/02/2017 09:42

What's the going rate for your partners job without the flat? Is it considerably more? Is their tax code adjusted to reflect this benefit? Do they pay more tax because this is offset against their income?

Agree with PP yabu.

SuitedandBooted · 15/02/2017 10:15

Are you able to actually put any figures together, and see if you are paying a fair split? There have been a lot of comments along the lines of "he's being paid less, YABU" etc, - how much is he actually "paying" for the flat?

Here's a real life example; at a private school I know of, the staff who get accommodation usually have to do some extra duties with the boarders etc, but they get a pretty good deal IMO. A Head of Dept we know gets his full salary, and currently pays back £300 ish PM for a 3 bedroom house, which would rent out on the open market at over £1200, so a 75% discount. The staff in flats in shared buildings also get lower charges for gas/electricity and don't pay full Council Tax.

Staff without accommodation have to pay rent/mortgage elsewhere, so as you can imagine, the school flats/houses are really sought after!

In your shoes, I would want to know what your are actually paying for. It is not right for you to be topping up his wages above and beyond the "cut" the school is taking for the accommodation it provides, if indeed that is the case.

You should certainly pay something, but using the above case as an example, (and imaging the HoD is your boyfriend), it would not seen fair to me if he was charging you £600 pm, which would be the market rate to share the house, as he himself is only paying £300.

The devil is in the detail here.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/02/2017 10:26

hmm at people pretending not to understand "they" as a non-gender-specific singular.

It's not a lack of understanding. "They" is a plural pronoun; using it as a single pronoun, as in this situation, shows why it doesn't work.

desire2017 · 15/02/2017 12:21

I think this is disgusting!! You are complaining because you can't have it rent 'free' and don't want to contribute your 'hard earned money' the accommodation is only 'free' because your partner works for it!! You obviously expect to live rent free and only pay a little amount to the household so you can have a massive disposable income and your partner struggles on their lower income. Why are you in a relationship if you are all out for yourself. Isn't a relationship about being fair? If you lived alone without your partners accommodation being provided there is a high chance that you would pay more in rent and all the other bills yourself. Maybe you should contribute more!! I would feel resentful if I had a lower income and my partner was living off me rent free and only paying a small amount to the household in his bigger wage then my own and I had to pay the same amount to the household and have deductions for my accommodation and then have very little. I think it's so cheeky to say you work hard but your partner doesn't just because he accommodation is provided and because they earns less... honestly can't believe what I've read

GatoradeMeBitch · 15/02/2017 12:35

Does he want you to pay rent because you earn more and he's threatened by that?

GatoradeMeBitch · 15/02/2017 12:35

*Or she

TrishanFlips · 17/02/2017 00:32

Suburban "they" is often used now as a singular non-gender-specifc pronoun. In some contexts its demanded.Can't understand what all the fuss is about. Get with it.

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