Adult stepchildren in will

[firsttimejoj]

Hi there,

DH and myself are writing our first will and I'm struggling to work out how best to include my two adult stepchildren whom I have never lived with or brought up.

DH and I have a young family (one year old DD and a DS on the way). Since being together we have worked hard to build an asset base which will be worth a considerable value to the people who will inherit.

My quandary is how to include DH's two adult children. They are 23 and 24yrs old and live and work in Brazil (where they grew up with their mum and DH before the marriage broke up). I got together with DH when his children were 13 and 14 years old.

My relationship to both of them is very limited. DH is unfortunately estranged from the youngest, so I have no contact with him. I have a good relationship with the eldest (I say hi to him when DH is on Skype with him and we spend time together when we visit Brazil every few years).

At the moment we're talking about leaving 80% to our common children and 20% to DH's two children. Would you say this is fair? Too much/too little?

Thanks in advance

sheldon but they're not "children of the family" , it's a blended family. The step children have a mother - will she be leaving part of her estate to the OP's children?

The step kids are in no worse position - they are inheriting from their father and their mother.

I have 2 children and my dh has 3. My children are most definitely children of the family, even though we are blended. The 5 are treated the same in our will and everything else despite nearly all our wealth coming from dh.

I think it depends on the relationship. DH has 2 adult children who we see little or nothing of them. They would frequently pop up when they needed money and when I got ticked off with it and started to say no they have now almost disappeared. We maintain contact on birthdays and christmas with gifts for them and the three grandchildren but we get nothing in return not even a thank you. To see the wounded look in DH's eyes each fathers day, birthday and other occasions absolutely kills me. He maintained them via their mother until they finished education and beyond when they needed things. I have always been the main earner and always supported DH during the years he needed to maintain the children. The house we live in is mine - bought and paid for by me before I met DH. We don't have children but I'll be damned if they get their hands on anything simply because they are his children. To say I hate them is a bit of an understatement really but I love DH so much making it very difficult indeed.

laeynorth I don't think anyone would blame you in the slightest! I also love my dh deeply, but loath his adult children who only see him as a walking wallet and threaten to cut him off if anything displeases them.

The difference is that you have the power, i.e. the assets, and I don't, they are dh's. If they do not even thank you for gifts, I would stop them pronto. I would also make your will water tight.

I have said for years that we should stop buying gifts for the 'adults' and concentrate on the grandchildren but DH says that's cheap and in the end I always give in because it causes so many arguments between us. It was a special birthday for DH this year (60) and eldest daughter left a cheap bottle of wine on the doorstep for him. When I came home from work he was sitting on the stairs sobbing. Not because the wine was cheap but because she couldn't even knock on the door to see him. Apparently she was really busy and didn't have time. I did text her later and ask if she knew it was his 60th and I got a mouthful off her setting out how crap her life is and how great ours is. That's the first and last time I stepped into the arena but won't do it again. I wanted DH to tear her off a strip for the way she spoke to me but he didn't and that really upset me. And yes you're right I do need to address my will. Good luck with your challenges I hope you find a solution.

Jealousy- at the heart of so many issues in step families; she's comparing her life to yours. Your dh is no doubt worried if the presents stop he'll lose whatever small crumbs they throw him.

I have children and I will always love them but if one of them behaved to me like your dsd is to her dad I wouldn't curl up into a ball and waste my life pining. My dsd has now cut off dh for showing care towards me and he's letting her get away with it, still funding her and not showing me the loyalty I deserve. Really hurts as I love him.

It is funny that when the Step Children are the bio children of the mother they are always 'children of the family' and get an equal share. But when they are the Father's children they are Step children who have another parent to inherit from.

I like Chewbacca's idea too.
I've been debating this issue myself as well, because I want to be as fair as possible to my husbands two children and my own daughter. Also my husband is a lot older than me, so if he leaves everything to me his children could be waiting for years for their inheritance or be worrying I'd change the will in favour of my child (would never do), which I've heard can happen with joint wills after the first partner has died.
Then all of the grandparents inheritance comes into it etc.
Going to seek legal advice for the fairest solution to all because I don't want the children fighting over it or feeling cheated.
I think regardless of relationship (except in extreme circumstances) you have to treat all children involved equally.

I maybe be wrong but I am assuming your DH is a bit older than you OP. I'm which case I think the will should leave 50% of his assets to you and 50% to his older children. Assuming he dies first (if he is older and a man this would be the natural way of things) and then you leave all of your assets split equally between your children

All of this is very personal, isn't it. Children have no right to expect anything to be left to them. In my mind it's not ok for children to treat their natural parents - and usually the father when parents are divorced like s**t and then be gifted on death. I am not talking about the usual ups and downs of the parent and child relationship but in my case nearly 20 years of what I call abuse. My DH has done more than enough to try and keep the relationship in tact, and so have but we are treated like lepers. I have tried to talk to them about it but I get absolutely nowhere so I have given up. It has truly ruined our lives and we are both so very sad indeed but enough is enough. The vast majority of the assets are mine and acquired before I met DH so I will do as I choose with them and they won't be going DSD way - that's for sure.

As it stands at the moment without written wills if you die first your assets will automatically go to the spouse
If the remaining spouse then dies intestate the assets will pass to the children i.e. His 4 if he is the last to die or if it's you that dies last it would be your two children

Personally I think the kindest fairest division would be his 50% divided 4 ways & your 50% divided between your two children

What likely provision for the step children would come from the step children's maternal side ?

What if one of you dies first, remarries and has another child or squires another step child?

You need to set up a Trust.

You need completely separate wills.

I know of a case where the wife died, first, then obvs the husband continued living in the house etc - then changed his will so that only his children were in the will. The wife's family got nothing at all and there was nothing anyone could do. They didn't even know until he died.

Half his, half hers? They are married so each child should get 25% of the inheritance! I can't believe you would give them less because they are adults and live abroad, they are still his kids!!!!!!! When you marry someone you take on their children as yours all 4 children should be equal