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Original poster

Feeling anxious about new partner and finances

26 replies

3011152gt · 28/11/2016 15:43

hi everyone
I'm after some advice or maybe a sounding board.
I have met a lovely guy, we're very happy. both been through hard times and didn't expect to be settled again. There's a 10 year age gap and he already has 2 kids with a ex wife. Before he had a good job however he's been unwell and now has a job earning approx £16k a year. We'd like to get married and have more children however I can't see how we can afford it. I don't want to be working full time as I want to enjoy bringing up my children & I don't really have a career as such.
Its causing friction between us because his ex didn't work & he had a good job, he has CSA to pay so I don't see how we can afford more children without being irresponsible.
Am I over worrying?

OP posts:

crayfish · 28/11/2016 15:49

Need more info really. How much do you earn? I don't have what I would describe as 'a career' but I earn more than the national average. What's your living situtaion? What is the cause of the friction?

I'm in the 'you'll muddle through' camp when it comes to having kids and getting married. The marriage part you can do very cheaply (despite some threads on here to the contrary!) but the children will require more thought as there is childcare to consider. Its all very well to say 'I want to enjoy bringing up my children' which I take to mean you don't want to work (or work very little) but that's not the reality for most people.

Original poster

3011152gt · 28/11/2016 15:54

I understand what you saying its just hard for me because his ex wife didn't work and got to bring up the children. At the moment i'm spending more time doing some voluntary work so I don't earn alot because I took a break. That will have to change. I make up my wages with lodgers.

I am good a muddling through I just don't want to be irresponsible having children we can't afford especially as he already has his 2.

I guess reality is I will have to work some but childcare is also expensive and we don't have family who can help.

OP posts:

crayfish · 28/11/2016 16:36

But it sounds like his circumstances were quite different with his ex-wife (better job, no CSA etc) and so you can't really compare. Its all very well that his ex-wife 'got to' bring up the children and not work but you might be one of the many many people who don't have that luxury.

Ellisandra · 28/11/2016 16:52

You're not over worrying - you doing the right thing in thinking it through.
But it's a strange attitude that you think you should get to be a SAHM just because she did!

It's not like you're siblings getting given the same number of Xmas presents!

You have to make the decision about being a SAHP based on:

your own financial situation
your own desires for parenting
staying protected if you split (e.g. Keeping yourself employed or at least employable)

That's got nothing to do with his XW.

What exactly is the friction you mention? There would be friction in my relationship if my partner didn't want to work out of the home and expected me to fund them in that.

Babyroobs · 28/11/2016 16:58

If you have a child with him then the cm he pays will be slightly reduced. You may get some benefits ( tax credits etc) depending on your joint earnings. You could always do what many families do and work around each other so that you don't have to pay childcare bills.

Original poster

3011152gt · 28/11/2016 16:59

I don't want to stay at home just because she did that would be ridiculous, I want to look after my own children because its important to me. I've never had a career mindset, all I've wanted is to be a mum. But i have worked hard in the last 10 years to get myself in a good position with my house etc to mean that I can be on a even keel when I do have to stop working, I've had lodgers etc to get ahead with paying my mortgage etc.

I don't have a problem working just expressing my concerns.

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 28/11/2016 17:02

I'm sure you declared the extra income too?

RhodaBull · 28/11/2016 17:09

SAHMs often have to suck up a dh who works long hours, works away from home, works weekends etc. One salary supporting a family comes with some snags. If you want a dh to support you, then one earning £16K with two dcs is not a good fit. If he is a good man and the right one for you, and you don't want to live on benefits (which is always an option) there is always the option of you being the WOHP and letting your dh do the childcare. It seems a good idea to have this discussion up front, as I have seen a shedload of threads where a poster wants to be a SAHM but the dh/dp has the audacity not to earn enough money to facilitate this comfortably.

MyWineTime · 28/11/2016 17:29

his ex wife didn't work and got to bring up the children
There is resentment building up already.
It sounds like you would have to work in order to make ends meet and it's clear that you don't want to. Not everyone can have the luxury of choice over being a SAHM or not. If you can't get past the fact that his ex got to do what you want to do but can't, then you need to give this a lot of thought before taking it further.

ColdFeetinWinter · 28/11/2016 17:37

Myoriginal3 You don't have to declare money from lodgers up to a certain amount. It's not really the point of this post anyway.

OP it's a perfectly sensible thing for you to consider. Both of you have the ability to earn/bring income to the family. There is nothing in 2016 that makes it law that a man earns the family income so I'd really think hard about your decision to have children because you are as responsible for income as him. Unless you're clear with each other and in total agreement you might find you need to adjust your expectations.

Afterthestorm · 28/11/2016 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rollonthesummer · 28/11/2016 17:45

I've never had a career mindset, all I've wanted is to be a mum.

Hmmm, how did you envisage that being funded?

What sort of jobs have you had?

I know very few friends now who can afford to be at home with their children-things are just too expensive.

Can you work part time rather than full time. Lots of mum here work evenings/weekends (RBS/Tesco/cleaning jobs) so that they don't have to pay childcare.

golfbuggy · 28/11/2016 17:47

I don't think this man will enable you to live your dream.
So you need a different dream or a different man.

Grumpyoldblonde · 28/11/2016 18:00

I think you are right to think this through carefully, also you own the house, and plan to marry this guy. Think that through carefully too, you say he has been unwell? Is that likely to impact his earnings long term? Any chance his health may mean he ends up being at home with any future children? You need to think about what would happen if you ever split - if you were married and his claim on your house.
There is never a 'right' time to have kids IMO.

blue25 · 28/11/2016 19:06

If having a partner who earns enough for you to be a stay at mum is so important, then you need a different partner.

Letseatgrandma · 28/11/2016 19:31

If having a partner who earns enough for you to be a stay at mum is so important, then you need a different partner.

Yes-I agree. You are with a man who earns substantially less than the national average wage. Unless you are prepared to work, things will be pretty tight-especially as he has two children already which he still must provide for.

Do you currently work?

AppleAndBlackberry · 28/11/2016 19:51

16k is not that much and if he has poor health then you may need to be prepared that he may not even be able to earn that much at some future point. Do you have time to put some money aside before having children or pay off a chunk of the mortgage? (Assume you're a homeowner as you mention lodgers). Even with that I think you'll need to plan to work part time at least.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/11/2016 19:55

It's the man or your plan and if I was in your shoes I would follow the plan. I couldn't deal with ex wives and step children, lack of money and a change in my plans!

ElspethFlashman · 28/11/2016 20:04

You also probably won't have room for lodgers with kids in the house tbh. The way their stuff takes over the house is unreal.

If you wish to stay at home, do the sums. £16K would have to cover everything. Can he pay your mortgage and his child support and things like car insurance/bills/shopping etc?

AddToBasket · 28/11/2016 20:04

OP, £16k is a low wage, two children are expensive. As everyone else has said, you will achieve nothing comparing yourself to the previous wife.

Unless you live in a very cheap part of the country, I wouldn't even consider having a DC with this man unless you completely accept that you are likely to be the main provider. I am not a 'muddle-through' type when it comes to money and children.

crayfish · 28/11/2016 20:10

As I said before, I am a 'muddle through' person in the sense that you can make most things work if you try hard enough. However, by that I mean you might need to work more and have less (or less expensive) 'stuff' in order to have a family or other things you want. I do not mean it's possible to be a SAHM while your partner earns 16k and pays CSA for his other children.

How long have you been together OP? It's just that you said you 'met' this man, which suggests it's relatively new. I think you need to make sure you are on the same page,

CadmiumRed · 28/11/2016 20:24

WOHMs still bring up their kids!
And enjoy having them.
Could you get a better paid job but do it p/t?

How does he feel about all this? Does he really want to take on a new baby when he has health concerns and the worry of low income? And responsibilities to his existing children?

Is there any prospect of him recovering more fully and building his salary level again?

Is there (god forbid) any risk that he get more fragile?

Do you love him enough that your life with him would be OK if you didn't have kids?

Or do you need him to be able to support a young family in order to be with you?

He has a considerable responsibility, with two older kids.

You need to be very realistic about that.

And his exW will fight any reduction in support for her kids as a result of him having a new family with you.
Ideal scenario - he recovers his strength and ups his salary again.

Without that, I think you have a difficult decision.

Good luck.

SheldonCRules · 28/11/2016 22:32

I feel for him, you're considering him as a cashpoint basically to fulfill your dream of not working and having children. He should run a mile.

If you don't want to work then up your hours now, take on a second job and save or find a man that meets your salary expectations and is willing to be used for his money.

Original poster

3011152gt · 29/11/2016 07:35

I am not after him for his money.

I love this man I am just anxious whether we can have more children

He can get a better job just he's enjoying this new one more & I don't really want him doing a job he doesn't enjoy even tho I guess lots of us do.

I'm going to have to think about what I can do part time and start working towards experience/qualifications to help that.

And of course the man is more important than the plan.

It's been more the case of worrying if we can afford our own children as well as his. They live away from us as well so that makes it harder.

Thank you all for your responses

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 29/11/2016 18:00

If you are both on low or part time wages, you will no doubt get top up benefits to help as well as child benefit.

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