Dh lying to me about money - so cross, please advise.

[MoneyTroubles]

Have changed my name for this.

Dh and I both work, we get paid into our current accounts and transfer money each month into our joint account for bills, mortgage etc. Any money left over in our current accounts is for day to day expenses, lunches, travel, petrol etc.

We each contribute to the joint account according to how much we earn and how much we need to keep in our current accounts. About 6 months ago I noticed that dh had changed his direct debit into the joint account from several hundred pounds down to only ?10 a month! When I asked him about it, he said that it was a mistake, but it was still the same for several months and each time he just said that he had changed it and it hadn't changed back. I beliieved him when he said that, what a fool I am. He finally changed it but recently we had an argument when he said he couldn't pay for the shopping because he was overdrawn and so I said that I would pay for it as "I pay for everything these days". He claimed this was rubbish and said that he pays ?x into the account each month and never has money for himself, but he pays 3 times less into the account so that was a total lie. I've now found that he has been transferring money INTO his current account from the joint account, more than he pays in each month. I don't care about the money, we are a couple and it is shared money, but he is lying all the time. He never said that he was going overdrawn, never told me he transferred money, and just lies about how much money he is contributing to the bills. And now our joint account is overdrawn because I can't put any more into it than i am already. I want to tackel him but he will just have a strop.

Oh lordy, not good news. He is treating you like a fool, which is worse too.

IMO he has either developed a gambling habit or is having an affair. You can't ignore it, even if he gets stroppy - this is not going to go away or get better, only worse. Sorry you probably already know this, but sometimes it helps to hear it from a third party.

I fear there is probably a much darker problem at the heart of this - he would not lie without a reason - and it will take some unpleasant discussion to unearth it. Sorry. I presume you don't have access to each other's accounts, so you can't see just how bad the problem is?

Jan - I can't see his account at all, we have internet banking and dont get statements.
He swears blind that he doesn't spend any money on himself, clothes, CDs etc but it has to be going somewhere. I know he has a £1000 overdraft limit, which means that we owe money, which we hate doing, apart from mortgage. He always flies off the handle if I mention anything to him, which means we can't have a rational conversation about it, he just storms off.
I dont think he is having an affair or gambling, but I might be wrong

I'm generally not a big one for ultimatums, but I think this would be a deal-breaker for me.

You have no choice but to tell him that you need to discuss this, he needs to show you his bank statements and explain where the money has gone. Throwing a strop is not one of the options available here, really.

Effectively he's been stealing from you, and now he's lying about it. Not a basis on which you can conduct a relationship.

MT, this is very very serious.

He is lying to you and spending money behind your back. He could bankrupt you.

If I were you, I would stop paying money into the joint account and demand a root and branch look at your finances. At the moment, you don't have a financial partner, you're in freefall financially.

My xp did something similar before we split up. The financial shenanigans were a symptom of something much more serious.

Stop paying money into the joint account now. Ask the bank to freeze the overdraft limit to what you currently have outstanding.

Print off the joint account statements showing all transfers and highlight the ones he has made out of the account. then sit down with him and ask him to explain what he is doing with that money.

dassie's practical suggestions are exactly what you should follow, IMO. Even if you can't sit down with him to talk things over, you need to calculate exactly how much is going missing.

I too think this is a symptom of something else. Start doing some digging around. Online gambling - check your internet history if you can, or find someone who can do it for you. Affair - think how traceable your dh is during the day and evening. Consider checking his mobile phone and home email account. If he won't talk to you and is being so dishonest with your joint money IMO he has lost the right to privacy.
Could it be drinking? drugs? blackmail? debt from the distant past? helping out a friend or colleague - IMO unlikely but a remote possibility.

Where ever the money is going, it is going. It is not being spent on things that you can see (eg new car, extension, holiday), therefore logically he is spending it on something he is keeping a secret from you.

MT, I'm really worried for you, I really hope you can sort it out. Dassie makes some good suggestions.

Thanks so much for your advice, I think Ive got to the bottom of it.
I tackeled dh last night when he got in from work, just asked him if he knew that our joint account was really low and why did he take money out of it.
We had a lean period money-wise about 8 months ago and I thought that we had both caught up again on that but he told me that his current account was still low from that. Also he had been doing renovations on the house and paid for the building materials over the summer, from his own account, not the joint one. Additionally, there were a lot of bills in December/Jan which couldn't be paid from our joint account because we didn't have any cheques left in the cheque book, such as a big repair bill for our car, childcare and various after school activities where we paid for a term upfront.
So I do believe him on that, but have told him that he needs to tell me if that is happening again, not just take the money and not say anything.
The second issue is the lying. And I wasn't up to talking about that last night, once we'd cleared up the money stuff. But I am going to watch him like a hawk and keep a really close eye on the bank accounts as I have lost that trust in him now. And if he steps out of line he won't know what's hit him.

Relieved your dh talked to you, at least about where the money has gone.

It sounds like there were genuine reasons for him to take money from the joint account. As it happened for quite big things, and quite regularly, perhaps you need to reorganise your joint banking a bit? As you say, why couldn't he have told you why he was taking money for a big car repair bill, for instance?

It could be that he does not agree in principle with the way you both sort out the accounts. Rather than confront you and talk it through rationally, (or possibly admit it to himself) he is being passive aggressive and lying to you.

Anyway, there's lots of hope that you can get to the bottom of it, as your dh is talking to you.

Hmmm,the perils of keeping money separate eh?
I don't get this at all.
If it's all yours why not just pool it?
Easier to keep track for a start.