How can I stop money being a sore subject in our relationship?

[123Tree]

I love my wife. She never complains about anything. We have 3 children fast growing up (12, 10 and 6) and life should be good. I earn well enough that we should be happily on 2 holidays a year - we are very lucky. But.... I pay my wife the equivalent of more than the average family income per year. We have people to stay occasionally, and I pay for all bills and holidays and days or mails out. She does not appear to spend lavishly on anything, except quality ingredients for our family food. Yet she is constantly out of money. If I bring it up she gets defensive, angry, and lashes out. This is really unlike her. She wants a joint account but I don't because I am afraid all our cash will disappear each month. I want to know how I can approach this positively. Can anyone give me advice? I will try to respond fast if you do com back to me but please be patient, I am travelling on business. Huge thank you.

strayhairs £25k net a year is not 'just' enough to cover food costs, one childs costs and incidentals for you; many people manage on a gross salary of less than that including all bills.

That kind of money allows you some very expensive choices, that's not critising you as you can afford it, but it isn't like its the minimum you can possibly function with.

The OP specifically said the only 'lavish' thing his wife buys is quality food so the rest of the money is going somewhere, it's sound to me he just wants to know where.

It may well be his children and wife actually wear head to toe designer gear but has know idea what it costs or she has a penchant for online bingo or numerous other things but it's not unreasonable for him to want to understand where the family money is going.

It may well be his children and wife actually wear head to toe designer gear but has know idea what it costs or she has a penchant for online bingo or numerous other things but it's not unreasonable for him to want to understand where the family money is going

I think that's entirely right, but it does need to work both ways and she gets to understand and question what he does with his disposable income.

strayhairs, do you have a pension of your own? It might be worth considering that.

"she gets to understand and question what he does with his disposable income."

If they've agreed how much disposable income they each get, it doesn't matter what it gets spent on: it is disposable.

The point is she isn't being given money for her personal spending, she is being given money for the household spend. Maybe that's supposed to include her personal spending, maybe it isn't. If that hasn't been clarified, then it should be. But the issue is that what is set aside for household is coming out at more than expected. The only reason her personal spending is an issue is if it is pushing up the household spend.

OP: if not already clear, I do think you should set out between you what is for household and what is for her. Assuming you are collectively comfortably off, she should have some money to spend on herself, not just the house and the children. So long as a sum is agreed, you don't need to know what it is for, and it should help prevent arguments about the detail of the household stuff.

Wuffle, I'd agree on the basis that they each have an identical 'personal' amount and everything else goes in the joint pot. It doesn't sound like that's happening though.

OP has buggered off.

2k a month to cover food, clothes and incidentals is just enough strayhairs really? I'm terrible with money and even I couldn't manage that. That's about the equivalent of 33-35k gross isn't it? I.e. a few grand more than the average wage in the UK and you think it's just enough to cover expenditure not covering bills. Wow.