i cannot f*cking believe the legal system in this country

[WeWishUAMerryXmasNANappyNewYr]

my friends H left her, 4 months later he was looking after dd one day, friend goes to collect dd, dd isn't there, H tells friend dd is out with sister and won't be returning until friend leaves and that she is never to see dd again. friend calls police. police tell her cos her and H are still married they cannot do anything. wtf?!! it is now going through the court to allow her access but they will only allow from mon 4pm - wed 7pm. i thought we lived in a country that didn't allow things like this to happen?

Nothing helpful to say...

This is such an awful thing to happen to anyone.

If you try getting hold of sadmuppet she's just been through 6 months of hell and finally got her son back.

She'll be able to give good advice.

Sorry i'm not much use.

sorry i meant to say she gets mon - wed at the moment. that took 4 days after H "kidnapped" dd. is goin through the court now to get custody.

thanks directed her to sadmuppets thread. i think she is going to post on it tomorrow so keep an eye out.

Can't she kidnap her back?

Wethreebobkings - that was what I was going to say. If he can decide to be resident parent just like that I know I'd 'nick' my child back during my access times.

that would jeapordise her case though. if she doesn't abide by the times put in order by the court it will go against her when she goes for custody of dd which obviously she doesn't want.

Have you read the shit i have been through?

Listen my advise is:

The child always ends up with the mother no matter what,unless your taking drugs,prostitution etc. They can only get an order on you preventing you from going to get you child back if they suspect that you have harmed the child or the child is in danger from living with you. THIS THEY HAVE TO PROVE.NO EVIDENCE= NO PROOF!
My x got a court order on me and i couldnt go get my son back nor could anyone else related to me either. I went to hell and back for 6 weeks,this was a planned abduction of my son. But you must remember DO NOT under any circumstances go to court and slag the x off,i played it sweet. I told the courts i had made a mistake and i was sorry and that i neer doubted my x husb as a good father as he always was,but i loved my son and i had brought him up.Tell them all that u have done for your child and all that he hadnt. I can go on but its too lengthy read my story and believe me if it has happened to me and im still standing so will u be,please be stong. HE CANNOT JUST TAKE UR CHILD HE HAS TO HAVE GOOD REASON THE CHILD ALWAYS COMES BACK TO MUMMY xx

"The child always ends up with the mother no matter what,unless your taking drugs,prostitution etc."

That is complete and utter bollocks. Sorry.

This always worries me that my XP1 would do this to me and my 2 DSs.

Hes not seeing them at the mo, but he is making out that I have stopped him from seeing them.

I am worried that if he does get to see them again now, his next move would be to keep them. He would only do it to upset me. He would even think for 1 minute what it could do to my DSs

I hope your friend get her DD back soon. She must be going spare with all the worry and missing her. I would hate it to happen to me!

Erm, I know the sadmuppet thread but my ex H did this to me one day - he is a weak twat so not so scary for me, but...

He took the children, their beds, clothes, the TV and kettle and microwave out of my house one day because he had had them for the afternoon and decided he didn't want to bring them back.

Because since our separation the children had been living with me every day apart from visits to their dad each week they were legally able to order that they were returned to me until residency was determined through an order. It has nothing to do with marriage and everything to do with what is called the 'status quo'!

Good luck to your friend!

like sadmupper friends ex H tried to put through a prohibitive thingy order (sorry i forget the correct term) so was obviously planned. however luckily for her she put in an order at exactly the same time so she does see dd 2 days a week. her dd is still with the ex H though most of the time. he is claiming she is not capable of looking after dd cos she had pnd for 12 months. he was horrible. he started sleeping on the sofa weeks after the dd was born. blamed himself for the pnd despite the hv explaining it is just cos of hormones. my friend had a couple of mcs and he blamed her for those. he told her he only married her for a baby and she wasn't even good enough for that. what an arse!

Why is about half the week unfair? Children have two parents. Being female doesn't give you a right to 100% of a child. Surely a father misses a child as much as amother.

But normally the status quo is maintained so depends who did most child care before so househusbands may get child and mother has it alternate weekends or vice versa. It woudl be better to reach an agreement with the father what about one week with her and one week with the father which works well for a lot of parents?

how is 2 days half of the week? they had an arrangement where he had her from fri - mon which is half of the week. he basically kidnapped her. and she only got those 2 days cos she was lucky enough to put in for the order at the same time that he tried to put one in to prevent her seeing dd. if not she could have gone months like sadmuppet without seeing dd. how is that fair? i am not saying women should have the right to their kids but where it is littliest that are concerned they should get priority unless they are dangerous etc. i mean a man can't breastfeed the child can he? it's nothing to do with arranging what is best they had already done that and he fucked her over. why do men think they have a right to take a child away from their mother. they had done everything amicably and he goes and does something like that. makes my blood boil!

Women are always working the system too. A lot of men would love to get 2 days a week with their children. I think 50/50 can be fairer but I don't think mothers are any better than fathers. I agree men can't breastfeed. If she is still breastfeeding then at least there needs to be some means for her to come over for feeds.

Generally the status quo is preserved so the mother who stops her ex seeing the child is likely to benefit from that. It is awful that basically you profit from your own wrong on these disputes.

Fairer for the child or the parents though xenia?

I'm in the process of seperating from P and I'm fortunate in that he is a decent man and will want to spend a reasonable amount of time with DS and continue to be a part of our family. 50/50 shared responsibility just wouldn't work for anyone except me though to be honest. I could cope with missing DS for the 3/4 days per week that I wouldn't have him here. P wouldn't cope though because it would cause too many problems with work. DS would also suffer because he would be confused about where he actually lived and I believe a parental relationship breakdown is traumatic enough without adding more confusion with regards to where home is now.

With older children perhaps it could work to their advantage but I still think a child needs to know they have 1 home with a resident parent and then perhaps an extended home with the non-resident parent.

That's just my personal view on it though and it's not really anything to do with Nappy's friends situation. (sorry, haven't read whole of thread).

I'm confused. Xenia says that "If she is still breastfeeding then at least there needs to be some means for her to come over for feeds." How on earth could a breast feeding baby be separated from its mother? That is totally barbaric.

lol just imagining dad bringing baby over to mum's house every 3 hours in the night!

Um, I think Xenia has just revealed how little she knows about breastfeeding, tbh.

Also we don't arrange contact according to what's "fair", we arrange it according to our current views of what is in the best interests of the child. Views of what's in the best interests of the child change according to research, fashion etc.

I also hate this pretence that mothering and fathering are the same thing. Parents have different functions and different roles in their children's lives and they change according to what lifestage the child/ family / parents are at. It may be that at some stages of their lives, kids are better off being with their mother, at another, better off being with their father, at another, better off being with neither or both. Unfortunately the law is a blunt instrument and can't really take account of shifting needs within families.

Hi everyone, Thank you so much for starting this thread for me and sorry i've taken so long to post, i've been so busy sorting out my court case etc. Sadmummy i'm so glad to hear you got your son back it really gives me hope. I am the mummy in question here. DH and I were married for 3 years and trying to concieve for quite a while. It was a tough pregnancy as I have leiden factor V and had to inject myself daily with blood thinners. I have always been close to my little girl as has her daddy. After I had 4 mc last year my ex husband blamed me stating "you were the baby vessel, I only wanted you for a baby and you can't even do that", he then left. He signed the lease of the flat over to me as we had agreed that DD and I would stay there. She has her own room etc and I am home full time. Aaliyah was with me mon at 4pm to fri at 10am from when we split in March. As stated below, I went to collect DD as per our agreement and DH had basically kidnapped her. I went straight to police and they said they couldn't do anything, I then went to court and placed a prohibited steps order and residency order and DH did so at the same time. The sherriff stated that as I was saying dd was with me mon to fri and dh was saying that she was always with him then he couldn't determine what the status quo was, he would therefore grant interim residency to dh as that was where dd was at the time and give me time with her mon at 4 to wed at 7. Dh is claiming that i am mentally unfit to look after dd as I had PND after she was born and was seeing a psychiatrist. I have since got letters from my gp, psychiatrist, counsellor and hv all stating that I am more than capable of looking after our daughter. I have been trying to keep it so that it's 50 /50 care between us. DH is a fantastic father and I really feel that dd needs him but she also needs her mother. He is currently residing with his parents and sleeping on the couch, dd is sleeping in his sisters room. Dh is also at college and working so how can it possibly be in her best interst to stay there? There has since been a turn around after me getting these letters, Dh and I were supposed to be in court on Thurdsay for the options hearing, however, Dh has offered me an agreement (after refusing mediation when I asked, and we are still on talking terms as I have been more than nice to him) that Aali stays with me mon 6pm - fri 12pm which is practically the original agreement. I am now waiting for it all to go in writing and will not be able to breath properly until it's all legal. I feel that this arrangement is what's best for dd. I have no idea why he suddenly changed his mind nor am I going to ask him until it's all sorted. I'm still pressing ahead with the diovrce tho. I'm hoping for this agreement along with alternative christmas's and 2 weeks of each summer for each parent to have extended stay to take her on holiday etc. I'll keep you all posted and let you know if this agreement actually goes through or if he changes his mind once again. Thanks for all of your support. Hopefully i'll have my wee girl back before her second birthday in March.

Sarah
xxx

hey sarah, not a problem haven't spoke to you in a while .. hope things get sorted soon. sounds like things are looking up for you

and congrats for breaking your mumsnet virginity. (we're much nicer than that bounty lot, we just take a while to get used to, honest }

oh and btw, next time i would urge you to use paragraphs before you get jumped on by some grammar pedants!

we want your entrance to MN to be a smooth one after all don't we!

Aw thanks for welcoming me. Sorry about the lack of paragraphs, went off on a tangent haha.

Spoke to DH today (he popped over for a cup of tea as we had a death in the family last night on his side) and he said he's more than happy to start back with the mon to fri this monday.

I'll let you all know how it pans out.

Take care,
Sarah
xxx