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Original poster

how do i keep all 3 of my children together if i die????

11 replies

babywhiting · 31/12/2006 11:14

Hi can anyone help with the answer to my question? i have 3 children , 2 of them are from my previous marriage of which i am divorced from and my youngest is from my current relationship (we are not married).
if i were to die how do i keep them together my 2 eldest children have contact with their dad but not much as he isn't bothered about them.
my new partner is fantastic with the kids and they call himm daddy and their real dad they call by his name.
i've heard if i were to marry my partner it would help but is this right ? someone know the answer??

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 31/12/2006 11:19

If you die normally your children's father as equal parent will bring them up. I don't know whether they spend 50% of the time with him now or not but he is still their father.

My children's father doesn't see most of them. If I die I have a will and letter of wishes but we couldn't and didn't seek to take away his right to bring up the youngest children. My situation is not that different from yours probably. My younger children would probably want to remain with their virtually adult siblings, 18/20/22 who are much more in practice parents than the father who has chosen not to be involved.

Personally think no one in your position should let your children call their step father daddy as that is in effect lying however and confusing for the children. Would you like it if your children called another woman mother?

In practice any parent that loves their children will want them to keep up relationships with others and your partner may well be able to get some court order to allow the children to see him and their half sibling some of the time. Sometimes families decide it is best children stay with sibilings - bob Geldorf took in his wife's child when both parents died.

Catalepticdru · 31/12/2006 11:19

It would be helpful to be married. I think your DH would only have rights to his ds if he adopted them. In this case I think that you would need to be married and I would have thought that you would need your dc's father's permission as well.
I would definitely seek legal advice and maybe get a will drawn up as well.

Original poster

babywhiting · 31/12/2006 11:25

Hi im sorry but my 2 eldest are 3 and 5 and they want to call my partner daddy it was their choice. my dp does everything for them and they prefer to cuddle him than me mostly as for my ex he only wants the children when it suits him and he didnt phone on xmas day until 5pm which my eldest daughter was disgusted at and upset that she was forgotten. he would never give permission for them to be adopted as he is to nasty.

OP posts:

debgronow · 31/12/2006 11:35

I think it might be worth seeing a solicitor, as you should to make a will - so should your partner. A solicitor would give you advise and get a will made up for you.
You arent married so it would get very complicated if either of you died.

WanderingTrolley · 31/12/2006 11:36

This might be a question of who has parental responsibility rather than who's married to whom.

The answer might be that your current partner would need to adopt your two eldest, though their father may well object to that.

I know children with two mummies or two daddies and no one is confused. It can be a little divisive in a family if, for instance, the youngest used "Daddy" and the elder two used their step father's name.

Judy1234 · 31/12/2006 11:55

DOn't want to side track but to ensure they are not lied to you need to nicely explain whilst smiling - he is not your daddy but he loves you very much. You need to call him "Bert" or whatever it is you agree on. Do you have their father's permission that they call this man daddy and would you be happy your ex's new wife' partner was called mother by them?

Original poster

babywhiting · 31/12/2006 11:59

Hi i have parental responsibility and i know i need to make a will. i have just told dp that we have to get married he said oh gawd i can hear my bankbalance screaming.... so ladies buy a new hat!!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

babywhiting · 31/12/2006 12:03

sorry xenia this is what my children want they know who is who and they are are the ones who tell us. as for my ex's new wife they call her by her name as thats what the children decided.
maybe just maybe this is not the issue and surely if my children are happy with that then thats fine by all,my ex does know and doesnt mind btw!!!
sorry to seem off but im more worried about the kids being kept together iykwim!!!

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 31/12/2006 12:05

If your ex doesn't mind that's fine, sorry.
I also think it's very important that we all as parents certainly do not give children what they want. That is often completely the wrong thing to do.

Original poster

babywhiting · 31/12/2006 19:25

hey its ok i will leave it up to themto decide and i know they will ask me if anything is worrying them!
if anyone is in the same situation as me then please give me your views and any answers you have that will help!

OP posts:

Kaz33 · 31/12/2006 19:43

In a will you can make a statement of guardianship for your children if anything happens to you.

If you do so, then it would seem appropriate to let your ex husband know that is what you have done. He may agree and even put something in writing which would be helpful.

However, as he still has parental responsibility for his children he could change his mind and go to court to get your will overturned.

I was a solicitor though not a family solicitor. I would suggest that you go to a solicitor or at the very least CAB who will be able to give you gospel.

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