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Original poster

Advice please.

23 replies

WhatWasThat · 27/07/2015 21:43

Not really sure how to start this. Hope it makes sense. Here goes. Husband works long hours at manual labour earning okay money about enough to keep us housed and fed. We have 2 children. Very few luxuries, go out once a month maybe less but I'm not complaining. Anyway I recently found a job that allows me to earn a bit of money every month and fits in with school and my parents have dd whilst I work. Very few hours a week not relying on family to have toddler more that 5 hours per week. I initially took this as he had an outstanding debt to pay from a luxury he bought for him and needed help with it but since I've been doing this work circumstances have changed and we don't have this to pay for anymore.

Does anyone think that the money I earn is my money to save and spend as I please seeing as I'm a full time stay at home mum and I keep a clean house and always feed husband on his return from work etc (normal sahm stuff) or do you think it should go straight into joint account to pay bills etc?

Have just broached this with the h and he's flown off the handle. Thinks I'm being selfish. He's just said the private work he does outside of his long term employment is all going into a private pot for him now (he works from 3-7 most evenings after work and earns a fair bit from this but has been paying Christmas credit card off).

Obviously his earning power is more than mine as he's free all day every day to earn. Whereas I am a mother whose full time job is raising our children.

I feel like I'm going a bit insane faced with his ridiculous non understanding and just needed someone else's take on it. I really hope I'm getting my point across for people to understand!

Is this right topic to be posting this on? Sorry if not

OP posts:
DorisLessingsCat · 27/07/2015 21:45

You are being ridiculous unless there is more to the story that you're not telling us.

Original poster
WhatWasThat · 27/07/2015 21:49

In what way? Genuinely want to know opinion reasons please. Wanting my own money or giving it to joint pot in first place?! Sorry am just useless at knowing what's right when it's all a bit crap here anyway.

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AgentProvocateur · 27/07/2015 21:50

No, I don't think that the money you earn is your money - it should yo in the family pot Hmm

DorisLessingsCat · 27/07/2015 21:57

Does all your husband's income go into the family pot?

Babyroobs · 27/07/2015 21:58

Surely all money is joint/ family money. Why don't you put it all in one pot and pay all the household bills and then if there is enough have a small amount of your own spending money each to do what you like with?

GingerCuddleMonster · 27/07/2015 22:01

you have a pot set up by the sounds of things, so yes everything should go in the pot Hmm

you can't ringfence funds for yourself unless DP can also, can't you see that would be unfair to him?

Original poster
WhatWasThat · 27/07/2015 22:01

I guess I'm actually reeling a bit that he spent a substantial amount on his "luxury", shall we say, and I don't have the ability or choice to do that as in his eyes he's the one that works hard and if I wanted that amount of money there's no chance he'd let me spent it. I should have posted in relationships maybe as it's not just the money issue it's the whole not putting much value on my full time sahm job.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatWasThat · 27/07/2015 22:06

Yes I completely see its a two way thing. It'd take me a year to save what he'd do in a month if he was to work all hours spare (if he had the private work that is) and that's what I'm finding a bit difficult, as I'm raising his offspring and I have no extra time to make that money. Not complaining about that as love the sahm thing, but the whole; "I work all the time so hard day in day out surely if I want a treat ( think kit car, not a sodding Mars bar) I can have one?" is a bit confusing to me...

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GingerCuddleMonster · 27/07/2015 22:08

hmm well your going to have to say to him then "in miffed because you bought "luxury" and I've got nothing, all I want is my own "luxury"

DP earns more than me, we have separate pots and he transfers x amount to me to pay for DS. We don't live together. He's always buying expensive items and I never do, though he does offer to purchase "gifts" but I decline as I don't see it as my money.

Your right it's all about the dynamics of the relationship.

DorisLessingsCat · 27/07/2015 22:08

It seems more about decision making and control. If he's spending large amounts of money without consulting you then yes, that is a problem.

glenthebattleostrich · 27/07/2015 22:08

Well you should have equal 'luxury' items so you could argue that you can keep your wages til you reach that amount then it goes in the pot. It's not a case of letting you do anything. You are equal partners, or at least should be.

Ask him how much he thinks childcare for the children would cost, a cleaner and how he would like to be doing half the remaining including cooking, laundry and child drop off and pock ups. Then ask how he'd like to be a weekend parent and paying maintenance.

Original poster
WhatWasThat · 27/07/2015 22:11

It's very hard when you're living it to see it, hence asking for opinions! I'm very hormonal and unreasonable sometimes so like to run things past people before I pipe up. Bah, I'm shite at this stuff.

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GingerCuddleMonster · 27/07/2015 22:14

your going to have to just talk it out, perhaps explain why you would like the money for yourself, he may then see why.

We tend to assume that our partners understand us 80%.of the time but it's very rarely the case. Just put it to him why you want to keep your money, and see what he says. It may be that he's forgotten about his "luxury" or has no real idea on the cost of his "luxuries" and has just thrown a wobble about it all.

CognitiveIllusion · 27/07/2015 22:15

It's a bit confusing in that you say "he works long hours to keep us housed and fed... very few luxuries" so that is why it seems very cheeky for you to want to keep all the money you earn.

But then you mention this "luxury" of his. it certainly isn't fair if he can buy something completely for himself and you can't.

There are lots of different ways for couples to organise money and no single right answer, but neither of the above is right. Personally I think all money should be shared in a marriage.

NeedSpeed · 27/07/2015 22:18

OP, I see where you are coming from.

When couples have children, and the wife/husband makes a huge sacrifice and puts her career on hold or goes part time for the family, then he or she should be compensated for that.

Original poster
WhatWasThat · 27/07/2015 22:21

Yes cog I agree re sharing and I'm happy to joint account it all and have done so far. But after his reaction to me just mentioning this tonight I'm quite shocked and wondered if I was the one being a dick. His treat cost £1500 and was put on credit card. That point I was making is if I wanted that it would never happen. I did buy a dvd in sainsburys the other day though so that's me all looked after for a few months Confused

OP posts:
moggiek · 27/07/2015 22:21

Joint pot.

Sagethyme · 27/07/2015 22:34

So on top of his normal 'job' he does extra private work and keeps the money? So only part of his earning potential is going in the joint account? The rest of his earning go into a pot just for him?
Then I fail to see why you should put your meagre earnings in a joint pot.
Either you both put 100% of earnings in joint account or you agree to both have seprate pots.
It can not be one rule for him and other for you.

Sagethyme · 27/07/2015 22:39

Of course you could get an evening job and he looks after DC whilst you earn, that would perhaps help him re- evaluate his thinking Grin

Original poster
WhatWasThat · 27/07/2015 22:41

Not yet sage, up until tonight (it seems) we have only used our one joint account for all monies earned. And said earning go towards paying off credit card of which a large portion was for his own "thing" he bought. Not a big deal I just wanted him to be happy. I only made a throw away (ish) comment about my full time job being tiring as well tonight and about the money I earn blah blah blah it's so boring I'm really sorry guys Blush And there are people who have nothing and I'm complaining about this. Sorry.

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Original poster
WhatWasThat · 27/07/2015 22:43

Ha ha. He eats, showers, checks emails etc and then sleeps pretty much straight away, I'd love to be able to escape for a few hours to work but would be like leaving children alone. He sleeps though anything...

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annielostit · 28/07/2015 18:29

I have no answer for you but my complete sympathy goes to you.Flowers
I am a sahm with a pension coming in, dh does feck all round the house and if I say there's not enough hours in a day it's
" welcome to my world". Mine does work 60 hours but still gets fed watered and clean stuff on the weekend.

Original poster
WhatWasThat · 28/07/2015 21:10

annie, Flowers back at you x

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