Dealing with a financialy irresponsible dad

[Seaton1985]

I'm really struggling with my day 7 years ago he lost the family home to the bank and over the next two years wasted what money was left on opening a shop that failed and had all the stock repossessed! He's since been diagnosed with anxiety and depression but won't take the medication for this. He can't hold down a job and constantly wastes money on buying and selling crap! He calls me when my mums not home and husbands at work and asks to borrow money, ranging from £20 to £1000 when I have lent him it he never pays it back and I end up having to ask and getting drubs and drabs back. He lies about what's the moneys for and makes me feel horrid when I say no to him. I just don't know what to do anymore my mum suffers on with him but she works full time and I don't want to burden her with the extra stress of telling her what he's doing. he's just asked for £250 for council tax and I've said no! He starts off been all down and depressed then turns nasty saying "fuck them they'll just have to wait for it" then goes into how work aren't paying him and he's been taxed to much! I feel guilty for my husband having a good job and been able to have spare money. But I don't know how to cope with my dad anymore he's a drain on the family as all his problems are caused by him and him not been able to save to pay the bills first! Sorry this is a ramble but I'm just beyond knowing what to do

To start with, don't give him any more money.

he is going to you as he knows you are a softy and will cave in . Trying the excuses then the pleading then the angry.
Do not feel guilty , don't give homn any more money and I hope your mum keeps him on a shoestring until he learns how to manage money. There is help out there for people like him but it sounds to me that he is not interested!

stop giving him money. You can only feel guilty if you allow it. Keep telling yourself that you aren't helping him by keep bailing him out. Doing that is what has kept him where he is all these years. He needs to properly face the full consequences of his actions.

He has no right to your money. His love for you should not be conditional upon you giving him money and if all you are to him is a wallet - he doesn't deserve you.

If you feel that you cannot stand firm against him - hand over your bank cards to your husband for a while. I wouldn't normally say that because it's not good, but if that enables you to say no, then it's perhaps worth a try.

You must tell your mum. I assume they are together? You are withholding her financial information from her. That is wrong.

(I'd get your thread moved to the relationships board.)

Have you taked to your mum about is at all, do you know if she has taken over the family finances?
If she is resonsible and needs help budgeting that is something practical you can do to help her. But if she is happy to let your Dad be responible after what has happened I really don't think it is something you can fix, and continuing to lend him money is just putting a sticking plaster on their money problems. And be very clear with yourself they are their problems not yours, only they can fix them.

Personally I would either go no contact with him, or tell him if he asks you for money again you will stop contact with him and your Mum (that way you both know where you stand), or you could say you have your own money worries so will not be lending money to anyone in the future.

Good luck

I agree with purplemurple, this thread might be better off moved to relationships.

Stop giving him money. He is a grown man and responsible for himself. The fact that your husband has a well paid job is irrelevant. You were right to say no to the 250 for council tax.

He lies to you and makes you feel horrid. He is a drain on the family and makes you feel guilty. You don't need any of that in your life. Stop giving him money and distance yourself.

Hello Seaton

He may say it is for council tax, but he may be gambling, drinking, unwise investments, other woman etc

DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE MONEY - NOT ONE MORE £1 !

His life is his responsibility

If he does not pay his council tax, he should suffer the consequences

You dont need to feel guilty

I would tell your mother

Stay strong