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Original poster

Should I give them money?

22 replies

primulaprimulina · 02/04/2015 22:18

My late grandparents were loving caring people who loved all of their children and grandchildren dearly and equally. My brother and me were two of those grandchildren, my 6 cousins made up the rest. I have recently acquired a large sum of money and because I've always been a very kind person and enjoy helping others out, I intend to share it with my family including my cousins. However, 4 of my 6 cousins are the most uncaring, unhelpful, selfish people you could ever wish to meet and I begrudge giving them a single penny. But if I was to exclude some or all of my cousins, I feel I would be letting down my grandparents who, as I have already said, loved us all dearly and equally. I feel I’d be letting down my mother also, because after all, my cousins are her sister’s children (my mother’s nephews and nieces). Am I being too generous, should I put myself first, I really do not know what to do. Any advice would be very much appreciated

OP posts:

Trooperslane · 02/04/2015 22:22

Why would you help people who aren't nice and are selfish? It's your cash, spend it wisely on people you know will appreciate it.

mioxx · 02/04/2015 22:23

Is the money linked to the grandparents or your family in anyway that you feel obligated to share it to others linked?

Original poster

primulaprimulina · 02/04/2015 22:29

No the money is not connected to any other family member.

OP posts:

MiaFarrowsWheelbarrow · 02/04/2015 22:37

Are you able to pro-rata your gift in some way so that your "favourite" relatives get a larger share and the others can have a token amount?

MargotLovedTom · 02/04/2015 22:42

You wouldn't be letting your grandparents down! You don't like these people so why give them money? Good grief.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/04/2015 22:43

The money didn't come from your grandparents so why would you randomly share your money with people you don't like

If I call you a twat can you send me 50 quid

vulgarwretch · 02/04/2015 22:48

If I acquired a large amount of money I might give some to my sister, but it wouldn't even enter my head to give any to my cousins. And they are all quite lovely.

I think you are being over-generous. They won't appreciate it, they'll probably think you should have given them more.

RabbitSaysWoof · 02/04/2015 22:52

I wouldn't share it, it's not family money if it came from another source

AlpacaMyBags · 02/04/2015 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allalonenow · 02/04/2015 23:30

I think you should look after your own close family, brother, parents if they are still with you, DP and children. No need to distribute money to your cousins.

If you don't have children yet, save a good proportion of your money to secure a bright and happy future for them, far more beneficial than throwing it away on people who you do not like and who would probably show you no gratitude.

CliveCussler · 02/04/2015 23:37

I agree with pp. There doesn't seem to be any reason for you to share this windfall with your cousins. But maybe for old-times sake why not pay for something like a family holiday, day out, or other one-off event for all your extended family and keep the rest for yourself.

We often have get-togethers with our grandparents in mind, even though they are long gone.

SavoyCabbage · 02/04/2015 23:55

You wouldn't be letting anyone down. Neither your mother or your grandparents.

Perhaps you could take everyone out for a meal or even a holiday together. If family is as important to the others as it is to you, then they would all enjoy this togetherness.

There are lots of good things you could do with the money if you wanted to honour your family members. Have you seen the film 'a small gift'? It's about child sponsorship.

Perhaps give yourself a timescale before making any decision. A year. Or two.

Maliceafirethought · 03/04/2015 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emwithme · 03/04/2015 00:19

I would rather give some money to charity than give it to some of my hideous relatives. Two of my sisters would get some and that's it.

I would rather give some of my money to Nigel Chuffing Farage than some of my relatives. Two cousins would get some (the other 20-odd could sod off). My brothers could FOTTFSOFATFOSM before I even contemplated giving them any.

It's your money. Do what you want with it.

BackforGood · 03/04/2015 00:26

Like everyone else, I'm puzzled why you think you should give money to grown cousins that you don't even like
You've said it's not inherited from their grandparents - so why on earth would you think there was any obligation to share it with them ?

If you have difficulty 'sitting' on a large sum of money and wish to gift some, or all of it, then surely you can think of several good causes / charities close to your heart that would benefit.
or
Here's an idea - keep it, or spend it on yourself and those close to you.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 03/04/2015 03:58

It will change the dynamics of the relationships that you have with people if you shared your windfall. You have already stated that they are unpleasant so why give them the money, if the situation was reversed I can guarantee that your cousins wouldn't even consider sharing with you.

Pay off any debts that you have, pay off a chunk of your mortgage if you have one, share with immediate family, buy premium bonds, buy a rental property to save towards your retirement, go on holiday Tec. These are all the things that I would do if I got a windfall, sharing with my toxic cousins doesn't feature on my list.

You can't predict the future so you don't know what's in store for you, there may come a time when you might really need the money & wish you hadn't been so generous. I would use this as an opportunity to secure your financial future as you have been given a gift so don't squander it on worthless people.

fluffapuss · 03/04/2015 11:52

Hello Primula

Your sentiments about sharing the money among family are lovely. I like how you feel that it is the spirit of your mother & grand parents.

I would be tempted to decide on a small amount per person/cousin write cheque & letter saying this is a one off gift to be spent as you wish. Perhaps send it on their birthday or Christmas.

I would also donate a small amount to a charity of your choice

There is a new "trend" of random acts of kindness. Example my friend & his family were on holiday, when they went to pay for their meal, the waiter said, someone unknown to them who had left the restaurant had already paid for their meal. The idea is that my friend will now do a random act of kindness for someone else at their own time of choosing, even in 10-50 years time...

Suggest read this www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2290004/Samantha-Manns-Ohio-teen-does-89-random-acts-kindness-memory-great-grandmothers-89-years.html

Then pay off your debts, spend some, save some

Good luck

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 11:57

Is this money that you have earned, inherited or won?

I have no idea why you feel obliged to give your horrible cousins anything at all. I imagine that whatever you gave them wouldn't be enough, anyway, and you'd be harassed for more.

Sort yourself out first. Make yourself financially safe. Then treat your brother. I wouldn't feel any obligation to give any cousin money, no matter how much I had or how I'd earned it. If you are close friends, too, then maybe, but not just because they are cousins.

Original poster

primulaprimulina · 03/04/2015 21:09

Wow! Thanks everyone for your fantastic replies. Your advice has been very helpful and I think I now know how to handle this. I'm gonna wait a while as suggested by SavoyCabbage and although I'm gonna give to all my cousins (even the bad ones) the amount is gonna be far far less than I was originally considering with maybe a little holiday-get-together (again suggested by SavoyCabbage). The majority of the money however shall be split among my very close family, invested and of course a few donations to my favourite animal welfare charities. Further replies are of course still welcome. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

chanie44 · 04/04/2015 09:43

I grew up close to my cousins and they are lovely people. If I came into money, I'd give some to my sister and children. I'd like to treat my cousins, but it would be a more nominal sum for a meal out or something. I think they be over the moon with that.

I agree with waiting before making a decision though.

Seriouslyffs · 04/04/2015 09:48

Why the rush to give it away? How old are you? Do you have children? Might you have them in the future? Do you own your property? You may well regret giving a penny away if not.

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2015 15:05

4 of my 6 cousins are the most uncaring, unhelpful, selfish people you could ever wish to meet and I begrudge giving them a single penny

OP, stop being a martyr, for goodness sake! Why would you give them a penny? They are selfish and uncaring and unhelpful! Why give them anything? If you insist on giving your money away, why not give the six cousins' share to your two nice cousins?

In any event, I'd suggest you don't give anyone anything for a year or so, until you have worked out what you will need yourself.

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