He married me for a visa

[kikki]

I fell in love with a Jamaican man that I was introduced to by a mutual friend. I foolishly thought that he loved me and in the course of a four year relationship have given him over 100K. We have a son together that he does not bother to maintain and doesn't bother to see. He has two children in Jamaica and I have recently learnt one on the way with a woman from Nottingham. We are still married and I want to know if he is able to remain in the UK (he got indefinite leave to remain after one year of marriage to me). It seems very unfair that he would be able to bring his children to settle here from Jamaica when he has one child and another one the way and has left both mothers to be single parents.
If I get divorced can I get any maintenance out of him or retrieve some of my money?
He knowingly tricked me into marriage and encouraged me to become pregnant to make it look more convincing to the home office. He has lied and to Nottingham council that he is homeless an d they gave him a council flat, when there are several people in genuine need.
He has been let into Britain to cause mass destruction in the lives of innocent women and without a care in the world feels sure that he will not be made to go back to the life of poverty he led in Jamaica.
I have been used and abused and it seems there is nothing I can do. I have lived for the past 6 months in a women's refuge because of him and his abuse to myself and our son and yet he walks scot free.
I do not think that it is right that the home office can access the validity of a relationship after one year. They have now changed the ruling to two years but that is still not long enough for your partner to prove himself.
I was tricked into marriage and taken for a ride and I have no recourse.
Does anyone have any suggestions?

He sunds like an absolute wanker and you sound like you hVE SUFFERED TERRIBLY BUT I CAn't buy that a woman can be 'tricked' into marriage.

Still sympathise hugely.
He should be kicked out tomorrow.

What a tosser! Not sure what you can do though. But surely you can chase him for maintenance through the CSA?

I would ask for divorce and try to get a good maintenance as any other woman divorcing a man of any nationality would do. Sorry, but you can't deport a person just in terms of marriage failure, especially after a 4 years long relationship.

As for him "being let into Britain to cause mass destruction in the lives of innocent women..." sorry to be blunt but... it was you who let him in. I agree that what he has done to you is awful but you can not expect the Home Office to evaluate your marriage, they trusted what you "said" by filling those applications.

Of course a woman can be tricked into marriage! All the tosser has to do is tell you he loves you and wants to marry you. Unless you're a mind-reader, how are you supposed to know if he's genuine?
Can he be charged with fraud?

My friend also had a bad experience with a man like this. She did not marry him but did have two children by him. Later to disicver there were many more children with several other women.

Happily she is now married to a lovely man who treats her with respect and has had 3 more children with him. He has also adopted her first two. She has cut off all ties with their father who was 'unreliable' (monetary and emotionally for the children and her).

Just wanted to let you know that things can and will get better

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

you dont "maintain" a child you love one

telling off over

advice

pick a nice little town
quiet
peacefull
good schools an people
pack a bag ,get your boy

an move to it
away from him... your old life...bad memories..
it dosnt have to be hundreds of miles away from where you are now,best if it is tho tbh

you should drop all thoughts of revenge on this man, getting him deported etc,wont happen,an will only get you in to more grief than your currently feeling/in.

to quote a phrase
"choose life"

you can have a different life, another life than your living now
and live it.... and enjoy it with your boy and have your future,
for you can have a different one to the one your on the road to now....
I will look for your posts....good luck..

there are 2 jamaican blokes that my dp works with who sounds very simular to your exp, the 1 has a girlfriend in jamaica who lives with his mom and dad there with their 3 children, over here he is married with 4 children, has bits on the side and another girlfiend who has just found found out she is pregnant,

the other one has 2 children in jamaica (the 2 blokes are best buds and grew up together in jamaica then moved to here together) he lives with his girlfiend who they have 2 children together, left his wife and 1 child for this girlfiend, has another girlfriend who they have a 3 month baby with and another woman who is about to drop any time now.

god only knows how they get away with it all, espessialy the 2nd bloke as this will be his 2nd paternity leave this year, and how all the women dont find know about each other, im sure the day will soon come when they will get unravelled, not much advice sorry but couldnt beleave the simularitys in them all.

kikki,
you must be feeling pretty bitter right now, and I dont blame you.
BUT to keep things in perspective:

he has got 2 children in the UK, therefore humanity dictates that he should be free to come and see them and work here. Thats just logical, whether he lied to you or not.

2nd point is, there are tossers all over the place who lie to women, hit them and abandon them, and try to get out of paying maintenance. The visa thing is only one more aspect to it all.

There are many people who will marry for dual reasons, ie a visa and a genuine marriage. They will take more risk, because they know that if the marriage doesnt work, they still have the visa. What I am saying is, that even though the visa may be a motive, you cant always say that it was 100% the motive.

It is deeply wrong, imo, to increase the waiting time for a permanent visa, because of a small number of fraudsters. It may lead to people staying trapped in unhappy marriages, because they will lose their job and home and country if they divorce. Some of these people may be women, btw.

You can write to the Home Office and explain why you feel conned, and tell them the evidence that he tricked you into marriage. I am not sure if there is provision for them to take back a permanent visa if they believe that it was gained by fraud. But I would only do this, if I thought that he would never contribute anything positive to his children, and that he was a continuing danger to them or to you.

You should definitely be able to get maintenance out of him, just the same as for any British resident, citizen or not.

Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic. I really do feel for you, and hope you have better luck in the future. It is very hard to give everything in a relationship, and then get kicked in the teeth. At least you have come out of the relationship with a son, and it sounds as though your ex doesnt value the love and respect of his son that is his loss in the long run.

Hi
Thanks for the advice. I want to go to live in America but I can't go without his consent or he can accuse me of kidnap. I have alot of family and support in America but because I married this man, I am trapped her. It is nice to hear stories of hope. I do not feel in a place of hope at all. I understand that he should have the right to see his children but there is no reason why he can't return to Jamaica and live with them again. He is not providing this country with a valuable service. He is hardly settled with a family here. He has no relations here apart from his son, who he doesn't bother with. He hops from one woman to another 'til they find out what he is like. It seems a pretty safe bet that his Jamaican children will have involvement with social services due to his lackadasical approach to child care (which is the norm in Jamaica).
It seems that I am just getting the same message, which is to move on and don't look back. As a pal said - delete him from your hard drive. I only wished I had found out about Mum's net sooner, before I drove several friends away who were sick of my being depressed because of him.

Rant away as much as you like on here!
About going to America, wouldnt he have to give a good reason for not allowing you to go?

For example, if he pays maintenance, and sees his children regularly, then it would clearly cause grief to him and the children if you went.

But, if you can show that he doesnt pay maintenance, and doesnt see his children, then why should he have any say about where you go? In this case, just keep quiet about your plans and gather evidence.

Why dont you get some advice from a solicitor, to find out what your options are?

hi - Cut as many ties as you can, move on. Easier said that done, but... he doesnt sounds wonderful! I pressume you are "self sufficient" - house, income etc? Get to a solicitors and get a divorce rolling... he'll have to sell the car and give you 1/2 the money in the divorce. Make sure you "hide" any money you have, and assets. Id take out cash, then put it in a parents or relatives account? Same with belongings. Not sure entirely how much goes through divorce, but, it seems unfair for you to have to give more to this man.

Message withdrawn

Echo cowmad- 'choose life' and don't let him ruin any more of your life

Message withdrawn

Again to put the other side of the coin, "I only married you for the visa" is exactly the kind of thing that gets flung around when a couple splits up.

Of all the couples I have met where one person came into the UK on a visa, there is only 1 that I know for sure was a completely visa-based marriage. And my sympathies were actually with the visa seeker, because the British citizen was bullying their spouse so much. That person really paid for their visa, believe me.

sorry kikki, a diversion from your thread.

Message withdrawn

Hi Kikki,
my daughter's father's family are Jamaican and whilst I do have every sympathy with you if feel you have been tricked.
I do however feel a little sad at your statement
'lackadasical approach to child care (which is the norm in Jamaica)'
My daughter's family could not be more supportive to me and I feel that's a bit of a harsh statement that is also quite offensive.

Unless he commits a crime, he's here to stay.

You can try to get maintenance, but I think you'd have a hard time proving he 'tricked' you into giving him the money.

Sorry.

Hi
Just been reading your messages. I am sorry that I offended you curlysmum. I am of carribean desent myself. I was only remarking on my husband's approach and that of his mother, his absent father and his the vast majority of his friends that, though it may be hard to believe are worse than him. He has never brought me home any diseases (unlike three of his friends wives have had), he does not take or sell drugs, he is not involved in any criminal activity, I think that perhaps because he has never had any good role models around him, he can't or doesn't know how to make a change. I have three Jamaican friends who, I have met independantly of him and they are very nice people. I sincerely apologise for this remark. Perhaps I should have said that my husband and is associates have a bad approach to parenting and not used the blanket term 'Jamaican'.
Thanks to everyone for the advice it really helps.

i dont intend this comment to cause offence to anyway but bloody hell - aren't the Jamaican men you speak of incredibly fertile/horny! I imagine very possibly they actually cant keep track of their children/partners

Don't think of yourself as a victim if possible. Eventually you will unravel the mess but I bet your child is lovely and you can just think that your husband was a good stud if nothing else and that is worth alot

Hi Rosespookily,
Thinking of him as a good stud made me laugh alot. It's true I have a lovely, polite, handsome little boy that strangers are always complimenting me on. Even his father(I use the term loosely) said that people say that he is 'full of manners' ( a Jamaican term for polite) and he replies it's not down to me, it's down to the mother. The sad part is my son idolises his Daddy and as no men are in his life, he clings onto any man that he meets i.e. the gas man, the meter reader, a barber, my friends boyfriends or husbands etc.
I don't think that I feel like a victim, I think life is unfair sometimes but I am grateful for my little lot and he hasn't taken my son, my health, my brain, my limbs etc and I can survive this. Thanks for all the messages of support I intend to heed your advice.

kiki - I have a friend who is divorcing her husband, she is american and has family in America. Her solicitor has told her that if she wants to move back home then there is very little her soon to be ex can do about it as she is going to be main carer and she has family in America.

And this is a dad who loves, sees his children and will pay no doubt maintenance for them. I don't think your husband has a chance...

Get divorced, go to America and as Cod says choose life. Best thing is to take things one thing at a time, don't say well there are all these impendiments, how will we live, survive, will my son forgive me etc... Deal with one thing, get divorced, emigrate and everything will fall into place.

kiki...how are you?

ps.kas 33 cod didnt say chose life...me an wham did!!

Kiki go for sole custody. You can prove he's been abusive to both you and ds. Then as people have said leave it all behind you and go and make a wonderful new life for you and your son in the States. I'll watch for your posts too. I'm living in the US at the moment and loving it.