Fair division of money (+ with a view to the future)

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

I emigrated to my DP's (fiancé's) country in order to be with him just over two years ago. I worked for 7 months of that time, but the rest has involved him supporting me, partly as part of the general 'deal' that seems natural when one person uproots themselves and has to deal with a new country, culture, language, etc - I have worse chances of employment than most people in this country because of my not being a native and not being as fluent in the language as a native (though I have worked extremely hard at it and have come far - more on that in a minute), so trying to get a job is extra soul-destroying, and DP has helped me keep that to a minimum. Culture shock is enough without added pressures, humiliations and rejections.

We have around a £1000 cushion left over in DP's savings account but otherwise we have been living month to month the past year, during which I have been picking up some qualifications I needed and working on the language, for the Main Goal:

I start a 6-year degree here - taught in the language in question! - very shortly, and I will be entitled to monthly student grants after a (hopefully) short delay while we wait on some bureaucracy. The degree will result in me having a well-paid, secure job at the end. Our monthly finances during my degree will be as follows (currency translated roughly for ease of comparison):

DP after tax: £1100
My student grant after tax: £500
Rent, food, phones, travel, etc: £1000

I scribbled some different ways of doing this, and we came down to two options (feel free to suggest others!):

1: The equal spending money option

Me: contribute £200, end with £300
DP: contribute £800, end with £300

2: The slightly more proportional option

Me: contribute £250, end with £250 (so contributing 50% of my income)
DP: contribute £750, end with £350 (so contributing 68% of his income)

DP initially preferred option 2. I preferred option 1, as it seemed fairer (if we're both full-time with what we're doing, and I'm studying to ensure us both a higher standard of living in future).

DP has now said that whatever I choose, he will be pissed off if I don't want the same deal once I'm working in my well-paid profession and am thus the higher earner. In many ways I agree with this. I have also said that if we go for equal spending money, I can't imagine being a [profession] and having significantly more spending money than my significant other. I can't imagine having (say) £800 a month to spend on whatever I like, while DP has to save up for three months (or whatever) to afford the same thing. Genuinely cannot imagine being happy living like that.

However, it is true that the gap in earnings will be significantly more at that point, and he suspects I will resent being the one pretty much paying all the bills (were our outgoings to remain the same as now, which obviously is not going to happen, but still) while he more or less keeps his entire paycheque. But we treat our money as pooled already, despite it being in separate accounts, so I can't really see how this is likely.

I have suggested that we go for equal spending money, but that I contribute more of my first two to three months of grant so as to help him feel like I'm 'paying him back' somewhat for the past year of support, so he can top up his savings account and feel comfortable again. He has poopooed this idea (but not the equal spends - he just doesn't want me to feel obliged pay him back like that).

To complicate things further, I will likely be trying to work part time after the first semester, but that would only bring in up to £300 a month after tax I should think, and I can choose to take out a student loan each month of up to £300, but he doesn't like the idea of more debt (but I will be doing it if I feel like I need to and I feel like I'm in it for the long haul and not liable to drop out). For his part, DP can (and sometimes does) work overtime for some extra cash, say £100 in a month.

Help?

In the early days of our relationship, we worked out the % of the joint income we were each bringing in, and contributed that % to the joint expenses. So you are bringing in £500 of £1100, so about 31% - you should pay 31% of the bills (so £310) and he pays £690. You'd be left with about £190 and he'd be left with £410.

The only caveat to that is what did you give up to be with him? Also I agree that its swings and roundabouts - if you agree that this is a way that works for you as a couple, you shouldn't try to change the goalposts when you start earning more etc.

We carried on like this until we got married and then everything went into a pot, and we had equal spending money.

Sorry meant to say you are bringing in £500 of £1600 which is where I got 31% from!

I would go for option A but also agree with your DP that if you are having equal spending money now then that has to stay that way once you are earning more.

It might be less worrisome for him if you have a joint account into which all money goes and then you pay yourselves spending money back into you own accounts. Joint expenses are paid from the joint account, money left over goes into a joint savings account. That way there is no mine and your's but our, and when the amount going into the joint goes up, then the spending money you pay yourselves also goes up, or the amount you save to the joint savings goes up and so on.

Thanks for the responses so far guys.

mandy214, I'm not really sure what the logic is behind us contributing the relevant % if you seem to have switched to equal spending money upon getting married? We're looking for the fairest solution, and you almost seem to be suggesting that the fairest solution is something you do once married, but not before?

We'll quite possibly be getting married at the point I finish my degree (possibly sooner but not necessarily), in which case the whole idea of keeping the set-up the same when he's the higher earner and when I'm the higher earner goes completely out of the window according to your model.

Rockchick1984 Thanks for your opinion.

IssyStark, so your vote is for equal spending money? DP isn't worried about how the accounts are set up or anything like that. Virtually all bills come out of his account, currently all money goes into his account. When I get my student grant I'll be deducting the few things I pay from the amount I owe to the joint pot, and transferring that over to his account.

Anyone else? I'm really looking for help deciding what is fair to us both in both scenarios (me student, him earning most; me earning most by a bigger margin).

No, thats not necessarily what I meant. I think there was a way of managing the finances when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend - where neither of us wanted to feel like they were subsidising the other (which would have happened I think if the higher earner ended up with exactly the same spending money because they were paying all the bills whilst the other partner went off to retrain without some kind of commitment that it was for the benefit for us both in the future) and dividing the bills as a % of our income seemed a fair way of doing that. Most of our friends did a similar thing.

Once we were married, the goal posts changed because all the money became family money - we were saving up for maternity leave / children etc, everything except for a couple of hundred pounds each went into the "family" pot.

OK, fair enough mandy214, thanks for the clarification.

We're not 'just' boyfriend and girlfriend though as said, I gave up my life in the UK to start one here with my DP, which obviously moves the goalposts somewhat as well, we've been together for going on 3.5 years, and it is definitely accepted that I'm doing this degree to benefit us both (unless we happen to break up obviously, in which case I have discussed with him that I would probably feel the need to make sure he had something of a cushion to replace some of the money he would have saved up had he been living alone during my six years of studies, but he doesn't expect anything of that nature, it would just be a case of me deciding what I feel is fitting and realistic while not being patronising).

The alternative to me not going back to uni is me struggling to find minimum wage jobs for more or less the rest of my time in this country. The standard education level is higher than in the UK. Even if I had a BA/BSc it wouldn't necessarily get me graduate level jobs.

Basically I'm more looking for how to fairly split the money in either situation if you assume we're married and our money is joint, as we consider it joint already - within the limits of the discussion of how much of the leftover money goes to whom when there's a disparity in our respective incomes.

In that scenario, the general consensus seems to be equal spending money, then. I suppose the way to minimise disputes is to have a set amount earmarked for joint house stuff each month, a set amount for joint savings, etc, so that if one person feels that an expense is unnecessary (I'm thinking one person feeling a need to replace the microwave while the other thinks it's fine for now, one person wanting to get a new sofa, etc) then there's already a set amount to point to and say that we've got enough (or nearly enough) in the kitty for that purpose. Rather than having to convince the other person to part with some of their spending money to cover 50% of a purchase they're not particularly interested in?

I suppose the way to minimise disputes is to have a set amount earmarked for joint house stuff each month, a set amount for joint savings, etc, so that if one person feels that an expense is unnecessary

Smila that's why I was suggesting everything goes into the joint so all money is joint and from that joint pot, 'spending money' (I would vote for an equal amount) is given to each individual at a level which means there's enough left in the joint to cover all bills and a bit spare.

Ah, IssyStark, now I'm starting to see the sense in a joint account!

I kind of figured we'd pay bills, put a set amount in savings (whether that be his savings account, mine or both) and then split the rest, and decide on miscellaneous items as and when, rather than have a set amount of spending money each month and leave the rest in a joint account. Though I suppose we'll still need to budget for items for us both to be happy on amounts spent on given things.

Hmm, certainly things to consider...