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Original poster

DH lied about having a pension - should I be as worried as I am?

46 replies

williaminajetfighter · 29/10/2014 07:45

I've been with DP for many years but he hasn't been very open about finances and only recently have we established a joint back account and have I started to encourage proper discussions and transparency regarding our finances and financial planning esp with 2 DC now. DP likes to keep his head in the sand...

Anyway DP told me he always puts money into a pension but apparently not. Turns out he has NOTHING in his pension and NO SAVINGS at all - he is 52 and has been working for over 30 years but admitted that he didn't think he could ever 'afford it' - his salary at the moment is circa 40k. Since starting a pension a few months ago he now has 400 pounds which will pay out - ta da - 5 pounds a day! Whether it's savings or pensions realistically he would now need to put away about 2/3 of his income every month to have any semblance of a nest egg.

I am absolutely gutted and have been worrying for months about this. He doesn't know why I'm so aggrieved but to me it's because I will have to 'carry him' in my old age and it impacts on the DC and what we can give him. I'm also cross that he lied and couldn't sort out his finances after our first DC came along (8 years ago!)

Would you be equally cross??? I don't know what to do - it puts SO much pressure on me and I now worry how we'll afford to send DC to Univ if they want to go.

OP posts:
ssd · 29/10/2014 07:47

I think you are worrying about the wrong thing.

Bowlersarm · 29/10/2014 07:51

Yes I'd be cross and yes I'd be worried. I'd be furious he had lied to me-why did he? And i would be worried financially. He really needs to start putting money away in a pension even if he thinks he can't afford it. It's never too late, it's just costlier.

chicaguapa · 29/10/2014 07:51

I'd be livid at the dishonesty and apparent inability to grasp the simple concept of finances. But I wouldn't worry about how you'll support your DC. Concentrate on how you'll be able to live in retirement or avoid having to work until you're 80! Have you got any retirement savings?

Original poster
williaminajetfighter · 29/10/2014 07:52

SSD - I probably am. He said he 'thought' he had paid into a pension but if he didn't sort it or get the annual paperwork about it then clearly he didn't. He is clueless about money and hates having to deal with these issues. I think he thinks the state will take care of him in his old age. sigh.

OP posts:
Aimey · 29/10/2014 07:53

I don't think I'd be as cross as you, tbh, but it is not nice that he lied (or did he just not really realise - I had an ex who never opened bank statements because he knew it would be bad). I don't think I would feel a pressure the way you do. The future is too unknown for that.

However, a wise friend of mine, father of 5, pointed out that DC can go to university entirely under their own steam. While it is nice to be able to help them afford it, they can do it for themselves.

Do you mean £5 a month? £5 a day wouldn't be that bad...

What to do? See a good IFA, discuss your own viewpoints, his being as valid as yours, and decide how you are going to go on from here. No point worrying now about what has passed.

And do you have any equity in your house that will be releasable by downsizing in time?

Life is too short and valuable for you to waste yours overworrying about this. Just make a plan now.

Original poster
williaminajetfighter · 29/10/2014 07:53

The issue is complicated by the fact that I'm meant to inherit quite a substantial sum (circa 5m) in the next 5-10 years. So I think he thinks I will look after him. I am 99% sure I am going to leave him over this - our relationship is shit and I'm certainly not interested in carrying someone I don't love into old age.

OP posts:
Aimey · 29/10/2014 07:54

Re. your second post - he's not wrong really. In the UK, the state will indeed meet your basic needs in your old age.

Original poster
williaminajetfighter · 29/10/2014 07:55

Although I should add my inheritance is in no way guaranteed as father's finances change all the time based on his random investments and throwing money about - which is why I am NOT counting on that money and need to ensure I am sorted myself. the amount is 5 pounds per month. Enough for a coffee at costa! And maybe a donut.

OP posts:
Original poster
williaminajetfighter · 29/10/2014 07:56

Aimey I think the state will be bankrupt in 10years and won't have the level of social or elderly care we'd expect. Why anyone would PLAN for the state to look after them is beyond me when they could have planned an alternative.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 29/10/2014 07:59

Well I can kind of see if you are set to inherit £5,000,000 he may not be too worried about paying into a pension. Puts a different light on it, although this shows everyone they should look after themselves financially as your planning on separating.

Fairylea · 29/10/2014 07:59

You don't seem to act as a couple financially. If things were good between you all income would be pooled and bills paid from this and spending money then split equally between you. The pension thing is annoying but its a bit of a red herring - if you are inheriting a large sum and your relationship was good surely you'd both plan to use this for retirement? I wouldn't have an issue sharing it with my dh for example. It all seems very resentful and separate.

Aimey · 29/10/2014 08:00

See, that's drip feeding. So, you don't actually have a worry about maintaining a reasonable standard of living in your old age, and helping DC get going in life. There is no pressure on you to provide. This is all about him not "pulling his weight", and being deceitful/ignorant of his pension situation. These are important matters. This should be in Relationships and not Money Matters, imho. I don't know where you start really.

43percentburnt · 29/10/2014 08:00

Do you mean £5 a day, a week, a month or a year?

UnwittingAccomplice · 29/10/2014 08:04

You don't love him. He lied to you. You want to leave him. Details about the exact finances probably don't matter so much, it sounds like the final straw for you.

I agree with you that ensuring your own financial security and looking after yourself (not expecting someone else to pick up the bill) is part of being an adult. I'd be furious too.

43percentburnt · 29/10/2014 08:04

I would look to split prior to your inheritance being received.

I think his lack of planning and saving is down to his assumption that your dad's excellent planning and saving will fund his (your dh) old age. I guess if you split up with him he may then start worrying about his lack of plans!

Letthemtalk · 29/10/2014 08:05

If my dp was going to inherit £5m I'm the next 5-10 years I wouldn't be worried about my pension. I don't think money is the issue, what is the issue is that you would consider that using your money to support the family would be carrying him.

Eastpoint · 29/10/2014 08:06

I would be really disappointed & upset too. The lack of thought & irresponsibility together with lying over an extended period would make me reevaluate my relationship. Is this the final straw to break the camel's back?

Humansatnav · 29/10/2014 08:08

Oh love, he sees you as his jackpot lotto ticket. He lied , you don't love him.
You know what you have to do - and you need to do it before your inheritance comes.

ihatethecold · 29/10/2014 08:18

The person that said £5 per day is not that bad!
Really?
That's £35 per week.
Who could live off that?

Original poster
williaminajetfighter · 29/10/2014 08:20

Thx for all your comments. I am of course worried about £ as I could inherit a lot or nothing depending how reckless my dad is with £ over the next few years! But everyone is right - it is a relationship issue and one more reason why the relationship is going downhill. It is the proverbial 'straw'...

Btw I do think putting £ aside for DC Uni is important as fees will be very high by 2030.. And the student loans company - already on its knees - will not exist in the form that it currently does. The level of grants or slc paying for tuition for student in advance will probably stop. (A friend works for student loans co so heard it from her.)

OP posts:
Original poster
williaminajetfighter · 29/10/2014 08:22

The amt works out to £5 per month or per year so not ideal. I know people could live off the state pension alone but it's still not very much £ and doesn't give you much freedom in your old age.

OP posts:
Aimey · 29/10/2014 08:28

ihatethecold I meant not that bad considering he's only been paying in for a few months. And on top of state pension. Most retired people do not have full housing costs either (either paid off mortgage or get housing benefit for renting). Most. I think it's unlikely it's £5 a day (weird figure to quote for a start, pw or pm more likely).

Aimey · 29/10/2014 08:38

willamina I do agree about saving for uni help (we certainly are, started when they were born with just a little each month), but there will always be mechanisms for students to afford it without. I just think it's better for your health and wellbeing not to actively stress about it.

With that sort of inheritance, and depending on your relationship with your father of course, it would be well for your father to look into tax efficient ways of passing it on (maybe he already has). Into trust now for your kids for example could bypass one lot of tax along the way (IHT and CGT issues in passing it along twice) - probably wrong with this in detail - but the point is there are tax-efficient ways of passing on that sort of money but it needs expert advice, and asap as the longer between setup and death the better for tax (sorry, that sounds harsh but I'm just thinking about the financials here).

FishWithABicycle · 29/10/2014 08:39

If your relationship was strong and happy it would be entirely reasonable for neither of you to bother about pensions given your expectations. If he's an untrustworthy liar who you don't love, ltb and then his pension arrangements are none of your concern.

TimeWarp · 29/10/2014 08:44

I don't think the inheritance is a drip feed. Inheritances are NEVER certain and people should treat their own finances as if there was no inheritance. If williamina's DP is relying on it to see him through retirement he's likely to have a nasty shock coming.