DH and money

[anicesitdownandshutup]

So, DH has a cc bill of between 2.5 to 3k. This has been going on for a few years. He never seems bothered by it. I have a totally different attitude to money and would be loosing sleep over that.
On the one hand, it's none of my business. We both pay the same amount in to a joint account and what's left over is our own. We earn about the same money so not an issue. If it doesn't bother him then why should I be bothered.
But, I'm very conscious of this debt and feel that I can't ask him to consider a holiday, go on nights out etc because I know that he can't afford it. Years ago, when I asked him why he ran up such a big bill he said 'cos you wanted to do things/go places and I couldn't afford it but didn't want to say no'. Obviously I saw red. He's an adult and it's not like I would have thrown a temper tantrum if he had said he couldn't afford it. I'd much rather he had been honest with me. But I think that it's BS anyway as previously I've paid off his bill and he has gone and run up another bill. It's just his attitude to debt/money.
It's now getting to a stage in our marriage where I go out for dinner, weekends away with friends, rather than him. We've been over it and over it. I just don't know where his money goes - he's on a decent salary and has about £850 per month 'spending money' after paying in to the joint account. He isn't mean with money and I don't suspect an affair/prostitutes/gambling. I know that you can easily get through 20 quid in a day with buying lunches etc but really, we rarely go out so I really don't know where his money goes.

Get him to convert his minimum payment from a direct debit into a standing order for £5 more than he paid last month.

That is all he needs to do : the bill will be gone within 18 months for absolutely no pain and no stress.

If he can set the standing order up for 5% of his credit limit, then the debt will always stay under control and you will both have won

Thanks. But it's probably more of a relationship issue rather than a money issue. He's not bothered about paying it off. It's more my issue that his debt is stopping me from having a full social life with him.

are you married?
could you not just increase the amount that goes into the joint account to cover a social life and holidays?
you are a team, not rivals for spending

Why is his debt stopping you from having a full social life with him?
If it bothers you enough that he has this debt then you need to discuss it with him. If you both have £850 per month spending money then this debt should be quick and easy to clear but you have to agree that it will remain clear.

If you're married I'm pretty sure it IS your business, as you're financially responsible for each other including debts.
He needs to be honest with you about what he's spending the money on. I would be concerned that he's choosing to spend it on himself rather than doing things with you.
You might have different attitudes to money but you can deal with that as long as you are both honest and willing to communicate and compromise with each other.

Agree with Emma, his financial business affects you also, you need to sit down and explain this to him. Fair enough if he's not bothered, but you as a couple need to be bothered.

And really, you go out without your DH as you don't think he can afford it? - help him pay it off and you can both go out! And I say that as someone who took on my DH's debt before we were married as I don't like debt...his or mine

If your DH has £850 pm then this bill should be quick and easy to pay off? what is he doing with his money? I think you need to sit down and talk with him and work out a payment plan to pay off the CC.

You have joint accounts are married then why can't you both sit and talk this through, you are in a partnership, what he does with his money obviously does effect you so you both need to get this sorted, its certainly not worth losing your marriage over??

I don't understand why you're going away with friends not your DH because he can't afford it? Presumably together you can afford it?

Paying off more than the minimum will clear it pretty quickly n

If you both have £850 a month why not pool together and pay £600 a month, cut back a little and in 6 months it will be gone and you don't have to worry about it anymore.

Your attitude to me is strange but I can't quite put my finger on why.

Your finances are individual, yet you want a way in how he runs his, to the point of not going out with him because you think he can't afford it.

You seem to want to have a say in how he spends his money, yet not approach the issue as a couple.

I get what you're saying but I've already cleared his cc bill, twice. And I could clear it again, but we'd be back in the same position in a year's time. Actually, I coudn't clear it as I'm self employed and all my money goes in the business. I'm not exactly leaving him behind when I go out. We have two small children so always need to organise a babysitter. So I go out for dinner, cinema with friends but he and I never seem to go out together, or rarely.
I don't want to tell him how to spend his money but I can't understand why he doesn't have any, unless there is something underhand going on. And it's his money but him choosing to spend it on electronic gadgets or whatever, means that he doesn't have it for family outings/nights out for us.
But I can't change him if he doesn't see a problem with it/want to change

Sounds like a cocklodger op your paying his credit bills off, wow where do I sign up he has an easy life and your paying for it.

I thought marriage was supposed to be a partnership. Me and DH have separate bank accounts and separate spending money but if he was irresponsible and kept running in a credit card bill we would be having serious words. I'm not supportive of people who treat their partners like children but in this case I make an exception and think you should tell your partner that he isn't responsible enough to have a credit card and that you want it paid off and cut up. Ask him why he is running up debt when he has £850 per month spending money. £850 is a lot of money for personal spends and unless he has very extravagant consumerism or socialising habits then he should be able to manage.
Does he gamble / have any addictions?

I can understand your position. People like us think if we pay someone's cc bill off that person is then back to square one and will be responsible as we are. However not everyone ie made like that. If you pay it off again he'll just run it up again.

You are both doing all this very well by having separate accounts with just a joint one for the joint expenses. That is all you can do. Also don't let his lack of money limit what you do. If he is so silly as not to pay his debts off he won't be able to do such nice things with you because he won't be able to afford it (don't you foot the bill or he's being rewarded for his lack of care over money). I would just try not to think about it and save your own money up. Do remember though that on a divorce all assets and liabilities are added together and split in deciding what you each get so if you have £200k saved and he has £200k of debts then that is regarded as zero assets on divorce . Doesn't matter whose name it is in if you're married when divorce comes. If you just live together it is utterly different and you each keep what is in your own names.

It sounds as though he's going to keep his credit card at maximum, no matter what you do.

If he's not spending it on going out with you, then he is spending it on his gadgets, so you not going out with him is of absolutely no benefit at all.

If you have totally different approaches to money (which this sounds as though you have) you need to have a serious discussion about who is responsible and liable for what.

If you have already paid off his debts several times, then there is really no point in paying it off again.

This is the hard bit - you need to have a legally binding agreement that his debts will ALWAYS REMAIN HIS.

If you pool your money together, and have equal amounts of spending money then this is absolutely fair. It would be a post nuptial agreement and they are actually more legally binding than pre nuptial agreement.

It becomes tricky if you DON'T pool your money together, or you the two of you earn vastly different amounts of money - ie you earn twice what he earns but you contribute equally. As you've said you both earn about the same amount of money, this wouldn't be an issue, but would need to be born in mind if it were to change at any point.

That way his debt stops being your legal issue, and then you have the right to not interfere in how he manages his money. Until that point, you have every right in interfering, because it affects you.