Fair budget

[Lachicayeye]

Hello,
I'm new to mumsnet, so please take it easy ;)

I'm currently in talks to hubby about budgeting, I stopped working after I had my son few years ago. I'm currently doing a part time course and using my time for revising plus looking after the house and son (after school)
He gives me a 10% of his take home salary! and I'm finding it really hard to get to the end of the month. He has joked that I should get back to work if I don't like it. Am I unreasonable, or is he being tight?

What is he doing with the other 90% of his money? If he's spending it all on the mortgage, bills and food for the family, then no, he's not being tight; he just can't afford to give you more. If he's spending it on wine, women and song whilst you are trying to put food on the table, then yep, he's being tight and unreasonable.

Have you ever sat down and discussed with him where the money goes and what disposable income you have now?

You need to have joint money - it all goes into one account, mortgage, bills etc comes out - whatever is left you decide between you how much is to save and how much is for "fun" money.

I have barely a penny disposable income, but we have a big mortgage and kids at private school and it's a joint decision between us to spend all our money on that. Every family is different.

If he's playing the "go and get a job" card then you could cost what the childcare you are providing would cost and bill him for half of it!

What does your 10% of his take-home pay have to cover? From what you've said I'm guessing it's not just frivolities. Who pays the bills?

you need to look at your budgets as a household, not in silos

have a look at this
docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AiZqlQ7-gn07dFRwOFJENmVzX1RHR05UMGtIYkltcWc&usp=drive_web#gid=0

Sorry but this appears really wrong to me...every penny should go into the household pot!

to decide whether or not he's being tight we'd need to know

• what your total household bills are

• what the money he gives you has to cover

If your household bills take up 89% of his salary and your 10% is just to spend on you, then he's being incredibly generous

If you're expected to pay all household bills with the 10%, then he's being tight.

Well, what does his take home pay cover percentage wise? Initially I thought it seemed quite mean, but what are you outgoings?

If your DH is banking £2k a month after tax but then has to cover the mortgage, council tax, electric and Gas, mobile contracts, home phone and broadband, insurance, travel costs/running a car, after school clubs for DS, car payments, load repayments/old debt, groceries, etc, then your 10% is actually quite generous, surely?

And if he's on megabucks, then 10% of that would be a comfortable sum.

However, if he's giving you 10% and expecting you to pay bills and do all the shopping, he could be being massively unfair.

I have no real problem with non working wives being given an allowance - several of my gym friends have same
BUT
there should still be transparency in who pays what so that both sides feel happy with the deal

All money should be joint money. You should have equal spending money. Any discussions about working or not or whatever are separate really - you are a family and all money should be joint.

Thank you for all the replies. It forced me to sit down and write all of our outgoings and then chat about it. Probably the second time we do this in 15 years! I guess the problem arises from having been economically independent for so long, he still struggles with the suggestion of a joint account. We are definitely not 50/50 on the money left after payments. But at least the subject is there.
I wanted to add that my 10% has to cover food, internet, phone and kid play date related costs. He does give me money if I struggle to get to the end of month, but it's the having to ask that frustrates me.
Thanks again!

Lachi
I'm delighted that you came back and even more pleased that you and your DH were able to talk about it.

The thing to bear in mind is that you staying at home is saving the family up to £1000 a week in full time child care like my sis pays for her two
therefore your intangible input to the household budget starts there and builds up.

Well that doesn't sound fair to me unless you have a massive mortgage and that and the bills are taking up the other 90%.
Could you share some figures, for instance does he give you 500 out of 5k salary or whatever it is?

Just wanted to draw your attention to the fact that womens aid recognises inequality in family finances as a form of financial abuse. If he is only willing to give you 10% of his income and you are putting all of yours in then that is extremely wrong on many levels.

Who buys your clothes, and DS's clothes/shoes?
Who buys birthday / Christmas presents for his friends/family?
Who pays for any holidays?
Are you prepared to put rough numbers from your analysis online?

Thinking about it, we spend:
20% on Mortgage
30% on childcare
10% on bills (Gas, phone council tax etc etc)
30% on food / petrol / clothes / presents / take aways / treats- all our shopping goes on the credit card, and I know what that comes to each month. I'm not sure of the exact split, however I suspect it is half food/petrol and half bits)
10% savings (we are lucky)

So I guess, I have 15% to spend on the bits you seem to be covering, and if it goes over, we are quite happy to dip into savings. So its not that different to you, however that 15% is still quite a lot of money.

Just to reiterate, I'm currently not working so I'm not putting any money on the kitty. Our mortgage is quite low, about 10%, interest only. We then make a payment yearly. (Extra 20%) Car/ bike is another 10%, school fees and activities, another 10%, and the rest is bills, food, entertainment. As I have no control on the finances, hubby decides how much to save a month if any ( to his savings account), where we can on holidays and so on and so forth. It didn't use to bother me because I had my own money, since my last freelance cash dried out I've been using my savings for extras ( like clothes, house things, birthday pressents...) which I feel is unfair. Currently trying to work out best call of action. I think a joint account might make things easier but husband is not very please at the idea. ( we have no debts, so no history of running the acc into red)

He probably won't go for a joint account but the 10% thing doesn't sound fair so you need to find a compromise. The fact that you are not contributing finically is irrelevant unless your DH isn't happy that you are a SAHM.

Lachica
Fully understand the non joint account thing - not uncommon in certain financial circles.

All I'd say is keep track of what you are spending and book a monthly meeting over a nice dinner to make sure that you both know where you each and all are on long and short term finances.

It makes absolutely no difference if you are working or not. In fact if you are a sahm it is even more important that all family money is pooled and split equally. You shouldn't have to "ask" for money. It should be family money, equally available to all.

Thanks, will try to have a chat. Will see how it goes.

Do you mean he pays all the bills and gives you 10% of his salary for your personal use.

I think the 10% is for food, kids stuff, clothes and other things. The OP mentions it upthread.

Sorry I missed that. Then it sounds as if he is very mean and selfish. But if your household is generally struggling financially then you should be prepared to get a job.