Should I get married for financial reasons?

[herbaceous]

Hello

I have been with DP for 10 years, we have a joint mortgage and a five-year-old son. As seems a common theme, when we met I was the higher earner, but once DS was born - and my employer refused to let me come back part time - I have been freelancing, and my income and future career prospects have subsequently taken a big hit. I have hardly any pension provision, and only about £20K in savings.

DP has a good career now, earning plenty money, and I am the next-of-kin beneficiary on his pension and life assurance. He also pays all the mortgage on the house, and most of the bills.

However, I am aware that if we split up, I would be financially in a bad way. I am presuming he would be under obligation to contribute towards DS's maintenance, but not mine.

But I don't entirely understand what financial protection being married provides. If we were married, and split up, would he would I be entitled to compensation towards 'loss of earnings'? And if so, would that be retrospective, and take account of the past four years? Would he be obliged to contribute to my living expenses?

While he is rich in liquid assets, I have more capital. I was the one who put £150K into the house, and stand to inherit a six-figure sum. If we were married, would they have to become joint assets?

Discussing it is difficult, as he comes over all 'why do you think I would leave you in the lurch?'. 'Are you calling me a bastard?' Etc. I'm prepared for a fight, and a legal contract if necessary, but need to know where I stand first of all...

Essentially, the 'financial protection' is that all assets acquired or accumulated during the marriage are deemed joint. If a spouse has given up their own earnings for many years so that the other can acquire and accumulate assets & climb the greasy pole etc then spousal maintenance is a possibility although it is not particularly common these days. More common when the couple separating are rather older and their respective earnings potential is very low. You, for example, have only gone PT for four years and are presumably a long way from retirement. Child maintenance rules apply regardless of the marital status of the parents.

As regards what you stand to lose, if you put £150k into your home was that recorded at the time? Are you the co-owner? Are you on the mortgage even if you don't currently contribute? Are his liquid assets higher than £150k? If you were to get married now, assets/cash that predate the marriage generally remain the property of the individual. But if you were to marry, say, and sell your home in order to buy a bigger one, then the distinction of what you put in and what he put in risks being blurred in the process.

It always strikes me as odd that someone is prepared to commit as far as children - life-long, life-changing, bloody serious if it goes wrong - but flies off the handle if the subject of formalising the partnership is raised. Says a lot about them, I think, and not in a good way.

From your summation, if he'd be under no obligation to support me if we divorced, I think I would in fact be worse off if we married!

I am on the mortgage, yes. My £150K contribution wasn't actually ever legally formalised - it was about to be, then the solicitor left the practice. I could probably prove it, but not sure that's enough.

Are you a co-owner of the house, on the deeds etc? The question really is, if you sold the house tomorrow, what would get back. Might you get your deposit back and him claim that, because he paid the mortgage, he gets all the rest? Your deposit and half the equity? 50% of the whole thing? Ideally, as part of the co-ownership arrangement, that should have been established at the outset.

You mentioned being designated next of kin on his pension and insurance but have you made wills in each other's favour? (That would still apply even if you were married) Have you ever explored what would happen on the question of consent if either of you needed an operation?

It is a pity when people are like your partner and conflate 'trust/love/faith in the relationship' with 'financial planning & protection'.

I am co-owner, yes. If we sold the house today and split the proceeds, I'd imagine we'd take half each, and come to a negotiation about the £150K - he could have a bit of it as he's paid the mortgage for the past four years.

We have an appointment to make wills. Though I realise as unmarrieds, we would have to pay inheritance tax on anything over the threshold. And as the house is in London and worth over £600k now, that could apply. When we're at the solicitor making wills, I plan to draw up a legal agreement about the house deposit being mine.

I've had operations, but have never needed a next of kind thing signed.

And yes. It is a shame, and vexing. It seems ironic that by being so obdurate I want to marry him less and less! We could end up splitting up over what to do if we split up!

herb does he want to get married? Do you? Is he saying what he's saying because he doesn't want to get married or he can't bring himself to think what would happen if you did split? My DH refuses to discuss things like that but I (child of divorced parents) feel like I am jinxing it by not thinking about it if that makes sense.

I think it would be worth paying to have proper advice from a solicitor-they throw up all sorts of things you have not thought of.

Definitely get proper legal advice.

I don't know! It's got so enmeshed in my head. He originally said he didn't want to get married, as he's got a vast Irish family and the logistics and politics of it all would kill him. He now occasionally mentions it - as in seeing a nice location, and saying 'we could get married there' - but it never comes to anything. In some ways I want to him to make the decision, as I made all the other big ones - buying a house, having a child – and want him to actually choose to be with me for ever, rather than me railroading him into it.

However, if there were large, non-romantic reasons for doing so I reckon I could persuade him to do a quick number down the register office. It doesn't, however, seem as if there are in fact many persuasive arguments to do so!

He's not good at confrontation or discussion, taking everything personally. So if I say 'I'm worried what would happen if we ever were to split up', he seems to hear 'you're a total shit and are going to leave me and our son'.

Oh he sounds like mine, he didn't initially want to get married as he's quite introverted and was scared of a massive wedding. Now he is Mr Marriage. Getting legal advice sounds sensible but could you have a conversation with along the lines of 'I'd prefer to get married for x reasons but if not then we need to sort this out properly so if something happens we don't need to worry about it'. Not very romantic but I do think a child kills a lot of romance anyway! Fwiw mine said 'for God's sake can we just get married' as a proposal

As you have a property which will take you over IHT threshhold, you might also want to look into additional life assurance to meet the likely liability (so neither of you ends up having to sell the house to pay the IHT bill).

And you need to think about your own pension. At the stroke of a pen you could be removed entirely from his - it is that easy to change beneficiary and as a non-marital partner you would have no claim if he removed your name.

Next of kin isn't a big issue in the UK (unless there's someone in his family who would make difficulties). It might be a problem if one of you fell ill or had an accident abroad (depending on where you are).

The pension thing does keep me awake at nights. I've been a journalist and editor for years, but any kind of senior position is not compatible with child hours, and holidays, and I really don't want to keep just doing jobbing freelancing like I am for ever. So, I'm spending next year doing a PGCE to teach adults literacy and ESOL. The plan is that this will enable me to keep working, at least a little bit, past retirement age (I'm late 40s).

I also plan to spend my inheritance on a property to let out. If it's in London, that would be about £1000 a month.

If we get married, that inheritance would become a shared asset, I presume, as would the rental income.

DP is 10 years younger than me, so will retire much later.

All the threads on relationships about this are very much 'FOR GOD''S SAKE GET MARRIED OR YOU'LL DIE IN PENURY', but in my case it's not as simple as that. I think I need a financial advisor!

If you've got £20k in savings you can afford to go to a lawyer to answer your question for you.

It's not the sort of savings that can be withdrawn from - it's a stocks and shares ISA.

But yes. I now realise that obviously I need proper legal advice. Previously, the deafening MN chant of 'get married - or you'll get fleeced' had made me assume marriage was the best option, in all cases.

"'FOR GOD''S SAKE GET MARRIED OR YOU'LL DIE IN PENURY',"

That's usually for the benefit of people (mostly women, sadly) rather younger than you who don't have assets or decent earnings potential and are planning to make themselves 100% financially dependent on their partner by having kids and giving up work. Often all the security they've got to go on is 'I love you' and optimism ... With no legal protection, marriage or otherwise, they are being foolish & making themselves very vulnerable indeed.

It is different when you're second-time-arounders or getting together later in life when you're more established and have a bit of money etc. Some go for marriage anyway, decide 'what's mine is yours' from the off and that's one option. A lot more in that situation are opting for pre-nups and other ways to protect things like inheritance for children from a previous relationship or - as in your case - proceeds from the sale of pre-owned property. Still more do the maths, get legal advice and decide that marriage wouldn't give them any advantages at all.

Please check the small print from his pension provider. Some are very sympathetic to "non-standard" life partners, but others will use any excuse to get out of paying out pensions an death-in-service benefits. They don't even have to honour nominations of civil partnerships unless they state it upfront. So, with the best will in the world, your partner may not be providing for his family as well as he thinks, unless his pension provider is singing from the same hymn sheet.

The law surrounding the division of assets on divorce is uncertain and unclear. You would be far better off entering a cohabitation which sets out your financial arrangements. If, at a later date, you choose to marry it can form the basis of a prenuptial agreement.

Alternatively a declaration of trust could do a good job of protecting your 150k (held as a lump sum or a function of the total value of equity?)

Of you WANT to get married and are looking for reasons to do it your best bet is the IHT issue you have already identified.