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What would you do??

14 replies

BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 12/08/2006 14:41

Think I have posted this in the right place. Not sure where to start. I have 2 children dd 20 months ds 6.5 months. My ex dh and I separated summer 05 (his decision- well he dropped me and dd at my nans house and never came back)and subsequently are getting divorced. Ex dh has not seen dd since 26th July 05 and never met or acknowledged ds. When ds was born I called exdh from the hosp to say that we had a son exdh said 'oh well whatever' and put the phone down. He has not contributed in anyway to their ubringing, no cards presents at birthday and xmas for dd. No maintenance payments either despite csa being involved (no surprise there really). I petitioned for the divorce in oct '05 for which I got huge amounts of verbal and mental abuse and nasty text messages from exdh, he still hasn't acknowledged it but through varuious affidavits for deemed service etc I have managed to get the courts to dissolve the marriage and I am waiting for decree nisi now. When my son was born he took my maiden name. When dd was born she took my married name and I am going to get that changed to my maiden name again through the courts as he will not give his permission (even though he doesn't want to see or have anything to do with her). I'm sorry it has taken this long to get to the point my question is what should I do regarding dissolving his parental responsibility to dd and ds? Is it my decision to make? Should I leave the decision to the children for when they are older (bearing in mind dd is 20 months and ds is 6.5 months)? I'm a bit lost and could do with some advice, thank you

OP posts:
BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 12/08/2006 16:44

I meant opinions, sorry!!

OP posts:
colditz · 12/08/2006 16:47

i have no advice, but you could try your post in the lone parent section, they know what they are talking about there!

Carmenere · 12/08/2006 16:48

Good grief, what a tosser Another candidate for the Mumsnet Crap Blokes Hall of Shame.
Sorry no advice but I can see why you would want to have nothing to do with him ever again.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 12/08/2006 16:52

no advice - is your concern that he might suddenly think he has a right to being part of any decisions regarding them? (which, in my mind he has forfeited totally, though not sure where the law stands). I would get your self down to CAB and see what they say.

BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 12/08/2006 16:58

Yes I dont know what rights he has regarding them if any or if I have the right to take them away (does that make sense?), just feel like I am going mad thinking about this on my own so could do with some outside perspectives. My solicitor has been so vague that I dont get anything from her

OP posts:
Freckle · 12/08/2006 16:59

Tbh, parental responsibility doesn't actually mean an awful lot from a practical point of view. As he seems totally disinterested in your children (apart from wanting your dd to keep his name - why???), it is unlikely that he would ever want to use it anyway. If he does start throwing his weight around, demanding the right to be consulted on things such as schools, etc., you might at that time think about taking action. However, as their primary carer, you would take whatever decision you felt was in their best interests and blow whatever he might think.

BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 12/08/2006 17:12

Thank you freckle, I think I am letting my emotions get in the way of rational sensible thoughts

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Kathlean · 12/08/2006 18:08

From what I remember his PR cannot be removed.

This what part of the problem about the woman in the papers who wanted her ex-partner to let her have children via thier frozen embryos was.

She was trying to say he didn't have to have any PR but the courts would not let him not have them. If that makes any sense.

Even if your ex writes to you legally etc saying he gives it all up it is pretty worthless. He can comes back in 5, 10, 15 years and say he has changed his mind.

It may be worth getting a quick visit to the CAB or a lawyer to confirm but I seem to remember this is the position.

BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 12/08/2006 18:15

I see, just think my beautiful babies deserve more than him (is that horrible of me?), oh god now I'm crying what a twit.

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gothicmama · 12/08/2006 18:20

go and see CAB but just because he has/retains PR doesn't mean much because a he hs been absent nad not contributing and as teh hildren get older their wishes and views will be listenned to- please don't feel sad but go and check out the facts - ask your soilicitor to explain them again perhaps ask in lone parents section for good questions to ask your soilicitor

Kathlean · 12/08/2006 18:39

They do deserve better. No child deserved to be ignored or ill treated etc Unfortunately I think some people are sub-human emotionally.

Lets keep our fingers crossed that he never has a change of heart and that you meet a really fantastic guy who is a stunning step-dad to your kiddies one day.

BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 12/08/2006 18:40

Ah thank you thats so sweet xx

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ProfessorGrammaticus · 12/08/2006 18:43

PR cannot be removed. But don't worry too much - if he's not involved with the children he won't be allowed to interfere with your decisions.

QueenEagle · 12/08/2006 18:52

I asked the same thing about my tosser of an ex when it went to court. Legally you cannot absolve him of his PR. With us, ex, me and new dh had to attend court for my new dh to attain PR for my 3 kids by exh. Ex had to be there to give his consent. Although PR for my 3 is supposedly a 3 way thing because it couldn't be taken away from him, my ex also has no contact whatsoever or involvement in their upbringing so we never consult him on any aspect of their care.

If it makes things easier from a legal aspect when dealing with anything official you can say that you do not know of his whereabouts and that he is not involved. From my experience they usually leave it at that.

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