Hate not being financially independent

[Picasso56]

I used to work quite a bit -creative world - but while the children were small, I happily let work slip, as I found it hard dividing my brain between the two worlds of family and work- The children are 14 and 18 now, and though I still get the odd bit of work, I spend my life with my bank acct in the red, and my husband, same job as me-is the breadwinner. I'm finding this terribly difficult, now the children are older- I hate not earning my own money and relying on him financially for everything. I feel I've lost my identity a bit ! And confidence about my work- and really should be finding another job, but find myself frozen about it, and bit lost... I have no degree, so shifting jobs at this stage seems hard- Does anyone else share this feeling of hating not earning ones own money, and hopelessness when it comes to finding some other work? Husband very nice about it, what's his is mine etc... But I just hate it!!!!

Thanks for all the honest and helpful posts- it has helped me get a bit of perspective on the situation. Thanks BSsandwich, appreciate the advice and support.

TalkingRubbish, invoicing one's dh makes no difference because it does not increase the household income, it is just the same income sloshing around which will disappear with the dh if he buggers off, dies or becomes disabled.

So long as my children are still dependents, I would never feel quite safe unless I know I have the means to support them on my own steam. I never want to be in a situation where I have to stick with a less than ideal marriage because my children and I would otherwise be destitute.

My being financially independent is tied with my need to protect the dcs. Dh is lovely but he also knows that I can give as good as I get.

blueshoes umm, I think you have taken my suggestion in a more literal way than I had intended it. . I was trying to highlight the fact the OP does valuble work for the family.

TalkingRubbish, I don't think OP's dh is not valuing her. She already said he is very nice about it and what's his is mine ...

We all do valuable work for our families.

Blueshoes. Thank you for pointing out we all do valuble work for our families

Hopefully the OP understood where I was coming from with my obviously jokey suggestion that she invoice her DH.

I had to move and give up my job for a year whilst my husband worked elsewhere. It was horrible. We have fully joint accounts but I absolutely hated not earning my own money. I took over all the household chores, but honestly it wasn't enough work and I twiddled my thumbs a lot. Mostly, I just felt trapped, like I was dependent on my husband (I wasn't. I had enough savings to live for two years) and I couldn't look after myself if things went tits up (if I had kids, I would have been even more worried frankly) It really was a loss of independence, like being a kid again rather than an adult contributing to society. I'm sure others don't think like me, but that was how I felt at the time.

I am so glad to be back at work now. I just can't take my husband for granted, he could die/leave/fall sick/lose his job. At best, he's a safety net in case I lose my job/fall sick but I feel so much better knowing we are each other's safety net. No guarantees in life!

The difference is amicissimma that if you are dependent on a boss you usually have a contract of employment. If you are dependent on customers you can take out credit or other insurance. If you're dependent on government there are safety nets and legal precedents. If you're dependent on a partner all you have - if you're lucky - is a marriage licence, a few promises and goodwill ...

Hit the nail on the head Cogito.

It is also considerably easier to find a new job or customers if things go tits up than it is to go through the process of a divorce and re-marriage to a partner that is prepared to support another man's children.

I personally would prefer not to introduce another man into my children's lives whilst they were still dependent and living with me.