DP's attitude to money (head in the sand mentality)

[Frostybean]

How can I help DP be better with money? We don't live together (I won't because of his head in the sand attitude to money) but I have bailed him out a couple of times over the last two years. I've just found out that he has a five thousand pound overdraft which he regularly goes over (and gets charged for). He also bought a car on a credit card and lots of other things (for his children like drama class and trips for school) so that card is now up to nine grand also. I despair. He smokes, drinks and gambles (only at home with friends and the lottery) but refuses to face up to his financial problems and cut down. He lost his house in his divorce and had a second one repossessed. How do I get him out of the cave and into reality? (without destroying our relationship in the process).

You can't change him. He's already lost two houses and even borrowing from his son isn't low enough to stop him.

You're very wise to keep your home and finances separate as he would spend yours too.

He is massively in denial. You can't really feel sorry for someone who refuses to take responsibility or control of their finances by the time they're in their mid 40s.

He acts like a 20 year old sometimes. He admits to being worried about money but thinks odd jobs will sort it out. He doesnt think he has a problem re gambling, drinking or smoking as he says he doesnt drink/smoke/gamble much. He doesnt take responsibility and thinks the world is against him. I thought things would improve as the years went by but sadly they havent.

Sorry you're having to face some home truths tonight OP - this must be painful for you

Yes, it's very sad. I've tried to help friends and one previous partner with similar issues; one is now dead and the other has disappeared. I just dont want to abandon a third if I can help but I think its clear now that I cant help. People have to want to change, not have change forced on them.

You wouldn't be 'abandoning' this man if you took a step back and expected him to sort out his own life. You'd be respecting his right as an individual to be independent and responsible.

You can't help him if he doesn't want help.
I have a close relative like your dp, I have always said to him he can have food and a bed for the night, but I will never give him money. He's also in his 40s, but has always been like this.

Why are you always picking those types? It's not you, it's them, but maybe worth looking at what you want from a relationship.

That's a fair point about rescuing people. The person who died was a female friend a lot younger than me. I could see that she was repeating the mistakes her mother had made regarding money and alcohol. I've had four relationships in my life. The first two were high achieving go getters. The last two spanning the last decade have both been drifters/low achievers. I'll have to think about why I made the choice to be with them.

You can't save people. You can offer advice but nay if they want to hear it.