Grr! Taken for a ride...? Need a fair financial arrangement with DP to cover maternity leave.

[Ienableyoutoearn]

I've namechanged for this as I realised I feel really embarrassed about the lack of clarity surrounding our financial arrangements for covering my maternity leave. I need help to craft a succinct and compelling financial proposal for how to manage our finances for the next 7 months, which is what remains of my maternity leave. I am taking a year off, the last 3 months of which will be completely unpaid, having been preceded by 21 weeks of only SMP (approx £383/month), which I believe is pretty standard.

When I'm not on maternity leave:
DP and I usually each pay X amount into a joint account every month, and this covers all fixed shared expenses; mortgage, insurance and bills. We split food shopping more or less 50-50, doing a couple of "big" shops a month together and supplementing individually in between. Whatever is left in our individual accounts we spend or save as we see fit, with no pressure to account for our decisions. I am thrilled with this arrangement.

During maternity leave
Now, here is where I run into difficulties. My last ML set a very unfortunate precedence in as much as that although I did 99% of all childcare for a year (every day, every evening, every night, with the odd hour here and there, once or twice a week, when DP would look after DD at home so I could nip out to vote or the doctors or whatever), I totally undervalued my contribution to our family life in the form of childcare, and hence ended up in a financially weak position where I spent quite a bit of my savings in order to keep up my joint contributions to our family expenses, as well as living day to day. The most embarassing part is that I agreed to let DP "support me / pay my share" for the last 3 months, and then to pay him back what I "owed" once I started earning again. That is not going to happen this time. I would have saved more in preparation for this period of maternity leave had I not been too busy paying DP back (aaargh!!) and paying off my VISA card which I ended up using rather more than I would have liked to. Grr! I think I fell into this because a) I earn more than him when not on ML and b) DP thinks I'm not as good with money as he is (to his credit, he is pretty canny and is always looking to make us more secure), so any difficulties I found myself in must have been as a result of frittering money away or not planning properly and c) I HATE the idea of him turning around and saying I haven't contributed my fair share.

This time I have presented him with a timeline of my maternity income and said that we need to do things differently this time, and I think he "gets it" a bit more now, but I still need help with phrasing a water-tight and coherent argument along the lines of "You are able to earn money, doing your salaried job as well as running your own business in your spare time, because I do ALL the childcare. I enable you to earn. The childcare I do is also work, albeit unwaged. My work requires financial recognition. I will not be financially compromised as a result of being on maternity leave. Humph!" which will compel him to see that my work should be nemunerated / recognised somehow. But what does this look like? Does it mean we pool our money, including child benefit, and everything comes out of that? Should I factor in a personal spending allowance (for things like petrol and mobile phone)? Seeing as I do the childcare, should I hang on to CB so I can pay for nappies, nursery lunches, activities etc, or should I suggest we pool that too? What do people who have really fair and equal arrangements do?

Holy crap, are there TWO women here who has had to finance their own maternity leaves?

Your op was so similar to another poster who had decided she could not afford another child, because her high earning husband was insisting they put 100% of HER salary towards family expenses (which meant he kept the surplus for himself only and she has nothing for herself). She had spent all her saving on funding her first maternity leave and all child related expenses, and was now broke and in dept to her husband.

And you are not her? I am sorry, I thought the stories were so similar that you were her.

Sorry, I really don't remember getting so much tax taken off SMP last time. I'm worried as been calculating my own maternity leave and haven't taken the tax into account - aargh!

Anyway, if you explain it to him clearly - your maternity leave isn't an indulgence for you, it's in the interest of your family and family finances need to cover it - surely he can't refuse? He might be reluctant to sacrifice his extra income but it's an inevitable part of being a parent!

Sorry, clicked post too soon.

The main thing is, your husband should be regularly checking in with you that your financial arrangements are good for BOTH of you. Fifty/fifty doesn't cut it. Nor should it have been teh case while you were earning more than he was - was your contribution larger because of your higher income? - when his income fluctuated due to running his own business, did you make up the shortfall or was he sometimes more broke and you less so? I'm sounding accusing, but actually, I'm asking. You don't sound the unreasonable sort, but if he felt things were 'unfair' before maybe this is why he's being such an arse (you paying him back?!??! That's madness. Out of what?!)

In an ideal situation, you should both walk away with the same amount of disposable income once all bills are covered - that doesn't include personal bills like credit cards, subscriptions. I mean those family expenses, like home running costs, savings (a mutually agreed amount each month) and also 'olidays for those wot can afford 'em - ).

Since SMP is going to be not very much, in all likelihood he will need to be paying money into your account each month in order that you both have the same amount of disposable income.

If you were to set up a system where you contributed to the pot 'pro rata', you're ignoring that each person has a basic minimum amount necessary for day-to-day expenses (a bit like the £10,000 tax free allowance in your tax code - a recognition that no matter who you are, whether poor or millionaire, the first £10,000 of your income is the most important part, because it's what feeds and clothes you). Your £380 SMP does not have the same value as £380 of his money, if he already has enough and more to live on. Say he earns £2k and you earn £200 per month, and agreed to pay an equal share (20%). You'd have £160 left for you and he'd have £1600 for himself.

For fairness, he should look at your income as being £2200, except some of it has disproportionately landed into his account, so he needs to transfer some into the joint pot and some to you. The leftovers between you should be the same.

Get your calculator out and work out your bills. And when your SMP drops to zero, have another discussion.

It does sound like you want your cake and eat it, you are quite happy to have more every month yet then want his money when you cant earn.

As for paying him back, if you give him money do you expect it back? Separate finances can work very well if couples choose to do that but can have drawbacks.

Billing him for childcare is ridiculous, you are a parent and thats what parents do.

It's probably worth pointing out that before reading such discussions on MN, the "we both get equal disposable income" solution wouldn't have occurred to me either.

Glad it did, as it seems fairer all round. The previous time DP was unemployed we had very very little spare cash, and the solution then was that he owned the food budget - and because he was really very crap with money, this was a weekly amount withdrawn on Sunday and put into the grocery purse - when it ran out, it ran out. If there was surplus, because he'd put some effort into shopping carefully, finding bargains, and cooking from scratch (which all takes time), then it was up to him whether we rolled it into next week, spent it on , or whatever else he wanted. (Normally ). That worked then but would have become very unfair once I had more money coming in.

The other thing we've done was: as the more financially cautious one in the partnership, it has in the past caused lots a bit of shouting friction for us when I was saving for a rainy day, and DP was splashing out on nice bottles of wine, coffees, treats etc. It took a bit of working out, and a mutual agreement that while saving for the future was good, living now is also good, and we needed a compromise that was comfortable for both of us. So we have a "safety cushion" and maintain/grow it by paying a bit more into the joint account, but once that's covered - disposable income is disposable income. No more cats bum mouth allowed about treats.

Before then, I was inclined to try to make DP pay for as much as possible, so that I could keep some money back for emergencies - I saw it as saving money for us (by saving the spendthrift from himself) that would otherwise get frittered away. OP - reading between the lines, is it possible that's what's going on in your DH's head?

We are both the same about spending/saving/debt etc so all in one pot here.... any personal expenses over say £100 usually get discussed anyhow... neither of us are materialistic, or keen on the latest gadgets etc

Savings go into each name on ISAs - but they are still "our" money.... just gives a little sense of security to us both for the future - if anything happens there is money there...

Your DP should be absolutely ashamed of himself. What on earth would his friends and family think of that arrangement?! And if they'd support it, they're not very nice people either. I would hope that he will come to his senses during a discussion and agree on how to move forward. He is not being a proper parent or spouse IMO.

The way we handle it is that all our earnings go into a joint account, and we each have the same amount of money out of that account for personal expenditure.

I manage the joint account and pay all the bills etc. out of it by direct debit mostly. We each have a debit card for it and use it for day-to-day expenditure (groceries etc.) We also have a joint credit card account (well, it's mine and DH is the 'additional cardholder') which we also use for day-to-day expenditure (it is paid off in full every month).

Regular monthly savings also come out of the joint account.

We each do what we like out of our personal accounts - those don't have loads of money in. In fact, DH's builds up quite regularly and he just transfers it into the joint account and I put it into more savings.

DH and I have a reasonably similar approach to money though, and no way would either of us go into debt or make ridiculous purchases. If one of us was that way inclined, we might rethink the 'both of us have total access to all monies' system, I suppose. But we'd never do the crazy 'both must contribute the same amount' system. That's not family life.

I'm so glad I started this thread! We had a great chat last night where we looked at all your insights, advice and suggestions, some of which made very sobering reading for DP. We had a good talk about attitudes, assumptions and expectations about money too. He admitted to feeling like Slightly suggested, trying to save the spendthrift from herself (although in my defense, I must say that I am pretty frugal; only shop second hand for both myself and the DDs, cut my own hair, don't drink or smoke, don't lunch out or have coffee "treats", don't have gadgets apart from a pretty ancient mobile on a £7/month Tesco SIM only contract and I think of my greatest indulgence as running a small, very fuel efficient 3rd hand 15 year old car... biggest monthly expenditure is the children). We decided to go with a pooled income model to cover all expenses, savings and personal spending money, leaving us both with an amount of monthly spending money we feel comortable with. I'm so pleased, I actually woke up in the middle of the night and felt like this big weight of worry and suppressed resentment had lifted. So thank you, thank you everyone! And Quintessential, I'm sorry I was a bit cutting towards you, it's not my usual style (perhaps I was emboldened by hiding behind a different nom de plume... ), it's been bothering me. I know you wanted to help. Thanks you.

OP what a great result for you and your family - well done to both you and your DP for working through this.

Great result OP.

great, OP. I was worried when i read your post, but it sounds like it was just thoughtlessness (on both your parts, since you benefited from the arrangement before DC) - glad you are all sorted now.

OP glad you got it all sorted - like others have to admit I was shocked about you having to 'pay him back' for your half the first time around and couldn't begin to imagine a relationship like this (proposals,needing 'luck' to discuss an issue-should be a joint decision imo)
Me and dh had a brief chat about how it would work prior to ttc so we not knew we could afford the extra cost involved with having children.I only took 6 months maternity-with my job luckily that meant my wage did not decrease significantly while on maternity leave.Others I know saved extra prior to going on may leave to cover the shortfall.
Anyhow glad you got it sorted and sounds like it was a lack of forward-planning on both your behalves (rather than a controlling oh) that resulted in the initial problem .

Glad you got it sorted OP - sounds like a really good result.

I'm kind of marking my place so I can finish reading this later.

I just wanted to say for now that I could have written some of your post OP. I think partly because I'm a little controlling with money and partly because it would deeply shame me for anyone to think I'm not paying my way (old, old issues!).

Our incomes are a 45/55 split in my favour, but OH came into this relationship with lots of savings whereas I was drowning under a mortgage I could scarcely afford. Things are better for me now and I want to have a child. But I feel that this is my prerogative and must therefore be self funded??? My OH lived a lengthy life happily free of children before we met. Yes, he unreservedly agreed to ttc when I asked him, and he is a reasonable and responsible (warm, lovely, great) adult. But I don't know what to expect as fair, and reading this thread I have just realised that my eagerness to get a nest egg for my mat leave (which is a holy grail at the moment as I've only had 2 mcs so far and no actual baby), is misguided??? That I shouldn't have to fund my mat leave or pay back money loaned during that time?

To be honest I think I'd feel I was taking advantage - but I look at what I've read so far and I really don't think like this toward everyone else. I seem to hold myself to an impractical "standard". MY OH doesn't put any of this on me. It's all me. So I'll be returning to this thread to work out what a reasonable way forward is! (Sorry for mammoth hijack!)