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Original poster

My money / his money / our money WWYD?

13 replies

cookiemonster100 · 28/09/2013 21:34

Hi,

Background

I have always been financially independent. DH & I are expecting our first baby in the next month or so. I got made redundant a few weeks back & the severance package was fair. When we did the initial nos crunching we knew money was going to be tight however we could clear a large chunk of our debt with the redundancy pay & pool together our finances. We have 3 bank accounts mine, his & ours ( which pays the mortgage & household bills). Pre redundancy I was always the one who had savings to pay the unanticipated bill / treats/ birthday presents etc. DH normally skint by the middle of the month & borrows of me until he gets paid again.

DH has now been given promotion but it is on a temporary basis. He has been told unofficially it will be till May but he is likely to be posted on a permant basis before then. This means an extra few hundred quid a month which takes us from watching the pennies to a more breathable situation.

He doesn't want to include the promotion amount in the monthly financial planner but to take it as a bonus each month. He says due to the admin side he can't guarantee it will be in his pay each month but will be the following (time sheets / authorisation/ payroll deadlines). This i find is fustrating as we can't plan to do anything / buy anything over and above budgeted until his pay comes in. I am not talking about anything extravagant but with Christmas coming up & a little one on the way I know we won't be fully watching the spending.

I suggested that we keep some redundancy pay back & the months where they haven't paid his promo allowance we dip into that & replace it in the month they do pay ( theoretically there would be 2 payments in that month last month & this month).

After debating this for awhile it comes about that he is nervous about being skint & i can't help feel i am not going to see this additional cash at all. I don't want to ask for money each month. We were Nr repossession in 2008 dur to his business failing & I used my life savings plus any borrowing capacity I had to bail us out. Since then it's been me who makes sure we have enough money as a household & he always borrows money from me towards the end of the month. Now it's the other way round I am feeling nervous of being dependent on him for monthly cash flow but it is my money that is clearing the last chunk of his debt.

I am trying to find a way round this that works for both of us. Its like we are both holding onto our own money & in reality pooling the finances together is something we are both struggling to do. How do you adjust to losing your financial independence? Any advice - sorry its a bit long .

OP posts:

Toklastennis · 29/09/2013 05:03

Similar situation here - except the baby was born on July. Despite conversations about pooling money
And what we can afford I've still found that Dh struggles to manage his income in a way we can both rely on. We are currently all living off my savings. I wlkd strongly advise you yo keep some redundancy money back. You simply cannot earn any money as a new mother, and the last thing you need is to worry about cash flow when you're settling into life with your baby. If you keep records of everything you can then even things out later - or choose not to. I find this takes the pressure off Dh and is a realistic way to deal with the fact that I'm more 'sensible' with money or perhaps just need a greater deal of financial security than him.

AKissIsNotAContract · 29/09/2013 05:10

How long were you planning on waiting before applying for jobs? In your situation I would take a few months mat leave then get back to working.

elah11 · 29/09/2013 05:40

We have always put everything in the one pot, there's no my money or his money, it's all our money ! I couldn't be doing with all the palaver of dividing up what each person owes

Original poster

cookiemonster100 · 29/09/2013 09:34

Thanks Toklastlesson glad to see I am not the only one. I will talk to him about it later. Due to the financial hit in 2008 I have come to the conclusion now is too riskier time just to hand over the financial reigns to him (& if we are honest I think he feels the same). Congrats on your baby btw :)

I am always envious of people who can put everything in one pot elah11 but DH & I have completely different approaches to money. If he has £20 in his pocket he will spend it & come back for more until he runs out & then literally borrow until he gets paid. I on the other hand can budget for the month. I would resent him if he put us both in a cash strapped situation at this moment as time with baby is really precious to me & he would resent me controlling literally everything he spends.

OP posts:

Mum2Fergus · 29/09/2013 11:12

Similar approaches here too Cookie...both DP and I have own acs, but then he transfers his %age of joint outgoings to me on his payday (he moved to me from NI and house bills are historically just in my name). I can save without even thinking about it, he on the other hand is a spender.

To be fair though he's had a real shift of behaviour recently (since turning 40!) and he pretty much pays every penny not needed for his DDs/payments to me and he gets £30pw back...stops him running out mid month! It's actually working really well (plus he's in heaven with a do it all spreadsheet I made for him to calculate when he'll be debt free if he stays on current course lol)...

Mum2Fergus · 29/09/2013 11:16

Forgot to say what I came on for lol can you work out a budget based on what you know will be his minimum income (not including the pay rise) and run to that...then anything extra he gets can go in a savings pot to tide you through the leaner times?

With redundancy Id consider repaying the most expensive if your debts (ie higher interest rates) and put some aside in the savings pot...

Hassled · 29/09/2013 11:18

His attitude makes me think that you need to get his salary paid into the joint account. You have control of the joint account and work out a reasonable amount to put back into his for day to day bits and bobs. Yes, it's infantilising him and yes, he might not like it, but you're clearly good with money, he's clearly shit, and you have some challenging times ahead. Spin it to him that it's just while you're on maternity leave or something (it needn't be, if it works).

Mandy21 · 30/09/2013 11:16

I think you can manage on the 'his money / your money / our money' approach until a baby comes along, and then surely its got to be family money (or otherwise you'll be massively worse off because you'll be on maternity pay whilst he's earning a full wage?).

Since we've had children, we've had 4 pots if you like - each of our salaries gets paid into the joint account, thats used for all the bills etc. Then, depending on budget, we have a little pot that is for family spends / treats / any unplanned expenses, and then we each have a little amount that is transferred into our own personal accounts (£100 each per month) for our own "spends". Once thats gone, its gone. If your DH can't manage that then thats his problem I'm afraid and I'd just say no when he asks to borrow money!

Mandy21 · 30/09/2013 11:18

Agree with Hassled - you need to be controlling the finances like I do

craftynclothy · 30/09/2013 11:23

We have a budget spreadsheet. It details monthly bills and yearly bills and allows an amount for savings.

We then have a joint current account for monthly bills and a joint savings account (instant access) for yearly bills - we pay the monthly equivalent into this account each month.

What is left over is split equally between our personal accounts to do with pretty much as we wish.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/09/2013 12:26

I also think you should be fully in charge of the finances. Used to be married to a man that could spend it faster than I could earn it. Emphasising the 'used to be'.... Pool everything and give him spends.

NotAsTired · 02/10/2013 12:26

We still have mine, his and our accounts and we keep our money separate. It's what works for us but obviously would not work for everyone.

I really think you need to keep as much of the redundancy money back as possible. I also agree that you take control of the finances and he gets a pretty reasonable allowance (so he pays into the joint and an allowance gets paid into his account).

debtcamel · 08/10/2013 21:39

hi cookiemonster -

you aren't alone, trying to work out how to juggle joint finances when you have different incomes and different debts is always a headache.

There are some general thoughts on options here debtcamel.co.uk/snapshot/his-hers-debt/ but it sounds as though the worst of the debt is behind you and you are more concerned about how to move on with a minimum of friction AND a minimum of risk.

Your wrote "This i find is fustrating as we can't plan to do anything / buy anything over and above budgeted until his pay comes in". Actually if you can get into a position where you are always spending last months money, and this month's goes into a savings account for next month, this can be an excellent way to manage variable incomes. Perhaps your redundancy money would allow you to do this?

There is an american budget calculator called YNAB (You Need A Budget - don't we all!) which works on this basis, of planning to spend last months money. You might find that useful, but whatever you choose, you both have to be happy with it. More thoughts on budgetting, and a link to YNAB, are here debtcamel.co.uk/improve/smarter-budgetting/

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