Grrrrrrrrrrr - AIBU

[tazmo]

we are skint - yes we are. I've had IVF, 3 lots of mat leave with little or no pay... but we are keeping on top of it etc. I earn 2/3rds more than my husband and he's fine about most stuff (I earn 60K plus 7.5 K car allowance) - but I'm going on a biz trip (I work from home so don't need much 'work' stuff) next week where I'll meet the head of dept for the first time, will meet with clients and I suggested getting a new suit. DH then says "you always seem to buy something new for a business trip - didn't you buy a suit a while ago". Yes I frigging did but since the kids were born, my shape has changed and I'm a fatter. I need something that is going to at least flatter what shape I am now. I'm so livid. He keeps saying this - yes he went to London and bought a watch. A Frigging watch when he's got 10. He said it was with his birthday money form mum and dad. Fine - well, this is my frigging money as well - so I want to buy a new suit - or at least something to look smart.

AIBU????

No, yanbu. Your other suit doesn't fit, you need one which does, you buy the new suit. What does your DH expect you to wear otherwise?

yanbu

You pull down £80k+ as a household and you're skint? There's a saying... 'when money goes out of the door, love flies out of the window'. Perhaps, rather than sniping at each other over clothing, you should tackle the household budget together, agree some spending boundaries, work out some solutions?

YANBU. The best thing is for husbands and wives to refrain from commenting whether any garment is needed. If dh wants a new suit he buys one. If I want one I buy one. There needs to be mutual respect for each other's needs and judgement.

Yes Cogito - you are right it seems a lot - but with 3 young kids, lots of debt (which needs paid off - car loans, loans when was on mat leave, to pay for IVF - I've 3 lots of mat leave in the last 5 yrs with little or no income), nursery fees (which is £2000 a month btw), fuel, bills (our gas and electricity is £210 per month - I'm like whaaaa?), council tax (£250 per month), 2 cars to run, kids swimming, mobile phones etc - it all flies out as soon as it comes in, huge supermarket bills...

but my point is that eg I'm happy with a PAYG phone cos I have my work phone. But hubby went out and bought himself a lovely samsung note £30 a month (and prob to appease me) gets me a blackberry at £10 per month - then he critiscises me for needing to buy a suit for work purposes. Which is a one off and lasts for how long??? My husband did an MBA and could go out and earn a lot more - but I let him do his academic job "Because he enjoys it and has flexibility to come and see to the kids" - which is true. He nearly went dooally in a industry job so that is fine -I'd rather he be happy that way. I want to ditch the green thumb, the costly phones, the pet insurance, the all singing and dancing home insurance to get our monthlies down..... but he goes out and buys rubbish. that is what is making me so angry. I need to look smart for work!

I'm sorry but I think you both need to stop the childish point-scoring and start approaching family finances like grown-ups.

The suit is not the problem. I agree with cogito... This is pretty nasty point scoring.

1. You "let him do his academic job"? That's totally unreasonable. It's not up to you to choose his job. And it sounds like you contibuted to a bunch of financial decisions (more kids, for example) knowing how much he earns. Not fair to bitch about it now.

1. You definitely need a household budget, and need to agree what's left for personal expenditure, and what that covers (might I suggest suits, watches and mobile phones for starters ). That way, you each have a pot of money you can dip into without consulting your spouse. When it's gone, it's gone.

1. That energy bill is ridiculous. Get an electricity monitor, and switch off some radiators.

You need the suit. Go and buy it.
You also need to look at your household finances so do that too. £210 per month on gas and electric is ridiculous especially given that you are both out working for a good chunk of the day. If you have pets then you need pet insurance, you shouldn't compromise on that.
Reduce your food bill. You say your supermarket bill is high but you don't say how high. For a family of five (as long as none has special dietary needs) £100 per week should be perfectly doable and is enough to provide nutritious, healthy and tasty meals.
Pool your wages and then set aside a spending amount each month for each of you. If you both have the same amount to spend as you wish then there should be no need for resentment over one buying clothes or one buying gadgets etc.

You need to implement some of the tips off the Martin Lewis website:

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/

Quite simple tips but might leave you with more cash at the end of the month:

1- switch energy suppliers/ mobile providers etc
2 - switch supermarkets (I've changed from Tescos to Morrisons & saved £20 a week so £80 pm). Buy own brands & offers to reduce your bills.

1. - switch off all electrical appliances at source as they still consume energy on standby.

4 - make packed lunches for work & trips.

5- see if you are eligible to get PPI back on any log your loans & mortgages

1. Sell any old baby equipment / toys to fund Xmas toys for your dc. Join the christmas bargain thread to hunt for bargains & don't pay full price for anything.

Finally any savings that you make should fund a new suit & reducing your loan repayments!

Keep your pet insurance,my cm was stung with a £700 bill after her dog died because she didn't have pet insurance.

Join a wholesalers like Costco & buy nappies, loo rolls, washing powder & drinks in bulk catering packs. I go twice a year & save an absolute fortune on loo rolls etc.

YANBU!

I think you two need to budget better - this will include some moeny for each of you to spend without consulting the other one AND a sensible allowance for clothes AND it will fit into your jointly agreed plan to clear up your debts.

You two need to have an adult conversation about budgets and debt. That's going to be tricky to initiate if he is sniping about you getting a new suit. (And if you earn 60k you need to be able to dress as though you do - he may think that's daft but that's because he works in a different world.) But perhaps you could use the line "Your comments about me getting a new suit have made me think hard about our finanances and I think we should sit down and look at how we can improve them." ie make it sound as though he haspromted the rethink, but not saying YABU to him which would make things more entrenched.

It sounds as though you are paying off at least the minimum amounts every month, so you need to look at how you can pay off more see debtcamel.co.uk/debt-options/snowball/. Basically it comes down to earn more, spend less, pay less interest, but as important as these is better budgetting!

You work from home so your energy bill sounds OK to me but an energy monitor and turning the thermostat down will help, as will putting on a sweater.

Cheap clothes are false economy and and you need to dress for the salary you earn.

Stop sniping and find out where your money is going, your household has a fantastic income and you need to look at your outgoings together. Work out your household budget, and split the remainder into 3, savings and some independent spending money for each of you.

It is cheaper and less time consuming buying washing powder, nappies and toilet rolls in bulk from cash & carry type places but you do need the storage space.

Personally I combine cash & carry with Ocado deliveries you could have 2 deliveries a week as their minimum spend is £40. I find staying OUT the supermarkets saves me lots of money.

If you prefer to shop in person try aldi or lidl. There is no reason you should spend more than £100.

With 3 small children I doubt you are using shopping as a hobby but again stay away from the shops if you want to save money.

Your have good household income but life is expensive for you at the moment, work at reducing your debts, when the children go to school you will have far more disposable income and you work to hard to just watch it disappear.

I had to buy new work suits too! Buy the suit and don't get into a sniping match about it. You need it to do your job.

Look and see what you can to reduce your outgoings. I can't tell you about Lidll or Aldi because we haven't got them near but I can reccomened Amazon for bilk buying nappies and baby supplies

If you work from home, do you need 2 cars? Even the occasional taxi will be less than the running costs on a second car.

You can get perfectly reasonable suits from somewhere like M+S for less than £100, which is a drop in the ocean on your household income. Even if you are in massive debt, you need a reasonable allowance for clothes, but obviously shouldn't be buying clothes if you already have something suitable, but it sounds like you don't right now.

Your DH needs to sell all but two of his watches.

If you haven't had professional advice on your debt and budgeting, this may help - you have a good income so a few months/years of being careful might sort it out, if you post your incomings and outcomings on the debt section of the moneysavingexpert or motley fool debt forums, you will get lots of advice on the savings that can be made.