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Original poster

Terrified to tell my partner I'm in debt

42 replies

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 21:07

I am in debt, not a huge amount - maybe 7k, and I'm terrified to tell my other half as he is very sensible with money and would be horrified.

I didn't mean to get into debt. I was just spending slightly too much each month and it's accrued. I then took out payday loans as my repayments were leaving me short of money and we all know what a bad idea that is. Well at least I do now.

It all got too much and I cancelled my debit card and basically buried my head in the sand and ignored the letters.

I now have letters saying that companies are considering taking me to court and I'm panicking.

My credit rating is now shocking and this panics me as well as my partner (who owns our home himself) says that when the fixed rate period comes up on his mortgage he'd like to add me on to the mortgage and make the house 'ours'. This is amazing but obviously I know he'll then find out about my credit rating and effectively my debts.

I earn a good salary but don't have any spare cash each month and now don't spend on myself really at all. All my money goes into our home and our life.

I just don't know what to do. I just want the debts off my credit rating asap so they are hopefully disappeared by the time the mortgage comes up.

It sounds cowardly but I've considered asking my mum to take out a loan for me which I'll pay back as that way my partner would never find out and my credit rating can start to get better. But I'm even terrified to tell my mum as my family is a good family that would be horrified if they knew I'd messed up like this. I don't want to disappoint my family.

My biggest fear is losing or disappointing my partner. I love him and our life so much.

Please help. I'm a good person that's just made a mistake

OP posts:

Original poster

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 21:14

In addition to what I've said, my partner wants us to get married and wants children together. We've been together 5 years.

He is an amazing wonderful man that I love dearly.

I ask myself daily why I let myself get into this situation. It's not who I am and I'm so angry with myself.

OP posts:

LIZS · 12/09/2013 21:16

Definitely don't take out other finance to service the loan . You need to face up to it and address your overspending issue . If you have no housing costs and earn a decent wage exactly where does it go ? Start by accounting for every cash withdrawal and transaction then sit down and assess what was essential. Take back anything you don't need If you can demonstrate a willingness to address this hopefully your dp will feel able to support you and keep trust. CAB can help you with the legalities and budgeting to offer a repayment plan that you can stick to. Meanwhile you have to stop spending on credit, taking out loans and cut up any remaining cards etc. You have the opportunity to stop this now , if you don't you stand to lose it all.

WipsGlitter · 12/09/2013 21:20

I got into a terrible debt situation and hid it from DP. He was horrified to find out and tbh it nearly split us up. (It was a lot more than 7k). He helped me sort it and I began to track everything I spent. I'm still chipping away at the debt itself and should have it paid soon.

I totally understand. But you do need to work out where your money is going. x

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 12/09/2013 21:26

Ok hun. Been here. It's shit. However shit really happens to the loveliest people.....

Do you know the real figure in £ and p? No maybe. Don't need to say. But maybe you see ain't good.

Your house....is it in his name? You pay bills but not married? There's a form on land registry to register your interests in the house so it cannot be sold from under you. Someone will know. This needs submitting regardless. You are invested in the house. Protect yourself properly fgs.

The debt... No one likes to be in the dark. My advice is fess up. I would advise getting ALL letters together. Put in spreadsheet. Put in a line stating what you pay into house. Your salary. What's left. What else can you do? Sell a car? A bike? Essentially think coldly about what can you do. A second job? Put rough plan together. Then deep deep breath and say 'I have done this. I'm sorry. I have a few ideas to get me out. I NEED your help and input. What else can I do?'

People tend to respond better to solutions than just problems. But don't assume to have all answers. He has to be able to make suggestions.

Makes it sound so reasonable eh? There will be a bit of 'you did what?!?!!' If he loves you you will both triumph. It's fucking hard though. And a few dreams in short term might alter.

Good luck

Original poster

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 21:30

Thank you all for your replies.

About a year ago I sat down and worked out my monthly budget (still ignoring debt) and now manage my money well each month. I don't have any spending issues now I just don't know how to clear the debt and keep the love of my life!

OP posts:

Original poster

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 21:32

But I barely have any money to myself and don't know how to clear the debt

OP posts:

LittleMilla · 12/09/2013 21:32

Another one that's been there - my only advice is to fess up. My DH (Boyf at the time) was/is an accountant. Amazing with money, never in debt etc etc.

Once I managed to come clean he actually helped me organise repayment. And then proposed once my loan was laid off .

The guilt and everything else is horrid. And if your relationship is as fab as it sounds, I'm sure he'll support you and you'll work it out together.

WipsGlitter · 12/09/2013 21:33

Speak to CAB.

Original poster

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 21:35

I really hope so. I don't know how to brouch the subject. He's asked me a few times if I'm OK financially (he knows me too well clearly and can read my mind!) and I've said I'm fine. I don't want to disappoint him. That's worse than him being angry with me

OP posts:

vix206 · 12/09/2013 21:42

OP I was in your position 7 years ago except it was more like £10k. DH had no idea and is very sensible with money. It's the only thing I ever kept from him and it was absolute hell. I tried so hard to pay it off myself but was getting nowhere fast.

I told him in the end because we were thinking of buying a house, and obviously I didn't want to lie on the form so I had to confess. I was terrified, he was very shocked but not angry. More sad that I had shouldered it all without him and felt unable to go to him. The debt had built up over a 6 year period, none of it frivolous spending but stuff I should've told him about at the time rather than trying to hide to protect him (I supported him through uni and didn't like to stress him out with money problems...)

I basically told him about the debt, and that I felt incapable of looking after my finances, and that I wanted to hand over all decisions and plans to him. Sounds pathetic maybe but I was in a terrible mess. He helped me (financially and by budgeting for me) to pay off the debt over the next 5 years and since then we've been debt free and have no secrets. It made us stronger.

I'm sure if you sit down with your partner and show him how devastated you are about this, and ask for his help and understanding, that he will support you. Would you love him any less if it was the other way round? That's what I asked myself and the answer was 'no way!!!'

I really feel for you - I hope you can sort it all out.

vix206 · 12/09/2013 21:45

OP just read your recent post. My DH also asked me if I was ok several times, and I always said yes. There is no good time to tell him, other than a time when you have a day together and nothing important planned as he will be shocked and you will be upset. But the relief from letting go of the secret is immense. If he loves you (as I'm sure he does) this wont affect that. And as long as he sees how sorry you are, I don't think he will be disappointed in you.

What is the alternative?

Original poster

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 21:46

Thank you Vix.

Just need to find the courage from somewhere

OP posts:

sleepyhead · 12/09/2013 21:48

You can't have this sort of secret from your partner in a healthy relationship. You're already lying to him when he asks about money - not good.

I've been on the other side of this. Making plans based on what I thought our financial situation was. Feeling like an idiot when I found out the truth.

My partner didn't tell me himself. I found out via the endless debt chasing calls and the pile of final demands hidden in a drawer. Please have the respect for him to tell him yourself.

We got through it. I was angry and disappointed but we sorted it out together. Money problems aren't the end of the world but lies and deceit are corrosive to the best relationship.

DO NOT get your mum to take out a loan for you. That's head burying stuff.

vix206 · 12/09/2013 21:50

I really think if you can be as sincere as you have been with us 'it's not me a s I'm so angry with myself' he will see that you need his help.

In the great scheme of things it isn't a massive amount, and the damage you're doing to yourself now with all the guilt and self loathing is (IME) 1000 times worse than having that difficult conversation.

I remember my DH actually being relieved because I went to him in the morning and was crying saying I had to tell him something. He thought I was going to leave him!! So when I said I had debt he was shocked but relieved.

Original poster

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 21:54

He's working abroad for the next two weeks so I can't really do anything.

Our relationship has really got so much more amazing lately (talking of proposals etc) and selfishy I don't want to ruin any of that. I've been desperate for a proposal from him for years.

I know this doesn't seem like my priority right now.

Just wish I could click my fingers and make it all go away. I don't want to be rich, I don't want loads of material items in life. I just want me and my other half and our life.

OP posts:

vix206 · 12/09/2013 21:56

Well I really think it sounds like you've got a very good, happy and strong relationship. You just need to find the strength to get this out in the open and then you can properly look to the future.

Original poster

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 21:57

Thank you Vix

OP posts:

Pontouf · 12/09/2013 21:59

I've been in a very similar situation. Racked up a load of debt on high interest credit cards whule kn mat leave the first tome round and then the monthly payments were clearing me out. I got a loan to pay the cards off (at a much better rate) but didn't tell DH about it. We are now at a point where we have come to the end of our fixed term mortgage so need to remortgage and I was bricking it that it'd come out so I told him. He was disappointed but glad I told him. He has been really good about it to be honest and I feel so much better now the weight has lifted. It was better i think because I had a solution and am paying it off without getting into more debt so I'd try to get something sorted first, before you tell him. Maybe the CAB could help?

Pontouf · 12/09/2013 22:01

Sorry for all the typos, seem to have enormously fat fingers tonight!

Original poster

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 22:04

I'm really glad I'm not the only one.

It's awful and the stress and guilt has changed my personality, for good I think. I can't cope with stress at work as I used to be able to and I'm in a management position. I don't sleep as well.

I'm terrified someone will knock on our door.

I think part of me decided at some point I'd get a chunk of money from somewhere and it would be OK.

It really is healing writing all this down and getting so much help and support from others

OP posts:

vix206 · 12/09/2013 22:09

I also always thought something would happen to enable me to pay all or most of it off. I was lucky in that I never got into any trouble so never had threatening letters etc. I can imagine how much more stressful that would be

You will come out of this though, and it will change you for the better eventually.

I'm signing off now as I've an early rising DS but will keep an eye on this thread and do feel free to PM me if you need a sympathetic hand to hold!

CoolaSchmoola · 12/09/2013 22:09

Don't get your mum to take out a loan for you - if you can't service your debt now another loan would add to your stress not diminish it.

You need to tell him. It won't be fun, but the pressure of lying being lifted off your shoulders will be immense.

ThisIsMummyPig · 12/09/2013 22:27

I have been on this from the other side. My then BF had racked up debts before we met, and never told me (they were mostly to buy cars so he could get to work, nothing extravagant). Every month I paid what I could for everything and could not understand why we never had any money. Then I found out he was repaying £350 a month, which was a huge amount to us.

If I had known, I could have budgeted for it. It was the not knowing that hurt me.

It wasn't what split us up, btw

Original poster

moneyworried · 12/09/2013 22:38

I know I'm going to have to tell him now. I just need to work out how

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/09/2013 09:42

Start with 'I have a problem'. If he cares about you, he'll listen. If he's good with money, he'll help you fix the problem. If his reaction is so furious with you about your debts that he ends the relationship, surely it's better to face up to that now rather than keep hiding this from him, get a ring on your finger and then tell him he married a liar?

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