How do you divide your outgoings with your dp?

[whatshallwedo]

I have returned to work part-time so have halved my wage.

Dp and I have always paid the same amount into our joint account to cover the mortgage, council tax, water, tv licence and life insurance. He then pays for food, gas and electricity while I pay for dd's clothes, toys and activities. We don't have childcare costs thankfully.

Now that I am unable to earn any extra money I'm not sure that this way is entirely fair now but dp begrudges giving me any money and wants to know why I need it etc which makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable for asking him.

I have worked out that my wage is equivalent to 23% of his if that makes a difference to my question.

So could you please give me an idea of what other people do and feel free to tell me I am lucky (or not) with the way things are already.

OP, sorry that this thread has highlighted some uncomfortable truths. You deserve someone who is going to be a proper "partner" in life.

I am sorry but this doesn't sound fair or respectful at all.

All of our earnings go into a joint account and bills are paid from that. We both get a fixed amount that goes into our own accounts to do what we want with.

When DH and I met he had a lot of debts which he still had when we married. When we pooled our finances when we married our joint income paid off the remainder of debts. I don't begrudge that as we are a family - I am now a SAHM and when I work I earn a fifth of what he earns so it all becomes equal. He is super generous and never questions me when I go off and have coffee and days out.

I think this highlights a bigger issue in the relationship.

I know this has moved on from the money, but my $0.02...

DP and I earn about the same. He has debts that pre-date me and debts he built up when he was with me that I didn't know about. So I sat down and looked at all our income and outgoings. I pay all bills from my account, worked out the minimum I needed from him plus a bit of "float" and that goes into my account every month. Then, and this is important, ALL the money he earns pays off his debts. He even asks me if it's ok for him to buy clothes, because he knows I hate him having debts. I usually have a bit more money to spare than him, even though he pays less into the pot. When his debt is gone, -I- we will re-evaluate.

For me, that's the only reason not to be 50/50 on the disposable cash.

Hmmm - I've asked DH about this several times but he said he's happy with our current set up.

Basically I earn 5x his take home. DH works for himself from home. I pay for everything in the house, mortgage, insurance council tax, bills etc. I do the big food shops, I pay for the TV/internet etc. I (9 times out of 10) pay for meals out, and pay for all holidays.

He pays for his phone, and sends me about £200 a month for other bills. he buys day to day food, and his own nights out. If we are together then generally I pay.

I have asked him about a joint account and he said he doesnt' feel the need. he will be doing the majority of childcare when DC1 arrives shortly, and I imagine then I will do even more food shops/baby stuff shops.

So long as both parties are happy then it should be fine. if one of you isn't happy - that;s when there are issues.

I don't work I look after the home and our dcs, dh works full time.
I contribute nothing financially but do in other ways ( house is clean and tidy, clothes always washed and ironed food always available etc)
Dh pays all the bills then the tiny bit left over is split between the two of us after a family day out, generally only £40 for the month each.

The alternative is dh keeping every penny to himself because he earned it but he'd never ever do that as I raise his kids and look after the home and I guess we have traditional values?

When I return to work my money will go in the same account and we will then increase our monthly savings and increase our disposable personal income slightly and use the leftover to finish jobs in the house.

Everything is shared in this family. I insisted on it before we married, I'd have run for the hills otherwise.

We stick the equivalent of three hundred quid in the food and bills pot each every month, and another fifty each in the booze pot.

Holidays, we split the cost of the flights and hotels, then just put some into a spending pot.

If we go out in the week, one of us will just treat the other.

The only major expense we don't share is the anniversary weekend in a naice hotel, which I pay for.

The remainder, which is quite a bit for both of us, is saved.

I suppose I would like to have more shared finances, but the system is working for us. How much more complicated everything seems when the first baby comes along.

The house is in both of our names, I wouldn't have bought it if it wasn't.

I did suggest a few years ago that I could look at his account and help him to work out a quicker way of paying off his debts instead of just the minimum each month but he wouldn't let me.

He doesn't like the idea of giving me money each month but it would mean that he was still better off each month than if I said 50/50 or I pay a %.

All gets chucked in the pot here and we spend what we want (although we're fairly frugal anyway).

My Mum had this problem with my Dad and I vowed we would be open about money. Works for us.

Controversially DH and I have separate personal finances but we do have a running household account where we equally contribute money to cover mortgage, food, bills, childcare etc.

All fun money and personal money is then an ongoing conversation. I contribute more to this, I earn more so eg I will pay for holidays if DH is low on funds. We both work FT.

I would not put up with the situation you describe. IMO it borders on financial abuse.

Putting "money in a booze pot", "splitting the cost of flights"... Isn't that what flatmates/students/friends do?

I just can't imagine it. All the splitting and counting and allocating. Why won't people pool it all and spend as they wish? Weird to me. Everyone's different I suppose...

Well, putting it in a pot isn't really any different from putting it in a joint account, is it? Anyway, joint accounts don't exist in this country. Therefore money has to be under my name or DW's, and it makes no sense to keep it all under one name, in case anything happens to either of us, and the other is faced with having to withdraw money from the bank that is in the other person's name.

Flights is only once or twice a year, and is only a bank transfer.

And why is our system lots of counting?

It's a painless matter of transferring 300 quid (in yen) to her account, and sticking a note in the booze wallet. The latter would be more faff it it was an account, as the local booze shop only takes cash.

I know I am just adding to much the same as has already been said, but it may help op to hear it from lots of different people.

Op - I personally couldn't and wouldn't live in a relationship where we had his money and my money. Everything goes into one pot here and we spend it on bills, kids etc and if we want something for ourselves (such as a night out or a new phone) then we discuss it to see if we can afford it and then get it.

My view is if you are in a relationship then you are one half of a whole in terms of money and resources. It doesn't matter who works longer hours, or who earns most.

Mind you it would be different if we didn't have kids and one of us didn't work and just sat around all day - then I would feel differently. As long as both of us are working (and I include childcare and housekeeping in that) then we feel equal and therefore share everything.

I think you have problems.

Thanks, it does help to hear other people's thoughts and opinions because when you are living it you see it as normal and accept it.

We do have problems I can see that and alot of it stems from dd being born and dp not coping well with the fact he was responsible for another person. In many ways his life has been unchanged - if anything he spends more time doing new hobbies than he did before.

I'm not sure how I should approach the situation as in the past he has said I need to take some of the blame for our problems (I'm super untidy but I'm working on it ).

Another thing is that he sees his friend not lift a finger as his wife does everything from feeding the baby it's meals to tidying the house. I am not a slave so I don't see why he can't be asked to feed dd or clean the bathroom etc.

So to get another view on our lives how is your housework split please just so I can see if I am lazy or not?

Housework is split 50/50 too. Sorry. We both work f/t and have a young toddler, so it's not an amazing amount of housework, and we both have areas we only do (I do washing, he does the garden etc), but it is roughly split. If I was working p/t and he was f/t I would try and do a little bit more of any housework that was easy-ish to do with a young child around, like washing up, wiping surfaces, quick dusting while they are watching telly. So maybe it would end up being a 70/30 split.

I know you've probably not come on here to get your entire relationship ripped apart but... he has you doing most/all of the childcare, and most/all of the housework, both of which allow him to work f/t AND do a lot of hobbies, and he isn't even willing to share the money with you/

I don't often say this on here, but - what on earth are you getting out of this relationship?

Sorry OP, this must be hard for you. I wouldn't stand for it either. DH works ft and I work very part time freelance. He earns 10x what I do at least. We have one account and pay everything into it. We pay essential bills from it and if one of us wants to buy something expensive/frivolous we discuss it.

I do most of the housework and childcare because I work much less and am home more, but DH does plenty and doesn't object to it. That's how it should be.

I have more hobbies than DH but we just talk about who's going out and when, it's rarely a problem.

Like Celtic, I'm freelance and part-time (though currently distracting myself from working to meet a deadline) and earn a fraction of what DP earns.

He tends to apologise for this. Partly because he's a big softy and partly because he feels guilty that getting landed with the majority of the childcare (SN child involved) somewhat stalled my career.

Shared joint account here.

Errm, we're about equally crap at housework.

We have a joint account that all our money goes into. We share it, it's irrelevant who has put more in, we both contribute to the family.

Housework wise - I do more as I am at home more and work part time. I tend to make sure that I do roughly the same number of hours 'working' (i.e. paid work and 'home' work such as housework) as dh does in paid work/travel. Then the rest is split 50:50. We don't work it out exactly or have set jobs but tend to just keep going until everything is done.

What we do do is have approximately the same 'down time' each - watching tv, going out etc. We get about one evening off each a week from about 7pm and then time when we feel particularly knackered or just need it. It tends to balance out.

We both feel that each other work hard and to be honest I would say take equal responsibility for our lives in every respect. We do not have his or her jobs.

thurlow tbh I don't actually know what I get out of it anymore.

It looks like the housework is fair, I do hoovering, dusting, washing, putting washing away and general tidying.

He does toilet, bathroom, grass and 90% of cooking. The kitchen tends to be shared as does dd.

The only difference is that I don't ask him to do his jobs as I know he knows they are there whereas he often asks what I am doing on my days off and if I say I'm taking dd somewhere he tells me not to forget that the hoovering needs doing (thurs and sun).

I think that this is what I struggle with the most as I don't stop him or put conditions on him going out several times a week.

I would find it irritating to be told about housework jobs in the home so I don't blame you for feeling offended! I don't work and have most school hours free but DH still does half the housework, deals with most admin, and has much slacker expectations in terms of housework (we don't Hoover twice a week here...) We both have a lot of hobby/interest time but mine is normally in the school day while dd is at school, DH will go to classes after work in the week.

Are the debts on credit cards or loans? If he is just paying the minimum on credit cards, it could take decades to pay off. There are ways to deal with debts more efficiently, even if bankruptcy isn't an option because of your mortgage, like IVAs or other debt management plans. But it's your DP who would have to sign up for it, and it sounds like he isn't going to. It must be incredibly frustrating, as its almost like throwing money away.

He has a loan which is the obe that is ending and a credit card which is now 0% but he is still only paying the minimum so even though there isn't any interest to pay it won't make much of a dent in it