Cohabiting finance for a couple expecting a baby

[Daisy00Chain]

My DP and I have been together for a year and are expecting our first DC. He earns 3x what I do. We keep separate finances and contribute similar proportions of our incomes to shared expenses.

We had our first major disagreement about money today when I returned home something I bought with my own savings and was accused of being selfish with my £ as there are still baby items we need and DP feels that I should have spent any spare money on that.

I have scrimped and saved to buy it, flogging stuff on ebay, repairing, sewing, doing without etc.... while DP is much freer with his money and regularly spends as much as I did today on one of his favourite passions - nice wine. (I don't drink.) I have never questioned him because he earned more so I that was fair enough.... but now I'm wondering?

We live comfortably and there was no reason to think baby items would not be afforded.

How do other couples manage their finances when they earn v different amounts?

My partner and I are probably in a fairly similar situation - we have just had our first baby after 18 months together. We've had separate finances other then the household bills (which we both contribute to equally, into a joint account) and I pay the mortgage (it's my house, which I had bought before we were together) The difference is that I'm the higher wage earner (2.5x)

When we found out we were expecting our baby, we made a list of things that we would need before the baby arrived, and a month-by-month plan of when we would buy them. We set a budget for what we thought reach item would cost, and took it in turns to get bits and pieces, depending on which we thought we would like to be 'in charge' of looking into (i.e. my DP was happy to research prams/travel systems and find an appropriate one for us/our car/entrance hall. I was happy to pick the cot/bedding. He looked at car seats etc)

I'd say that in the end the split of "who paid for what" roughly reflected our salaries. It wasn't really something that we thought about, but having the list meant that we had a plan and e could both feel involved in choosing/taking responsibility for making decisions (obviously in consultation with each other!)

When budgeting, we put individual expenditures to the back burner when we knew it was going to be an expensive month for purchases. I wouldn't look at shoes (my indulgence!) and he was in the process of getting another large tattoo (sleeve - costing over a thousand pounds) and would avoid scheduling sessiona when money was tight.

If there's no reason to think that you won't be able to afford the baby items, then I think your partner is being a bit unreasonable having a go about how you spend your money - especially when it sounds like you've been really working to Dave and put aside cash. Maybe making a list would put it in perspective and help to prioritise what is really important and when things need to be purchased (i.e. what is essential before baby arrives, and what can wait until after your baby arrives) A list also meant that when friends/family asked if there was something that they could buy for us, we were able to let them know what we were yet to buy.

Good luck with it all - I hope that you manage to have a chat and sort out finances and priorities. It's not feasible to deny yourself everything when finances aren't really a problem. While I think we could all agree that baby comes first, if you have a plan for how you are going to afford all the baby paraphernalia, I can't see why it's impossible to buy anything for yourselves.

PS our little boy is now a month old, we've managed to buy everything we needed (and more, really) Often the stuff that you think you'll need really isn't that necessary! It's far too easy to get sucked in by the hype :-)

Make a comprehensive list of all shared expenses... regular things like utility bills, mortgage/rent, groceries, insurance, rainy-day savings, childcare costs (once you're back at work) and a budget for irregular stuff like Christmas presents, holidays, baby stuff etc. Those are top priority. Then work out how much each needs to put in the joint account to cover the joint expenses and how much you can retain for 'spends'... personal expenses. Ideally, you should both retain a similar amount for this and the rest goes joint.

If you should ever decide to give up work to care for your child, retain your personal account at all costs and make sure you get an allowance deposited into it each month together with any child-related benefits (if applicable). If you have very different attitudes to money, being dependent on the one that's prepared to criticise your spending whilst at the same time being a spendthrift is unwise.

Having had one dd already and expecting another dc very soon I don't think having children together and keeping finances like that works - you really need to share all your money, it should be family money. Me and dh have two joint accounts, a household one an a spending one. We pay a set amount into the spending and keep enough in the house one to pay for bills and food. He earns more than me but it works out the same proportion of our wages. Basically we then "split" whatever is left equally to spend. Why should your dh have more money than you when you will be raising your child (on maternity leave or whatever) and you all live together???

Don't give up your job while you are still unmarried.

Once I got pregnant, me and DH got our wages paid into joint account, and we split any money left once bills paid, food bought etc equally between us. We each wanted to retain some money separately (I love shopping, he loves computer stuff) that we could spend without consulting each other. This works perfectly for us, and now that I'm a SAHM (and while I was on maternity leave) it seemed like the only fair way to do it.

Prior to children we had a joint account which we paid a set amount in each month (previously had worked out how much mortgage, utility bills, food etc would cost). Anything after this amount was kept in our personal accounts and we did what we wanted to with it.

Once we had children we found that most of our spending was/is on things connected to us all - grabbing lunch on days out, items for the children etc etc. So then we worked out a set amount we would like in each of our personal accounts per month for items which we individually need and everything else goes into the joint account. I use my personal account for things like cosmetics, clothes, hobbies. We can then either spend as it goes in (me - clothes) or save for bigger items (dh - posh bike). I was keen for this amount to be a percentage of our salaries as dh earns significantly more than I do but his point was that we're a family and just because he earns more he shouldn't just keep it.

We review this set up every couple of months and together go through a budget. This seems very strict and boring but it works. It ensures everything is out in the open, neither of us is spending "our" money willy nilly and importantly we're financially stable.

Above all though, you have to have an open, honest and calm debate on your feelings towards money.

Nobody has said so far what to me seems like the most obvious solution: share all your money. Agree major items of expenditure together. Trust each other to spend appropriate amounts on yourself.

The alternative just seems so incredible complicated, and I personally feel that if I am trusting DH with the rest of my life (eg having 2 children with him, being completely emotionally open with him etc etc), then sharing money just seems a no-brainer. And to me not that big a deal.

I take home almost double what DH does by the way. And a large proportion of the equity in our house is "mine" because it came from money I inherited. It has never ever occurred to me that this means I should be allowed to have double the "treats" that he does, or that he is spending "my" money. We are both sensible and respectful of our bank balance without being controlling over what the other person spends.

I agree with what Wigeon said. We've always just had a joint account, everything goes in it and everything comes out of it.

Until a few years ago I earned more than DH, then I was made redundant. I got a low-paid job so he earned about 4x me, now I've got a better paid (although I hate it) job he only earns slightly more than me. At no point did I consider splitting the accounts up and he never asked to.
We are renovating a house at the moment so that's where all the money is going, but before that, when we had time for hobbies the costs tended to balance out.
I do find it hard to understand the "this is mine and that's yours" mentality. We share a house, we share the children it seems sensible to share the money.

We have always had a joint account. It's our joint income and we both have equal say over how it gets spent.

I earned more than him for a few years. Then I was a SAHM. Now I'm working but earning about a third of what he does.

We have a joint account and separate accounts. Joint account pays all household/car expenses- we both have access. Previous to DS we contributed in line with our earnings- now its a lot more one-sided (not really a joint account anymore on income side). DP looks after the joint account (and sorts out household expenses and any adjustments to what i need to put in) - i occasionally grumble about where the money goes. I actually tend not to use it - so if I do a food shop its out of my money etc - I pretty much buy everything for DS.
I think different ways work for different people and depend on your attitude to money and what you earn. But i cannot imagine making DP scrimp and save the way you describe when I had money available..

Ok, we are married but we both had our own accounts and then we opened a joint account.

Our salaries were paid into our own accounts but we transferred money into the joint account by standing order. We were both left with the exact same amount of money in our own accounts. That way, I could have my hair cut/buy clothes for me etc without having to answer for what I had bought. Oh we also transferred money from the joint account into a savings account for holidays etc.

I should point out that at that stage DH earnt about 4 times what I did, he now earns about 6 times what I did.

So when it came to baby stuff we just blitzed through our "own" money fairly evenly.

I am now a SAHM, he earns it all. I still have my own account, I have child benefit paid into that and it is classed as the "cash" account. I take out all the cash and we use it for window cleaner money, coffee out, sports activities etc.

He has his salary paid into his own account but transfers it into the joint account, it pays for everything. It is "our" money. I never understand having a child with someone but not having a joint account and "our" money unless one person is financially irresponsible.

I have a credit card in DH's name, I do all the food shopping/clothes shopping for the children/shoes/bags/gym kits etc. It is all paid off at the end of the month. I don't buy Jimmy Choo shoes I plan the holidays (works for us) he never sets me a budget because I know what we should spend on a holiday.

We have been together for 16 years so he knows I won't be stupid with the money. It is there for all of us as a family.

Agree with athing.

Keep a secret savings account just in case.

I don't understand why people have advised the OP to keep a "secret savings account". If your a couple and your having a child your relationship is obviously serious and secrets should not be kept.

If your not married and want to retain security keep separate accounts, but you should be considering your money as ours, not yours and mine (in my opinion obviously).

I agree with loony bun....what's his is ours. He earns more (x3) but it goes to a shared account as does my contribution. Living as a family means just that to us, there's no his money my money...it could lead to a very unhealthy relationship! Of course it's fair to keep a check in what the other is spending but I think your partner is being unfair to criticise you, and you need to tell him so!
The first post had awesome advice too about lists and monthly plans of what to purchase...go with that sensible person!!
Good luck!

Oh and I forgot to add these secret accounts are scary I think, if I found out my DH had one I would be heart broken! By all means keep savings but why secretly!! It screams "why yes we've had a child together, I trust you enough to exchange vows and promise to spend the rest of our lives together, but i want to be able to run away from you when the time comes!"
I trust my DH implicitly...I love him and even if we separated I know we would both be secure.
Secret accounts are a trust issue! IMHO!!!

Everything goes in the joint account.

Bills are paid by dd from that account.

Dp transfers some to his personal account to cover a debt he doesn't want me mixed up in.

Income varies wildly atm because we're both temping - he's looking for permanent, I'm cruising for mat leave.

We talk to each other about things we want and need, then decide to buy or not as discussed.

I have savings of my own which he's aware of. However, I own the flat we live in (it predates the relationship) so need to be ready to replace boiler/whatever if necessary.

I'm sorry to say, but if you are ready to have a child together then you are ready for a joint bank account, joint savings and joint everything. Why do you still make decisions about money separately when you will be making decisions about everything else together.

If he can buy wine you can buy your shoes (or whatever it was), together with your joint finances. Keeping money separate is a round about way of not trusting each other. Just get on with it.

Thanks to everyone for your help on this and for sharing how you do things in your household - it's been a real eye opener.

The good news is that DP agreed that things weren't fair and we have opened up a joint account and will have the same amount of spending money each month from now on. Although the initial argument was horrible and really upsetting it's all worked out for the best and we both feel more like a family unit and trust each other more.

However he still maintains that my original purchase (acoustic guitar) was somewhat selfish... but when he sees me playing five little speckled frogs to our little one I'm sure he'll change his mind :-)

And btw I won't be secretly saving on the sly!