Maternity leave - how does your family finance it?

[kelpie6333]

I feel silly posting this but my friends don't talk about money and I have a feeling I've put myself at a disadvantage.

My husband makes a very good salary and I earn about half of what he does so still a good salary. He largely sorts out the large finances like the mortgage, car, investments (I know I am going to get flamed for not getting more involved in that). I cover groceries, the kids, 1/2 school fees and generally day to day expenses.

I am receiving ok maternity benefits which are carrying me through my leave (I'm taking a year) but I have had to cut back on my savings (no contributions), pension (minimal contribution) and credit card payments (minimal contributions but I'm on 0% interest).

In the meantime my husband has not decreased any of his contributions to his finances/savings.

I feel as though I am bearing the brunt of financing my maternity leave yet it is "our family". I basically know the answer to my question, 'get my husband to contribute' but I didn't know what other families do?

All dhs and my money goes in to one account and has done since we were age 19. Then we just sort it from there and then everything is shared. We did this a few years before kids so I have never really known any other way in my adult life. I think its best as then if one of you is making less everything is still shared and the same.

I get a good maternity deal but even so we have had to rebudget a little.

I get six months full pay effectively, then 3 months SMP then three months nothing so I worked out what I would be saving in the first 6 months on nursery fees and travel costs and saved it to finance the final 6 months shortfall.

The main thing is that all our money goes into one pot in the first place and our individual cash and bills comes from there so that is a major difference in the first place that we don't divide bills between us. Even each others credit cards and phones are 'our' bills as the money has to come from somewhere or we don't function as a financial unit.

I think the not pooling of salaries is the thing you need to tackle.

It all makes sense, thanks for your comments and being gentle with me! I guess I have confused ideas about finances because my mum always told me to keep my finances separate to my husband's because my parents used to pool money and my dad spent it all (my mum only found out in her 50's they did not have any savings)! Not a normal example but it stuck with me nonetheless (not that I don't trust my husband 100%).

It will be a tricky conversation because last maternity leave I had, I had very little mat pay from work (different company) so my husband gave me an "allowance" based on what I needed for expenses. Not ideal.

We saved up when i was pregnant and still working so we would have money to cover us when i went down to statutory smp. My husband earns slightly more than me, we have seperate bank accounts and a household account. It all got a bit complicated with the mortgage coming out of my account, bills out of the bills account etc so my husband basically did a spreadsheet with our salaries and what bills we were paying/ expenses etc. The upshot was he worked it out so after all the bills were paid we would both have the same disposable income at the end of the month to spend on what we want. He earns slightly more than me so every month transfers money to me so we both have the same 'spends'. We also have a joint savings account (for hols etc) and if we want to save or spend our ' spends' its up to us individually. (hope that makes sense).

I think you need to talk to your husband- you are a family and he is being very unfair. You should not financially be disadvantaged because you are on ml.

We have separate accounts but one spreadsheet and put all incomings, outgings and our pocket moneys and savings in the spreadsheet and move the money around as needed.
We each have our own accounts and own savings accounts but I am a SAHM and dh is the only one earning at present. Makes no difference where the money comes from - we both need down time as well as need to eat etc. He has a standing order for the things that go out of my account (utilities, phone, groceries, my pcket money, kids stuff etc), keeps what is required in his account (mortgage, insurance, petrol, his pocket money etc). Rest goes into various savings accounts - his, mine and the kids).
We did the same when I was the only one earning and he was doing a masters.
Every few months we sit and have a look at the spreadsheet and accounts together and he looks at the accounts at least every weekend and shuffles it around. The less money we have the more shuffling he does - I think he hopes it'll magically increase....

we have our own accounts and a joint account. many moons ago when DH earned loads more than I did (I'm now the one with the biggest income ) we worked out the cost of running our home - that included mortgage, council tax, water, leccy, gas, sky, house & car insurance - basically everything you can think of that we both used. We then divided that amount proportionately between us. As DH earned about double what I did, he put in about 2/3 and I put 1/3. Then the rest of our money was our own to do with as we wanted. Whenever there was a change in income, we would recalculate so that at any time, we contribute the proportion that corresponds to our income. During my last ML, I put in hafl of what I would normally while I was on half pay, then DH took over for the last few months when I wasn't getting anything. Hope that makes sense!

We combine our finances, and as both of us are self employed we have both been without/reduced income - me when I was on maternity leave and DP when he snapped his achilles tendon.

Its swings and roundabouts. I'm all in favour in each having financial independance - but we view all the money that comes into our home as money for everyone. Neither of us would set an allowance for the other.

When I was on maternity leave I wasn't bringing in my usual wage but I was bringing up our child so still contributing to the family IYSWIM.

"I know I am going to get flamed for not getting more involved in that"

This. I'm not going to flame you exactly but you absolutely have to sit down DH and go through the finances together. If you don't know what's going on and what money is going where then you are automatically in a weak position and your ignorance can be exploited. Which is what is happening. Get to grips with total income and total outgoings.... then make sure everything is allocated proportionally. You can still keep your own accounts (and your mother's right to a point), but you have to divvy things up more fairly.

We have a joint account for everything house which I am in charge of. I contribute to this but not nearly the same as dh.

I think with dc1 I occasionally asked for some money from dh, I have no shame in this and he didn't mind. It was more for doing stuff with the dc than for me having my hair done.

Perhaps you could ask your dh to take 1/3 off his savings and put it into yours for the duration of the ML? Or perhaps he pays the full school fees for the duration of ml and you pay that into your savings?

It shouldn't have to be a tricky conversation as long as you aren't chucking money out at stuff that you don't need then it is fair enough I think.

Now I am off ml I pay for groceries, at home child care and 1/2 the cleaner, presents for family and other bits and bobs but then I earn about 1/10th of what dh does. I do however have a company car which we use as a family (which is why my salary is so low) and dh gets childcare vouchers for nursery/school.

Since DH and I moved in together, back when we were just DPs, we got a joint account. Both wages go into there. We then totted up all the running costs of home and car, inc food, gym memberships etc, and worked out what our expendable income was. From that, we decided to take £50 each a week for 'spends'. The rest was saved.

Now im on Mat Leave (stat minimum pay, grrr, damn you large worldwide corporation), the amount we have to spend is less, but also I am saving on barely any petrol, snacks at work etc. We are still able to take our 'spends' out if we want, though we are going out less with having a teeny baby, and the amount that is left to 'save' is reduced.

I would really hate to be in a position where I have an allowance given to me by DH out of his wallet, or ever felt I needed to go and ask for more moeny.

I don't understand couples or families who don't pool their income. Childcare / maternity leave is a household expense - the fact they you're not working is a decision you've presumably made as a couple - your husband could have stayed at home with the child (and therefore not be earning) so the fact that you've got a significantly lower income is not simply down to you - I'm guessing you were both involved in making the baby .

We have always pooled our salaries since we lived together, all the expenses come out of the joint account and we each have some "spends" transferred to our individual accounts (which we use to pay for our phones / hobbies / clothes etc). When I was pregnant, we saved up beforehand but did a new "budget" for when I was on maternity leave and reduced things like savings / pension contributions etc but then still had some "spends" each - each of us with the same amount, but a lower amount than we'd had when we were both working.

"I don't understand couples or families who don't pool their income."

Then you're fortunate enough not to have been in a relationship with a spendthrift DH or DP that rattles through the joint account contents quicker than you can earn money to fill it back up. You're also fortunate if you've not had the same person run out on your marriage and leave you without so much as a pot to piss in. But, for those of us who have been saddled with such execrable examples of men in the past, and who would have been up shit creek if we'd pooled everything, maintaining some financial independence was literally a life-saver.

I'm sorry "Cogito" - yes, I am lucky and I didn't mean to cause offence by that statement. Obviously pooling income is my view of the way forward with 2 responsible partners funding the household / childcare as a unit. If you haven't got that, then yes, I see it doesn't work but I think the OP was asking based on having 2 incomes / being a couple.

Ug.

I have been fighting with DH over minor things over the past 2 days (i.e. him helping out around the house, with kids, etc) and he brings up his "all I am is a bank" argument. In the heat of the moment, I said that he isn't a bank because I don't take any money from him as I have been financing my own maternity leave and I am in debt still paying off my LAST maternity leave (long story, my fault, I put groceries, etc on credit card because I thought I wasn't managing my budget well enough when in fact, I should have told DH that I didn't have enough money for household bills each month).

Anyway, he got really upset going on about how he pays for the house, the car, etc etc. I really pressed a button with him. I will have to wait a while before I can bring up the "let's pool money" conversation now.

But it does bring up a really good point that he feels he is a "bank" and that "HE pays for things" because he does consider it "his" money. Not ours.

Kelpie, your dh let you get into debt on groceries on a cc? Seriously? Yet he is saving money on a monthly basis?

I can truly say I am shocked. Horribly shocked. Regardless of individual ideas of pooling or not pooling cash, you should not be getting into debt for your FAMILY whilst he has savings. It makes no sense, he won't be earning nearly as much interest as you are paying.

I am truly shocked and if he was a friends dh I would tell him to his face he is a pillock. How dare he. Your having dc affects both of you, not just him. So selfish I am horrified. And I am one who doesn't pool with dh.

kelpie maybe now is actually a good time to bring it up, if you take the line that the argument you've just had has made it clear that your finances aren't working for either of you? Make it about both of you tackling this problem together to secure your family's finances.

Good point maxpower. We're both walking on eggshells right now so let me try to pluck up some courage to go into the next room and not default to pressing his buttons...be calm, be calm! :)

Do you (both) have life insurance? Working out what amount of money you would want to replace you is a good way to demonstrate an equal partnership even if you earn different amounts.

As for having separate finances - that can be done while having a joint 'pot'. Everything goes into one joint account, and any surplus gets shared 50:50 onto separate savings, pension, etc, with perhaps some into joint savings for joint expenses such as a new car.

And your case sounds like an excellent example of where you need to maintain your financial independence at the same time as getting him to cough up his fair share to the household bills. I've seen so many relationships where the woman pitches in her income as 'ours' and is happy to meet household expenses.... and the man selfishly continues to see his income as 'mine', expects praise & thanks if he deigns to put his hand in his pocket, and thinks any suggestion that he's not paying a fair share is a personal attack. It's all too common

@Mandy21.... I wasn't offended. :) But a lot of women find themselves badly treated financially by selfish partners. Either by thinking their income is theirs to spend and not tipping up the housekeeping as the OP is finding, or by blewing the household money on rubbish or running up debts. When I see people who pool all their cash together I always think 'I hope you know what you're doing'... because, no matter how lovely that man you're with (and it's usually a man) seems to be, money brings out the worst in some people -especially when it gets a little short.

Partner and I have own accounts and a joint account for everything 'joint' (household/car expenses, child care, food, etc but not personal debt). Each pay a %age of monthly salary equal to %age of overall takehome pay to joint account - think its 52/48 at the moment, then whats left is our own to pay any debt or save.

Really interested in all that has been said on this thread. I'm pregnant with DC1, so this issue is a few months away for me but I'm already pondering how things are going to work.
Been living with DP for almost 4 years, and when we moved in together we set up a joint account for mortgage/household bills/groceries etc. We earn a similar salary so each pay same sum into this account each month, and all other income is separate. This suited us both, joint account is important but otherwise our money is our own. Particularly aware of this as he is DP, not DH...stable, committed relationship but you never know what the future holds.
My income will drop dramatically when on ML, so if I keep paying the same share of home expenses it will be a huge hit on my savings. Already said in passing to DP that after baby we'll have to look at joint money issues and think he'll agree with me that we need to move away from 50:50, but it will be a change for both of us to shift that balance.
If I was giving advice to anyone else I'd definitely say make sure you have some of your own money in your own name (which he may or may not know about ), but joint account for household costs seems simpler than 'he pays this, I pay that'.

DP and I have had a joint account for about 10 years now - both salaries go into it, all expenses come out of it. We've also got a joint savings account. I earn significantly less than him now, but probably spend a lot more. It works for us - we've been lucky that we're both pretty sensible, we'll discuss big purchases first and we've always worked and never really had money worries (not since student days anyway). We're a family, we work to get £ for our family - i can't really understand how it would work if we had differnet amounts of money??

YOu can still have your own pots of money, and contribute fairly to the family's expenses.
Put all income into one a/c and then, along with the direct debits and standing orders to all the normal stuff (mortgage, utilities, insurance, life assurances, pensions, savings if you can afford to, contingency fund, decorating / replacing the boiler or roof, etc fund) , allow for food, haircuts, petrol etc, then slightly less than the amount that is left in the pot at the end, is split in two, and a standing order set up to each of your own private accounts for you to spend of save as you wish, on whatever you wish.

It's unbelievable that one half of a couple is saving whilst the other is carrying debts for groceries on credit cards!

Surely having a family is a decision both of you ook together ? Part of the impact of that is loss of some of your salary while you ar on maternity leave, and then either salary loss or childcare if you go back to work. Either way, this is family money, not yours or his.