Partner in Debt problems

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I'm dating a wonderful man and we're getting married in June, but he has considerible debt problems (credit card mostly). We live together and I shoulder almost all the household cost (about 90%). As I get in at 7pm each evening I'm too tired to get an extra job. The job he does is low paid and he works hard, his hours are random so this would make getting a second job for him difficult also. I've mentioned to him that if he speaks to his creditors he can arrange a payment plan, but he says that the "phone calls for them wanting more money would be too stressful" . At the moment the creditors haven't started knocking at the door, I can see a day shortly where this will happen however. I've considered getting a loan which he could pay me back, this would save him money as the APR would be lower, but as he can't even write to his creditors I wonder if it's the right thing to do. To make things more complex still I might be made redundent within the next year. Any advice would be great.

How, exactly, did he incur the debt?

Does he still use the cards?

Why are you considering a loan? Why doesn't he do it?

My advice? Don't marry this man until he shows actual willing to tackle this problem. It's outrageous that you work 2 jobs and shoulder 90% of the household costs.

Thank you for the reply Earlybird.

He incurred the debt through day to day living as his wage won't "make ends meet" The amounts about £30000 and is 95% credit cards. He told me that he's attempted a debt consolidation loan, but got refused.

T

and yes he's still using the cards.

I'm sorry but this is bringing up red flags for me. I wouldn't marry this man until he has his finances under control. There was another thread on here last week from a desperate woman who got married under similar circumstances. Her partner is horribly irresponsible about money and their debt is increasing daily.

He needs to get his credit reduced to zero by all his creditors, and go through an agency like CCCS. They will go through what he can afford to pay them every month, and contact all his creditors to agree payments. He will then pay CCCS once a month and they will pay all his creditors.

Speaking as someone who has incurred debt jointly with H of the time, it was awful and that was with both of us taking responsibility for it.

At the moment I do not think you should think about marrying him. You do not want your finances to be caught up with his. He needs to get in touch with an organisation like CCCS - a consolidation loan isn't going to work. It may be that a debt management plan will work, or depending on his amount of income, an IVA or bankruptcy. Please don't take out a loan for him - as you say he is still using the cards so it isn't going to stop.

Red flags all 'round. You seem far more concerned about the debt than he is (from your posts).

Presumably - as you live together - you split household expenses. Given that (assumed) fact, he is clearly living far beyond his means if he chooses/needs to supplement income via credit card use.

He needs to find another job (that pays more), or a way to supplement his income. Probably both.

Do you hope to have children together? How will you cope with only one salary?

Please OP, do NOT marry this man until he shows he is realistic about his debt, and does something about it. You do not want a life filled with extreme money worries, and you do not want to spend your time/energy/funds bailing this man out.

Thank you all very much for your advice. We don't intend to have children at the moment. I've tried so hard to get him to write the letters to his creditors and even said that I'd deal with the phone calls. He used to have a wellpaid job so was given a high credit limit. Unfortunately people took advantage of the fact that he was a good worker and piled on their responsabilities leading to him leaving through stress. The job he's in now is lower paid with a lot less responsibility. My heart goes out to him because I don't want to put him in a situation that makes him i'll, but surely writing a few letters isn't so difficult??

"I've tried so hard to get him to write the letters to his creditors and even said that I'd deal with the phone calls."

You are not his mother. He needs to man up and face his responsibilities himself. Ditto Earlybird's comments.

At the moment you are shouldering the money problems.

He needs to do something. And I honestly think getting in touch with somewhere like CCCS will help. £30k isn't an insurmountable debt but it is still a lot of money. The problem with arranging something with creditors individually is that they can easily say at any time that they are going to stop letting him pay a smaller amount and demand the entire debt.

You can be supportive of him, but he has to start the ball rolling.

Interesting that he was refused a debt consolidation loan, but seems to still have a high credit limit. I have no direct experience, but those two things seem incongruous.

How much do you estimate he 'tops up' his salary via credit cards per month?

Is he spending on essentials (rent, food, transport, etc), or on extras (holidays, pub, etc)?

How many cards does he have?

At the very least, he needs to stop using the cards. Either cut them up, or do as a friend has - put them in a plastic tub filled with water, and then put tub in the freezer. Will stop him being impulsive.

people took advantage of the fact that he was a good worker and piled on their responsabilities leading to him leaving through stress

Presumably this is his version of what happened - maybe it's true but his attitude now is to do the same to you.

Effectively he has a debt addiction. There is plenty of help out there, and I would agree CCCS, CAB, Payplan and sites like The Motley Fool and Moneysaving Expert can help - but not til he acknowledges he has a problem.

Seriously - don't tie yourself financially to this man at the moment. I would show him this thread. I'm not saying he's a bad person, not at all. But he's in over his head and he needs to recognise that fact.

EB, I thought about suggesting freezing the cards (literally) as that used to be a great suggestion on the Fool, but now with so many websites letting you store credit card details (Amazon for example) I'm not convinced it works so well to curb spending.

Id agree that he needs to go through CCCS and get a debt management plan sorted. Then he can look at a) paying his way first and b) paying a proportion of his income to deal with the debt. DOne this way, his debt comes secondary to his (and your) living expenses.

I also would not marry him until he has a realistic plan to solve this.

(Plus you need to take away the credit cards and cut them into little pieces.)

Im sure that the day you wed, you become jointly responsible for the debt. This is no way to start married life - the debt will lead to huge resentment as you work all hours and he just racks up more debt...it will create a massive problem between you. Take him down to CCCS and make him face his problem - also, he should consider insolvency.

I have a friend who married in your circumstances. They had similar level of debt to start with. AFter a couple of years the debt had accumulated to over £80k. That is more than double their gross salary. Now they are tackling the debt with two young children, she still works all hours, he works when he can, funny shifts, unpredictable, endless excuses about why he cant get a different job - plus they also have childcare costs. SHe has many times cried at my kitchen table over not having any money to buy the kids shoes or coats and lives off the generosity of friends and family to supply her children with basics and hand me downs.

Is this the life you want?.

Echoing everyone else's advice. Support him through the debt management process and help him write letters or make phone-calls, but under no circumstances pay off his debts, take out loans on his behalf or think about marrying him until that £30,000 he owes is far, far smaller and he's living well within his means.

I've been there on this one, unfortunately. Taking on more and more of the household expense so that they can pay off the debts and get themselves straight. Working like mad putting money into the account only for them to spend it. Budgeting like crazy & going without whilst they carry on as if everything is OK. FWIW mine also found talking about money 'stressful' because he knew that if he took his head out of the sand he'd have to make changes which he didn't want to make. Having children was out of the question. I acted out of what I thought was love & concern ... he just thought I was a soft touch.

When money goes out of the door, love goes out of the window

At the moment the creditors haven't started knocking at the door, I can see a day shortly where this will happen however.

You do know that when they knock on the door they will be coming in to the property and making a list of goods - then taking away those goods for sale? That is if you don't at that point give the creditors the money - and you will have around 20 minutes to 45 minutes to find the money.

The creditors will at this stage be called baliffs.

Please think carefully about how this man you care about is placing his head in the sand and has his eyes tightly shut, this will bring you heartache and sorrow and you will not be able to save him unless he wants to save himself and face up to the situation.